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The NooB’s Guide to Summer

It’s pretty well-established, summer is upon us. We’re halfway through June, the Corona bottles have started to pile up in the recycling bin and pretty much everywhere we go, we smell barbecue. But we here in the N00b laboratories know summer means more work for snowboarders. You guys have to travel farther, climb higher and search harder for rideable slopes. And you know what? We feel you. So we have some helpful hints to get your snowboarding summer started right.

#1 — Dump the damn snowboard. It’s the goddamn summer! “Oh, but n00b, we still want to shred some sick pow!” Are you fucking dumb? It’s the hottest time of the year and you want to go play in the snow some more? Jesus Christ, you people are beyond understanding. Stop pretending you’re one of the characters from “Twilight” and enjoy the sunshine.

Pubes: A Must-Have Accessory for Summer

#2 — Buy a pair of huge, gaudily colored board shorts. That way, even the scrawniest, tiny dudes will look just like their more muscle-bound peers: absolutely ridiculous.

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the NooB gets rad. photo: Kameron Barge

#3 — We know you’re expecting a version of the “skateboard, because you know all snowboarders wish they were as cool as skateboarders” line somewhere in here. But we’re done saying it. Just be aware, it’s out there.


Look mom! I’m extreme!

#4 — Check out that new Tony Hawk video game with the board controller. It’s almost like actually skateboarding, but you don’t have to worry about breaking your ankle right before the next big dump. And (we promise) you’ll look really, really, cool.

#5 — Take the time to fucking relax. Crack a brew, grill some meat – or some Boca burgers, if you’re a pussy – and enjoy the sun. Play some golf, throw a Frisbee, sit around in the kiddie pool you bought for that jello-wrestling party last year. See what you can do to get rid of that ridiculous goggle-tan you’ve cultivated through the spring.

summerlovin

God knows why, but bitches eat this shit up.

#6 — Pick up a hottie. You know, get some summer lovin’. As long as you’re wearing your retardedly huge board shorts, you still have some remnants of a goggle tan and you come bearing Sparks or Corona, it shouldn’t be that hard.

#7 – Fuck it, this wasn’t on the list, but if you already have the kiddie pool, make up a shitload of jello and throw a jello wrestling party. Why not?

#8 — If you absolutely need snow … go to Siberia, or one of the poles. Maybe northern Canada or Alaska will do. There’s plenty of ice and snow there, and if we’re lucky you’ll get lost or die and your defective genes won’t be passed along.

There you have it. Get out there and enjoy your summer! We at the N00b are stuck in the lab for another 5 or 6 hours, around which time the weather says we’ll have a thunderstorm, so there will be no summertime partying. So, if you’re in your room thinking, “Ugh, goddamn warm weather, I just want it to snow so I can ride,” we at the n00b kindly ask you to fuck off. Thank you.