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Toeside Terrors: Contest Moms and Cougars

The Toeside Terrors' exciting lives continue. Most recently, they scored a super sick ice lair with a dinosaur skeleton.

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"We need to go to the U.S. Open and get ourselves on camera. Plus, I heard Hansu Weith will be there. This could be our chance to finally end that miserable-sell-out son of a bitch's life." said Tech.

AND SO IT WAS...

When they arrived at the U.S. open in sunny Vail, Colorado, they found one thing: Big-boobed contest moms. "Was this heaven?" They asked themselves. In no time, the Toeside Terrors got to work on hitting on contest cougars.

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Deeply emerged in motor boating boobies, the TT's failed to realize that Hansu Weith was taking his run. This would have been the perfect time to end Hansu because he is defenseless while he does his boot grabs.

The sex-hounds talked their way back to the cougars expensive snow chateaus. By the time they got inside, they were too drunk and horny to remember their intentions of stopping Hansu.

BUT THEN!

Just as things started heating up, Terry saw Hansu Weith in the window.

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The cougar dropped her top and began shooting lazer beams from her breasts. Death rays whizzed by Terry's bird-like face.

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With his signature "MCRAWWW," Terry crotch-thrusted the robot's head into oblivion.

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The other TT's made it out ok too. After all, they are super heroes. Mr. Anonymous figured it out when he saw Hansu's gum wrappers on the floor. Tech was quoted in saying "I could smell that robot skank from a mile away."

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The Weekend Warrior successfully tamed the robot with booze. They are now dating.

The Toeside Terrors in A Christmas Carol

Guest Illustrations by Paul CvikevichTTXMAS1-01

LISTEN A Toeside Terrors Christmas Carol

After a summer of product testing for Yobeat, the Toeside Terrors had lost touch with their love for snowboarding. Feeling defeated and jaded on the idea that strapping your feet onto a piece of wood was worth their time, they entered into a devastating depression.

On Christmas Eve, the Toeside Terrors reached an ultimate low. They had decided to quit snowboarding.

Just then, the time space continuum ripped open, and a mystic being stepped through the tear in space.

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WOOSH

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The Toeside Terrors stepped through the rip in the time space continuum and entered a frigid hill with slow double chairs -- This is Suicide Six in Vermont, the first place to allow snowboarding.

"Observe a time when snowboarders were united. A boarder would seek out another boarder if they saw them, just to take a run together. It was truly a harmonious time...Let's move on."

WOOSH

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"Welcome to Snowboard present. We are at the Energy drink open, where Snowboarding is still pretty cool. People are moderately stoked on each other, but with each day the environment gets warmer, people care less for one an other, and the great divide between boarders grows thicker. Every day a core brand liquidates, and a bigger brand sells one of its conglomerates to Pac-Sun.

WOOSH

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And now, behold Snowboarding's Future. Complete chaos has ensued after "boarding brought bankruptcy." That's right, a mass of poorly designed Hansu Weith T-shirts pushed the entire world over the fiscal cliff. With all the snow melted, and a massive sewage back-up, every volcano erupts. Snowboarding is but a whisper in the memory of a laughing Hansu Weith.

But alas, it was all a dream. The Toeside Terrors woke up to a tree full of Yobeat gear, all of which can be purchased here. That day they boarded like they never boarded before, and remembered again why snowboarding was radical, and why it was up to everyone to save it.

 

Toeside Terrors Test: The 2013 Flow Rush ABT

Everyone’s favorite Toeside Terror, the Weekend Warrior, put the Flow Rush to the test the only way a Weekend Warrior knows how…by snowboarding like shit.

Flow Snowboarding says: “Go huge, hit a kinked rail and rally carves is all the Rush wants. A.B.T. on an I-Rock rocker smooths out the gnarliest features, cushions icy landings and just wants to go fast for the smoothest rocker board ever. The 3D-Transitional Sidecut, Whiskey Rocks and Whiskey Shooters boosts off anything while allowing the most fun while you push yourself to the max.”

MSRP: $549

BUY IT

Win: Weekend Warrior’s New Anon M1 Goggles

Our friend the Weekend Warrior recently discovered the latest and greatest from Anon — the M1 goggles. These babies have magnets that make swapping lenses a breeze, and let’s just say, he got a little excited. Since we want you to truly share his joy, we’re giving away a couple, each of which comes with two lenses. To enter, just fill out the form below. Two winners will be selected at random from all received entries on Friday October 12.

And the winners are: Chris Spellman of El Dorado Hills, CA and Mitch Dunn of Damascus, OR.

Toeside Terrors Test: 2013 Nitro T1

With Mount Hood as his stage, and booze for breakfast, the Weekend Warrior tests the Nitro T1 the only way he knows how.

The Real Deal

Pros:

Firm landings, and an edge that held up well when riding fast and shirtless. This board can definitely move if you’re not too much of a pussy.

Cons:

This board was heavy, inflexible, and the “flat camber” just made everything seem less responsive. It reminded me of an old school ripper that you had to break in before you liked it.