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Best Week Ever: April 24, 2009

“Wait. Would it be weird to sit here and listen to a CD together?”

-Olivia and I have a ongoing list of brilliant ideas in my phone which we add to as needed. This week’s addition reads “Saunas with weed, but NOT hot.”

-We are watching this week’s episode of Millionaire Matchmaker. One of the couples falls madly in love, on the first date. They detail their soul mated-ness to Patty. Each one of them gushes how smart the other one is. Olivia then goes, “Aw. I love it when stupid people think other stupid people are smart.”

-I am discussing a girl I know who maybe isn’t the brightest. I explain that she went to college. I then add, “Well, she went to art-school-college.” Matt adds, “Art school college: Home of the mighty fighting paintbrushes.”

-It has been really hot in LA this week. It has been actually borderline miserable. I am whining that the couch and my computer and my hair are all contributing to my hottness, one afternoon. I then and announce, “I wish there was a way to have nothing touching you.” Olivia thinks for a moment then adds, “I think its called standing.”

-Clueless is on TV. So we cancel the afternoon to drink margaritas or smoke weed or something and watch it. Me and Olivia get into a discussion about how the movie inspired the young creative types in us. I explain how I used to doodle outfits in my notebooks. Olivia talked about how she did the same. She even had aspirations of becoming a fashion designer one day. I then add, “Ah the 1990s. Before we knew all our dreams were impossible!”

-Clueless is coming to an end. I suddenly remember that I have the new Kimya Dawson CD in my car. I suggest that after the movie I go get it. I then add, “Wait. Would it be weird to sit here and listen to a CD together?” Olivia nods her head, “Super weird.”

-Olivia is walking to the kitchen to make food, when a commercial for Survivor comes on. She pauses, looks at the TV, and then announces, “I want to go on Survivor so I can get really skinny.”

-The uninteresting Kardashian sibling (the boy) gets some huge crazy tattoo of his dead father’s face on his forearm. This week’s episode involves him revealing the tattoo to his sisters and mom. Olivia helpfully suggests that he should have gotten it somewhere less conspicuous, like his back. She adds, “Sometimes I forget that I even have back tattoos.” I nod my head in agreement, “Sometimes, I forget that I even have a back.”

-I drag Olivia with me to see one of the old waitresses from Cinespace. She is also a singer/songwriter type and is playing a show at the Hotel Cafe. The show ends. We are waiting to see if people want to go eat afterwards. I am Twittering and checking my Facebook and such on the sidewalk outside. Olivia is standing bored next to me. She suddenly remarks, “I wish I had internet on my phone. Then I wouldn’t have to talk to you either.”

-We come home with a different weed strain than we usually get,  last night. Olivia informs me this morning that she has a weed hang-over. I tell her that I don’t really remember going to bed last night. I add, “There are candy wrappers everywhere and I can’t feel the inside of my mouth.”

Best Week Ever: April 17, 2009

“I don’t mean Geometry. I mean in terms of actual sadness.”

-Olivia is discussing either UPS or the USPS and is unclear which she is referring to until I ask her. I then sort of simply yet brilliantly suggest, “UPS and the USPS should just collab and call it a day.”

-Olivia informs me that my bedroom window screen is completely broken and lying on the ground outside. She is confused by the whole thing. I look awkwardly down at the ground and then back at her, “Me and Kelly broke it.” I continue, “We were plugging her Ice Cream Truck into my room.”

-I make a new friend this week named Matt Goias. I am whining about my boy problems in the car after meeting him the day prior. I am also being sort of needy and annoying. He opts to not attempt to improve my mood at all. He instead announces, “You are not a big deal Sarah. Wait let me correct that. You are a big deal in a five block radius of Hollywood and a one block radius of New York.” I shrug, “I presume in New York it’s the one block radius of the Missbehave office?” He smiles, “Yes, there.”

– En route to Vegas I get worked up about motorcycles driving in between cars in traffic. I decide to unleash my diatribe on Olivia and Matt. They fake listen. I then announce, “I am going to write a letter to my senator about it.” Olivia then asks me if I know who my senator is. I shrug, “He’s nice.”

-I am not a huge fan of bathing suits. But we end up in Vegas and therefore bathing suits are inevitable. I do not have a bathing suit with me. So we attempt to create a bathing suit out of one of my bra/bikini tops and an extra bikini bottom that Olivia has with her. I look at myself in the mirror and cringe. I put clothes on and we head to meet Matt. I mumble, “Olivia thinks I am pear shaped.” Olivia also suggests that I could in fact be tear-drop shaped. Matt confirms, “You are tear-drop shaped.” I look at him annoyed. He then adds, “I don’t mean Geometry. I mean actual in terms of actual sadness.”

-I relocate from the couch to the ground in front of the screened door at my home. I begin to light up a cigarette. Matt looks at me confused and eventually manages to inquire what I am doing exactly. I shrug and smile, “We don’t smoke in the house.” He looks down at me, nods his head and goes, “Of course.”

-Brooke informs me that the flight she is set to go on is overbooked. People are volunteering left and right to give up their seats. I agree that it seems like a good idea in this economy, with the recession and all. Brooke adds, “I blame the economy for everything now. It makes me feel less responsible for myself.” She then adds, “I blamed it for something really funny yesterday. I think it was something like cell phone service.”

-I have never made a Facebook event. So, I force someone to show me how to do so and I enthusiastically follow said instructions. Then Voila! My Yard-sale is a Facebook event! I start getting really into it. Watching people RSVP and the numbers going up. While, I don’t have any desire to have another “event” at my house, I DO enjoy the feeling of the Facebook bit. I begin to inform Olivia that I am going to start making fake Facebook events to boost my self esteem. She even helpfully suggests I hold my fake events as bars and such, to make it funnier.  I shake my head insisting I hold them at people’s houses. I nod brilliantly, mentally planning my first event at Gina’s. Olivia seems concerned that Gina’s level of internet intensity could in fact lead her to discovering said event.  I shake my head confidently, “I doubt it.”

-Sorry this was short. If you feel let-down attempt to enjoy my Twitter. It’s been a weird week. I am re-grouping :(

Best Week Ever: April 3, 2009

“Make sure no one tries to touch Melissa and Sarah! They don’t have feelings!”

-My phone is about to die while out and about in Austin. I opt to make a list of what at the time I deemed important phone numbers in case my phone completely turned off.  Jessica looks at my list and asks why Franki Chan is on it. I look at the list and think for a second, “I guess it’s more like people that would help me if I got lost in Texas.”

-We are leaving Austin for our journey back to LA. The girls I am with are all saying goodbye to Melissa and Will and thanking them for letting us stay. Everyone is hugging and being nice.  Neither Melissa or I are particularly touchy feely. We opt out of the hug fest.  Will notices us and remarks, “Make sure no one tries to touch Melissa and Sarah! They don’t have feelings!”

-We are watching the Bad Girl’s Club episode where they go on vacation to some sort of Spring Break-esque place in Mexico. Two of the girls get on stage and take their clothes off. They proceed to stand in their underwear under some shower type thing getting wet and being sexy. I excitedly clap and turn to Sally, “Look they are making it rain on them hoes! This must be what Rose means when she says that!”

-Olivia is driving. We are at a complete stand-still in traffic. A car attempts to turn in front of her into a a McDonalds. Olivia becomes irate. I am unclear why. She explains that the guy in the car looked at her weird. She pauses for a moment. She then adds, “Ok maybe he just looked at me.”

-I make an alarming sound and motion to Olivia’s phone on the coffee table.  She is confused. I explain that her phone is next to a cup of water and it’s making me nervous. Olivia ignores me. I add, “I don’t have many rules of organization, but the one I DO have is no liquids near electronics!”

-We are watching television. A commercial for some new-ish Resident Evil video game comes on. The voice over creepily says, “How would you return to your life after being in hell?” Oliva looks at the TV and shrugs, “I guess it depends on what hell was like.”

-I inform Olivia that some teenage boy wrote me on Myspace asking if i would model for him in exchange for him cooking me dinner. Olivia replies,  “Oh wait till you crush his dreams by telling him you charge upwards of 500 dollars a day!”

-My vision is getting really bad. I have no insurance and am unclear what the protocol is to see a doctor in order to get contacts. Erika crushes my dreams. She explains, “Poor people don’t GET contacts.” Confused I ask her what poor people do in order to SEE. Erika remarks, “They wear glasses.”

-I am over at Steve’s admiring his new fancy house which doesn’t have much furniture besides a giant poker table. His closet door is partially open. I slide it entirely open and discover his clothing is not only hung up in color coordinated fashion, but also by shades of said color. My mouth drops. He asks me if I am impressed. Still flipping through his clothes I manage to reply, “It’s admirable Steve. As you may know, I keep everything I own on my floor.”

-Steve is showing me how many comments he gets on his blog. Jacob is asking me what I am doing since the magazine I worked for is now done and gone. I am explaining that a clothing company hired me to launch them a lifestyle blog type site. Steve interrupts, “I was thinking that you should hit up a clothing company.” I look at him blankly and reply, “I am glad you kept that to yourself and didn’t mention it to me ONCE during my two months of virtual unemployment.”

-I get pulled over in Orange County for failing to wear my seat-belt. The cop is asking me my hair color, eye color, and other descriptive questions. He then asks me how much I weigh. I cringe. I then reluctantly reply, “I am gonna lie and say 140.” He points his pen at me, smiles, and replies, “And I am gonna lie and say 135!”

-Olivia’s mom is genuinely concerned that she doesn’t have a boyfriend and is encouraging her to get “out there” and what not. Olivia is detailing her mother’s concerns to me. Due to the fact my mother has never brought up a single concern related to my dating habits or lack there of, I decide to text her. I write, “Are you ever worried I won’t get married?” She replies, “What? No! Have you seen Zack and Miri make a Porno? It’s SO funny!”

-For reasons unknown there is a photo of me on the flyer for Cinespace. Confused I ask Jason about it. He explains that some Dim Mak intern made it. He has no idea why said intern decided to use a photo of me. He apologizes and assures me he will go back to making them from here on out. He then adds, “But I might put a hidden Sarah Morrison now on each flyer!” I add, “Oh fun. It’ll be like Where’s Waldo!”

-Olivia asks me if I am going to Cinespace Tuesday night. I look at her like she is crazy and tell her I can’t possibly go. Confused she asks why. I remind her, “BECAUSE there is a picture of me on the flyer?! They might make me DJ or something.”

-Diddy Twitters asking us all to do something in remembrance of Biggie on his birthday. I reply, “Juicy is my ringtone! I am just making people call me tons and then not picking up!”

-Don’t forget to come to the Yard Sale Clothing Swap Tomorrow!

Best Week Ever: March 6, 2009

“You are really good at kidding!”

-We are watching the enthralling season premiere of Tyra’s other show, America’s Next Top Model. Tyra name drops Paulina Porizkova at some point and homegirl rolls onto the screen. Sally points at the television and excitedly announces that she is her favorite model.  Olivia attempts to quickly correct her, “I thought Sarah was your favorite model?!” Sally shakes her head, stares blankly at the TV, and replies, “No it’s Paulina Porizkova.”

-I go to meet Melissa one morning. I inform her that on the drive over I has seen a girl that looked exactly like Melissa circa high school. Melissa inquires if I took a picture of said girl. I shake my head, “No, but i waved to her!”

-One of Olivia’s friends comes over to watch the Nip/Tuck finale. Fortunately for all involved, she talks through the entire things and we end up spending 3 hours rewinding it and re-watching parts because of this. She becomes convinced at some point the actor who plays Christian is some former cast member of Dawson’s Creek. She spends the majority of the three hours attempting to validate this fact. To shut her up, I finally agree with her and state, “Nip/Tuck is actually a Dawson’s Creek spin-off. It’s literally Dawson’s Creek: the college years.”

-Olivia’s friend that makes TV hard to watch later gets upset that the little black kid on the show is named Wilbur. Unclear as to the source of her anger, we inquire more. She reference’s Charlotte’s Web and it’s protagonist Wilbur the pig. She explains how the naming of a black child Wilbur would be racist. Upon understanding the correlation, I roll my eyes, “That wouldn’t be racist. It would just be bad parenting.”

-We finally reach the credits on Nip/Tuck. The DVR prompts us to decide whether we would like to delete the episode. Olivia turns to me unsure. I clap my hands excitedly and yell, “No, let’s watch it again.” Both Olivia and her friend seem alarmed, until I inform them I am not serious. Olivia’s friend points at me and announces, “You are really good at kidding!”

-I walk into the kitchen one afternoon. Olivia is standing in front of the open the refrigerator. She asks me if I think it’s too early for her to start drinking I shake my head and inform her is it not. I then peer into the refrigerator, “Is it too early to start eating cheese?” Olivia shuts the refrigerator door and quickly replies, “Yes.”

-Lloyd and I are fighting. He originally becomes mad at me do to an altercation with a friend in which I did not stand up for myself. He begins revisiting his anger towards me one evening on Twitter. I get upset. Rose inquires what the latest thing he had said to piss me off was. I reply, “He called me white!”

-Olivia is discussing Twitter and the whole people who follow you vs. the people you follow bit. I am sort of half listening and announce, “If I could chose who to follow on Twitter, I would only follow you and Sally.” Olivia confused manages to explain to me that I CAN and DO currently chose who I follow on Twitter. I nod my head, “Oh yeah.”

-I turn to Olivia and remark, “People should never used the term “shit storm” it’s an alarmingly vivid reference.” Olivia quickly replies, “Oh, you are reading Franki Chan’s Twitter too?”

Best Week Ever: February 27, 2009

“Sorry I am not usually this nice. I just really like people when I am drunk.”

-I cancel on a boy one night this week. He is annoyed. In retaliation, he informs me he is way too busy the rest of the week to possibly hang out. The following evening, I read some girl’s Twitter that says she is at dinner with him. I am rolling my eyes and expressing my annoyance to Olivia when he texts asking if I want to do something.  I turn to Olivia, “I am going to tell him I am starving and make him go out to dinner again.”

-I am about to take a shower and decide to kindly announce this fact to Olivia.  I walk into the kitchen in a towel and ask, “Do you need the bathroom? I am going to go shave my entire body.”

-We are watching a commercial for that model show on Bravo which Tyson Beckford hosts. Olivia stares at the TV and asks if Tyson Beckford has tattoos on his arms. I look closely at the screen and remark, “Either that or he has tights on his arms.” I realize what I said and nod, “Yeah, probably tattoos.”

-Maude goes to some meeting of a secret sect of virgins who are promising their hymens to God or something. She is set to pretend she is one of them in order to write a story on the whole thing. After returning from the venture she explains, “I told them I was you.” Confused, I ask for more information. She explains, “When the virgins asked my name for some reason I just said I was Sarah Morrison.”

-A friend of Olivia’s comes over one night. Me and kitty Olivia’s cat are sitting on the couch watching television. The girl looks over and remarks, “Aw she is so pretty!” I simply reply, “Me? I know right?”

-Dan and I are discussing the poverty epidemic that seems to have plagued us and everyone we know. I have an amazing idea and suggest it to Dan. I say, “Let’s rob Steve Aoki’s house!” Dan agrees with the brilliance in this idea. He adds, “And let’s rape Jacob!”

-Some dude writes me on Facebook. He explains that a friend of his had seen me out in Brooklyn one night. Said friend had then proceded to describe me as “larger than life.” I inquire if by large, he meant physically large. He explains, “Not wide, no.” He continued, “He said you were tall and leggy with a really large face.”

-I am doing the door for Dan’s birthday party Saturday evening. I am sort of positioned away from everyone. I find myself playing Brickbreaker and eating candy to entertain myself. My boredom subsides when the drunkest girl in the world discovers me. She decides she is going to spend her evening speaking incoherently to me and dancing in circles around the chair I am sitting in. One of the only things I actually understood her say the entire night was, “Sorry, I am not usually this nice. I just really like people when I am drunk.”

-I am talking to a gentleman friend of mine who runs a website that makes no money, but in theory should. He is detailing his level of poverty including the fact he doesn’t even have an apartment. I offer to let him live in my backyard. He declines due to the fact he has plenty of “girls’ beds to sleep in.” I excitedly suggest, “Charge them to sleep with you!”

Best Week Ever: February 20, 2009

“Does he like TV?”

-We are stopped at a light on Sunset in front of that giant oil change place called EZ Lube. Olivia points at the building and announces, “That was my nickname in high school.”  I begin to try to empathize with her, when she interrupts me to tell me she was kidding.

-We meet the dude that lives in the house next to us. He is actually kind of hot. He says his name, which we both interpret to be Gordon. He corrects us, explaining that his name is Cordon. I remark, “Oh, your parents were creative.” He immediately shakes his head and says, “They were Irish.”  I smile, “Even Better!”

-I am having trouble trying to find a way to extract a large sum of money from my bank account to give to Olivia to pay for our housing deposit. My bank account is out of New York with no branches here. I am also out of checks. And they refuse to give me my full bank account number over the phone due to some bank policy. Olivia then adds, “Can’t they email or text it to you? Or like post it on Twitter?”

-I found this really ridiculous book at Savers a few weeks ago called Y2K for Women. It details steps and precautions women should take to prepare for the oncoming apocalypse that was set to occur at the turn of the century and unfortunately never actually did. I am showing Olivia my favorite parts. She goes, “Let’s create our own Apocalypse scare.” I get excited, “Let’s have it be on my 30th birthday!”

-I receive a text message from a boy I know at 9:02 am. It reads, “What are you doing tonight?” At 9:02 am.

-Olivia and I are attempting to drive to the PCH but not positive we are going in the right direction. I mention that it would be sad if we were going back to New York instead of towards the water. We begin to edge over a hill. Then voila water. Olivia shakes her head, “I would have been so sad if it was New York.”

-While job searching aka. looking for “Gigs” on Craigslist I discovered an ad for a receptionist. The skills of the ideal applicant were amazingly described as so,”Ability to read and write at a level normally acquired through the completion of college in order to process informational messages.”

-We move into our new house. It could use some work, but I am lazy and don’t really care that much. Olivia on the other hand is more ambitious. I decline her invite to Home Depot in order to sit on the couch and watch Wife Swap. Upon returning, she opens the door, begins to put her bags down, and remarks I brought home a Mexican man! I reply, “Does he like TV?”

Best Week Ever: January 16, 2009

“If you were a fly people would be trying to kill you all day long.”

-I find myself re-telling Lloyd that story about that crazy retarded roommate kid I lived with early summer who went through my belongings and emailed Olivia about anal sex a bunch. Lloyd enjoyed the full story. He then supportively added, “The day we met that kid, me and James placed bets on when he was going to try to kill you.”

-We find ourselves enjoying the Golden Globes Sunday evening. Upon the announcement of Heath Leger’s win, we pause to see who is going to accept Heath Ledger’s award. Some guy stands up in the crowd and begins to head to the stage. Will gasps, “Oh my god is that Patrick Swayze!” I pause, “That would be so fucked up.”

-We are watching the Golden Globes after show. Sal Masa-whatever and his E network counterpart are stopping unwilling attendees and forcing them to discuss the award show on the way to their cars. They are awkwardly interrogating Eva Mendes when that Jon Voight dude runs over and interrupts them and begins hugging the group. They try to keep up their banter with Ms. Mendes as Jon Voight awkwardly keeps trying to interject. I simply state, “That dude is so weird.” Will adds, “I think he’s a Republican.”

-En route from New York to Los Angeles to relocate my life, I find myself and my place of employment parting ways due “the recession.” My mother is being less than helpful in ideas of how to fix my current life crisis. She asks me what I plan to do repeatedly, but since I do not know I keep ignoring her. I finally inform her I am in Texas. She asks, “Are you going to stay in Austin and start a magazine?” Due to the ridiculousness of this question I simply answer, “Yes.” She then asks, “Is Olivia going to move to Austin and help you with the magazine?” Due to the equal ridiculousness in this question, I again reply, “Yes.” She replies, “That’s great!”

-My best friend Melissa runs a vintage company. I used to do modeling for her when I lived in Los Angeles. Due to the fact I am relocating back to California and have lost the weight I had happily gained living in Brooklyn, I ask her if I can model again for her. She looks at my awkwardly and start to laugh. She then says, “The cut off age is 24 now.” Kind of offended and kind of confused I go, “I wasn’t even 24 then.” She tries to inform me that things have changed. I am still offended and add, “But I am famous on the internet.” She adds, “But you are almost 30.”

-Melissa is out of weed one night and decides we should try to smoke catnip and see what happens. We continue smoking it and trying to gauge if anything is happening. I decide to inquire whether smoking catnip is an actual thing people do or if this is a completely pointless endeavor. I opt to text my brother who is a drug expert of sorts. I simply type, “Is anything going to happen if we smoke a bunch of catnip?” Sam replies, “I got a new phone and don’t have anyone’s numbers. I am guessing this is Sarah.”

-I am depressed and have been dragged out of the house one evening by force. I remark to Will than I wish I was invisible. He asks me if I had heard the This American Life episode where they ask people If they would rather be invisible or be a fly. I instantly remark, “Invisible. If you were a fly people would be trying to kill you all day long. He corrects me,  “No, invisible or to fly.” I add, “That makes more sense.”

-While watching television one night. I hear the cat squealing and look over and see Will stepping on the cat. Alarmed I tell him to stop. He explains that she likes it and demonstrates how she enjoys being stepped on and her tail stomped on. She rolls around in enjoyment and he I let the whole sick thing continue. I watch the whole thing confused and add, “She is like an S+M cat.”

-If you want to hire me to do anything, I am really talented. Holler at me [email protected]