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Best Week Ever: April 24, 2009

“Wait. Would it be weird to sit here and listen to a CD together?”

-Olivia and I have a ongoing list of brilliant ideas in my phone which we add to as needed. This week’s addition reads “Saunas with weed, but NOT hot.”

-We are watching this week’s episode of Millionaire Matchmaker. One of the couples falls madly in love, on the first date. They detail their soul mated-ness to Patty. Each one of them gushes how smart the other one is. Olivia then goes, “Aw. I love it when stupid people think other stupid people are smart.”

-I am discussing a girl I know who maybe isn’t the brightest. I explain that she went to college. I then add, “Well, she went to art-school-college.” Matt adds, “Art school college: Home of the mighty fighting paintbrushes.”

-It has been really hot in LA this week. It has been actually borderline miserable. I am whining that the couch and my computer and my hair are all contributing to my hottness, one afternoon. I then and announce, “I wish there was a way to have nothing touching you.” Olivia thinks for a moment then adds, “I think its called standing.”

-Clueless is on TV. So we cancel the afternoon to drink margaritas or smoke weed or something and watch it. Me and Olivia get into a discussion about how the movie inspired the young creative types in us. I explain how I used to doodle outfits in my notebooks. Olivia talked about how she did the same. She even had aspirations of becoming a fashion designer one day. I then add, “Ah the 1990s. Before we knew all our dreams were impossible!”

-Clueless is coming to an end. I suddenly remember that I have the new Kimya Dawson CD in my car. I suggest that after the movie I go get it. I then add, “Wait. Would it be weird to sit here and listen to a CD together?” Olivia nods her head, “Super weird.”

-Olivia is walking to the kitchen to make food, when a commercial for Survivor comes on. She pauses, looks at the TV, and then announces, “I want to go on Survivor so I can get really skinny.”

-The uninteresting Kardashian sibling (the boy) gets some huge crazy tattoo of his dead father’s face on his forearm. This week’s episode involves him revealing the tattoo to his sisters and mom. Olivia helpfully suggests that he should have gotten it somewhere less conspicuous, like his back. She adds, “Sometimes I forget that I even have back tattoos.” I nod my head in agreement, “Sometimes, I forget that I even have a back.”

-I drag Olivia with me to see one of the old waitresses from Cinespace. She is also a singer/songwriter type and is playing a show at the Hotel Cafe. The show ends. We are waiting to see if people want to go eat afterwards. I am Twittering and checking my Facebook and such on the sidewalk outside. Olivia is standing bored next to me. She suddenly remarks, “I wish I had internet on my phone. Then I wouldn’t have to talk to you either.”

-We come home with a different weed strain than we usually get,  last night. Olivia informs me this morning that she has a weed hang-over. I tell her that I don’t really remember going to bed last night. I add, “There are candy wrappers everywhere and I can’t feel the inside of my mouth.”

Best Week Ever: April 17, 2009

“I don’t mean Geometry. I mean in terms of actual sadness.”

-Olivia is discussing either UPS or the USPS and is unclear which she is referring to until I ask her. I then sort of simply yet brilliantly suggest, “UPS and the USPS should just collab and call it a day.”

-Olivia informs me that my bedroom window screen is completely broken and lying on the ground outside. She is confused by the whole thing. I look awkwardly down at the ground and then back at her, “Me and Kelly broke it.” I continue, “We were plugging her Ice Cream Truck into my room.”

-I make a new friend this week named Matt Goias. I am whining about my boy problems in the car after meeting him the day prior. I am also being sort of needy and annoying. He opts to not attempt to improve my mood at all. He instead announces, “You are not a big deal Sarah. Wait let me correct that. You are a big deal in a five block radius of Hollywood and a one block radius of New York.” I shrug, “I presume in New York it’s the one block radius of the Missbehave office?” He smiles, “Yes, there.”

– En route to Vegas I get worked up about motorcycles driving in between cars in traffic. I decide to unleash my diatribe on Olivia and Matt. They fake listen. I then announce, “I am going to write a letter to my senator about it.” Olivia then asks me if I know who my senator is. I shrug, “He’s nice.”

-I am not a huge fan of bathing suits. But we end up in Vegas and therefore bathing suits are inevitable. I do not have a bathing suit with me. So we attempt to create a bathing suit out of one of my bra/bikini tops and an extra bikini bottom that Olivia has with her. I look at myself in the mirror and cringe. I put clothes on and we head to meet Matt. I mumble, “Olivia thinks I am pear shaped.” Olivia also suggests that I could in fact be tear-drop shaped. Matt confirms, “You are tear-drop shaped.” I look at him annoyed. He then adds, “I don’t mean Geometry. I mean actual in terms of actual sadness.”

-I relocate from the couch to the ground in front of the screened door at my home. I begin to light up a cigarette. Matt looks at me confused and eventually manages to inquire what I am doing exactly. I shrug and smile, “We don’t smoke in the house.” He looks down at me, nods his head and goes, “Of course.”

-Brooke informs me that the flight she is set to go on is overbooked. People are volunteering left and right to give up their seats. I agree that it seems like a good idea in this economy, with the recession and all. Brooke adds, “I blame the economy for everything now. It makes me feel less responsible for myself.” She then adds, “I blamed it for something really funny yesterday. I think it was something like cell phone service.”

-I have never made a Facebook event. So, I force someone to show me how to do so and I enthusiastically follow said instructions. Then Voila! My Yard-sale is a Facebook event! I start getting really into it. Watching people RSVP and the numbers going up. While, I don’t have any desire to have another “event” at my house, I DO enjoy the feeling of the Facebook bit. I begin to inform Olivia that I am going to start making fake Facebook events to boost my self esteem. She even helpfully suggests I hold my fake events as bars and such, to make it funnier.  I shake my head insisting I hold them at people’s houses. I nod brilliantly, mentally planning my first event at Gina’s. Olivia seems concerned that Gina’s level of internet intensity could in fact lead her to discovering said event.  I shake my head confidently, “I doubt it.”

-Sorry this was short. If you feel let-down attempt to enjoy my Twitter. It’s been a weird week. I am re-grouping :(

Best Week Ever: April 10, 2009 (Guest Author Edition)

Sarah’s friends made her go to Vegas today. Since “planning ahead” isn’t in her job description, I am writing Best Week Ever this week. Sorry.

-Sarah’s brother has taken to leaving random and not very nice comments on all of Sarah’s friends’ social networking profiles. Now I should specify they are not nasty towards the person they are left for, but more towards Sarah. I felt like I should inform her he was doing so, and she apologized, saying he drinks too much. After a little discussion, we used our clinical training to diagnose him with Anonymous Commenter Syndrome, however a rare strain where he actually comments as himself.

-I was having a meeting with Nick about things that annoy me. One of them is overcoming being female in a dude’s industry. Nick assured me that he doesn’t know anyone who hates me because I am a girl. “People hate you for real reasons, Brooke,” he said.

-As usual I am doing yard work around the house. I am looking at the lawn, perplexed how I am going to get the crap that has accumulated off of it. I was thinking perhaps I could sweep, or even vacuum the yard. Then I remembered rakes exist.

-I am explaining to Keith how I have been really lazy all week, and I blame it on being in between seasons. He agrees, and says, “I live my life on college breaks because that’s when the best MTV specials are on.”

-I have a minor crisis one day because Facebook Scrabble seems to think I am not in the US or Canada and will not load. I tweet frantically asking if Portland has been moved to Mexico or something. Cory simply replies, “I think it was the Louisiana Purchase.”

-I opened the dishwasher to find it filled with a few inches of very dirty water. We immediately begin the process of buying a new one, because some things are that important. When I told Lisa about the crisis, she simply replied, you can’t just hand wash dishes?  I replied, “People hand wash dishes?”

-Spring came to Portland last weekend and with it, a much needed excuse to BBQ. My boyfriend is a vegetarian, preventing him from getting much enjoyment out of most of the food that was there. As I raved over the bacon wrapped shrimp, he seemed ambivalent. “It seems there’s always something wrapped in bacon at these things,” he said. I reply, “Duh, everything is better when wrapped in bacon.”

-My neighborhood Arby’s closed this week. I have no idea where I am going to get curly fries any more. This is not funny, nor is it supposed to be.

-In the meeting I mentioned earlier, Nick and I came up with the brilliant idea to do guest editions of Best Week Ever when Sarah’s life is actually interesting and she doesn’t have time to write it. Unfortunately, I am up first and have not been paying attention to my life very well. I ask several people if I have done or said anything funny recently. Jared finally replies, “You are not very funny, Brooke.”

Best Week Ever: April 3, 2009

“Make sure no one tries to touch Melissa and Sarah! They don’t have feelings!”

-My phone is about to die while out and about in Austin. I opt to make a list of what at the time I deemed important phone numbers in case my phone completely turned off.  Jessica looks at my list and asks why Franki Chan is on it. I look at the list and think for a second, “I guess it’s more like people that would help me if I got lost in Texas.”

-We are leaving Austin for our journey back to LA. The girls I am with are all saying goodbye to Melissa and Will and thanking them for letting us stay. Everyone is hugging and being nice.  Neither Melissa or I are particularly touchy feely. We opt out of the hug fest.  Will notices us and remarks, “Make sure no one tries to touch Melissa and Sarah! They don’t have feelings!”

-We are watching the Bad Girl’s Club episode where they go on vacation to some sort of Spring Break-esque place in Mexico. Two of the girls get on stage and take their clothes off. They proceed to stand in their underwear under some shower type thing getting wet and being sexy. I excitedly clap and turn to Sally, “Look they are making it rain on them hoes! This must be what Rose means when she says that!”

-Olivia is driving. We are at a complete stand-still in traffic. A car attempts to turn in front of her into a a McDonalds. Olivia becomes irate. I am unclear why. She explains that the guy in the car looked at her weird. She pauses for a moment. She then adds, “Ok maybe he just looked at me.”

-I make an alarming sound and motion to Olivia’s phone on the coffee table.  She is confused. I explain that her phone is next to a cup of water and it’s making me nervous. Olivia ignores me. I add, “I don’t have many rules of organization, but the one I DO have is no liquids near electronics!”

-We are watching television. A commercial for some new-ish Resident Evil video game comes on. The voice over creepily says, “How would you return to your life after being in hell?” Oliva looks at the TV and shrugs, “I guess it depends on what hell was like.”

-I inform Olivia that some teenage boy wrote me on Myspace asking if i would model for him in exchange for him cooking me dinner. Olivia replies,  “Oh wait till you crush his dreams by telling him you charge upwards of 500 dollars a day!”

-My vision is getting really bad. I have no insurance and am unclear what the protocol is to see a doctor in order to get contacts. Erika crushes my dreams. She explains, “Poor people don’t GET contacts.” Confused I ask her what poor people do in order to SEE. Erika remarks, “They wear glasses.”

-I am over at Steve’s admiring his new fancy house which doesn’t have much furniture besides a giant poker table. His closet door is partially open. I slide it entirely open and discover his clothing is not only hung up in color coordinated fashion, but also by shades of said color. My mouth drops. He asks me if I am impressed. Still flipping through his clothes I manage to reply, “It’s admirable Steve. As you may know, I keep everything I own on my floor.”

-Steve is showing me how many comments he gets on his blog. Jacob is asking me what I am doing since the magazine I worked for is now done and gone. I am explaining that a clothing company hired me to launch them a lifestyle blog type site. Steve interrupts, “I was thinking that you should hit up a clothing company.” I look at him blankly and reply, “I am glad you kept that to yourself and didn’t mention it to me ONCE during my two months of virtual unemployment.”

-I get pulled over in Orange County for failing to wear my seat-belt. The cop is asking me my hair color, eye color, and other descriptive questions. He then asks me how much I weigh. I cringe. I then reluctantly reply, “I am gonna lie and say 140.” He points his pen at me, smiles, and replies, “And I am gonna lie and say 135!”

-Olivia’s mom is genuinely concerned that she doesn’t have a boyfriend and is encouraging her to get “out there” and what not. Olivia is detailing her mother’s concerns to me. Due to the fact my mother has never brought up a single concern related to my dating habits or lack there of, I decide to text her. I write, “Are you ever worried I won’t get married?” She replies, “What? No! Have you seen Zack and Miri make a Porno? It’s SO funny!”

-For reasons unknown there is a photo of me on the flyer for Cinespace. Confused I ask Jason about it. He explains that some Dim Mak intern made it. He has no idea why said intern decided to use a photo of me. He apologizes and assures me he will go back to making them from here on out. He then adds, “But I might put a hidden Sarah Morrison now on each flyer!” I add, “Oh fun. It’ll be like Where’s Waldo!”

-Olivia asks me if I am going to Cinespace Tuesday night. I look at her like she is crazy and tell her I can’t possibly go. Confused she asks why. I remind her, “BECAUSE there is a picture of me on the flyer?! They might make me DJ or something.”

-Diddy Twitters asking us all to do something in remembrance of Biggie on his birthday. I reply, “Juicy is my ringtone! I am just making people call me tons and then not picking up!”

-Don’t forget to come to the Yard Sale Clothing Swap Tomorrow!

Best Week Ever: March 27, 2009

“It’s always so much better when your week isn’t you sitting around smoking weed and watching Tyra.”

-We go downtown to these fashion shows for some sort of LA fashion week. I get a press pass and am issued into a line with other press types. We are set to go into the show first for our prime seating. I whine to Olivia, “I don’t want to sit with Press. Those people are so boring.”

-According to Olivia people stare at me everywhere I go. I am just rarely paying enough attention to notice. I turn to Erika and Olivia one afternoon at the Beverly Center, “Why is everyone staring at me?” I continue, “Is it because I’m wearing the same outfit as yesterday?”

-While at the mall, I remark to Erika and Olivia that I enjoy seeing unattractive pregnant ladies. I add that I especially like seeing unattractive pregnant ladies with hot dudes. Both of them stare blankly at me, waiting for more. I add, “It’s like someone had sex with you! There is hope for me!” Olivia rolls her eyes, “Sarah, someone had sex with you yesterday.”

-We leave Thursday afternoon for our road-trip to SXSW. One of the girls  in the car remarks that she likes the hoodie I am wearing. I explain that one time at the Missbehave office, someone had asked me what was on said sweatshirt. I in turn had told them it was penguins. Hayley pauses for a second and then inquires, “Wait, what it actually on it?” I shrug, “Sunglasses.”

-During the car ride, Hayley starts explaining her thoughts on the drug debacle down at the Mexican border. She details some outrageous incident where she witnessed a group of vegans doing a bunch of coke. She remarks that they seemed to care about the lives of animals,  but not those of the Mexican children lost to get them their cocaine. I nod my head, “Every time I am about to do a line I pause for a second and say “I’m Sorry Juan. RIP little man!”

-I fall asleep in the car.  Upon beginning to fall asleep I had begun a playlist of fun things for the car’s inhabitants to enjoy. Upon waking up Birdy asks, “Who is the guy talking? Is he some kind of preacher?” Still half asleep I tune my ears into what is on and remark, “Sort of, it’s David Sedaris.”

-I am explaining the varied sources of my income to the girls in the car. I go through the list of freelance gigs and whatnot. I begin to explain the music blog I write for. I am interrupted by Birdy, “I thought you don’t listen to music?” I quickly reply, “Oh, it’s just electronic music. It doesn’t count.”

-I run into my infamous ex-boyfriend Mike down in Texas. He inquires about my diet and why exactly I am dieting. I explain, “I gained a ridiculous amount of weight while I was living in New York.” He asked how. I blame it on take-out and weed. I then add, “I think my mindset was sort of like I am a writer now no one can see me!”

-Mike is at SXSW with Adidas. They are showcasing shoes and doing video interviews with musicians and celebrity types. They interview me on Social Networking and New Media type stuff. After the interview is completed, Mike remarks, “You are very well spoken on camera.” I thank him. He then continues, “It’s weird cause when you talk it’s like blah blah blah I am Sarah Morrison.”

-One of the boys working the Adidas thing is wearing those Jeremy Scott for Adidas sneakers that I have been trying to make mine to no avail. I simply turn to him and ask if I can have his shoes. He looks down at his feet, then at me, and remarks, “I don’t think they would fit you.” I get kind of bummed. Mike sort of baffled by the conversation he just witnessed goes, “I like that he didn’t say no.”

-My phone is about to die. I inform Mike that I am trying to locate a charger. I add, “I am tying to find Steve. He has got to be DJing somewhere with a phone charger.” He quickly replies, “He DJs with a phone charger?”

-There is a girl in a cute little 90s super tight mini-dress at the Mad Decent/Iheartcomix festivities Saturday night.  I go up to her and tell her how much I like it. She says to me, “All night, people has been telling me I am like Kelly Bundy or Kelly Kapowski!” I think for a moment, “Those are two very different people.”

-We end up hanging out with a drunk band one evening. Some band member annoyingly motions to us girls and yells, “Everyone on Joeys lap for a photo!” Joey slides his chair back waiting for us to jump on said opportunity. Jessica remarks at an equal decibel, “No one on Joey’s lap! How about a photo of Joey by himself!” Joey seems just as excited as the flash goes off.

-I am outside some bar with my Macbook trying to return emails since my Blackberry is dead.  Everyone who I  presumed was inside at the table where I had left my purse, appear on the sidewalk.  But I am quickly reassured someone is still sitting at the table inside. I add, “Ok good. I am more concerned about my Chloe bag than this one with my Macbook in it.”

-Brooke informs me that she is glad I decided to go to SXSW. She says she is excited to read this week’s Best Week Ever. She adds, “It’s always so much better when your week isn’t you sitting around smoking weed and watching Tyra.”

Best Week Ever: March 13, 2009

“See, I am living off the grid!”

-Melissa begins telling an amazing story about a friend of mine who is sort of hilarious/slightly insane. Somewhere towards the end of said story Melissa asks Olivia if she has met said girl. Olivia has not. Melissa then reiterates how insane the girl is. Olivia sort of shrugs, “All of Sarah’s friends are really crazy.”

-We are discussing Denny’s for some reason. Melissa and Olivia have both recently dined there. The three of us begin reminiscing about Denny’s via stories circa high school. I reveal the story of my first date, in which I go to Denny’s. (The short version: I am forced to pay for the whole meal and in order to get in his car am forced to climb through the trunk.) They both stare blankly and awkwardly at me as I finish the story. Olivia manages to remark, “Aw, that’s why you hate dating!”

-We are set to go to some party. I am trying to convince everyone that we should simply stay home and watch TV. I am vetoed and forced to get dressed unwillingly. I manage to get ready. I then look at my fancy pretty self in the mirror and sadly remark, “There’s weed stuck to my lip gloss.”

-Olivia is attempting to shut the windows and lock them prior to leaving the house. She is shutting the window by my bed when she notices that it won’t actually close or lock. She is trying to force it shut and getting annoyed. I helpfully announce, “Well, they will just steal me first!”

-Louisah is forced to drive me down to Skid Row for the party we do Saturday night, after I lock myself out of the house and my car in the driveway. I am admiring the amount of tents and tent inhabitant type as we drive around looking for parking. I ask Louisah if she would come visit me if I moved into a tent down here.  I then add, “Honestly, think about how much that would save on rent.”

-Lousiah and I are having trouble locating parking spaces. Upon turning on to a one way street, I notice a spot on the block behind us. I encourage Louisah to reverse the whole way back to the parking space since no one is around. She declines. I suggest, “If you get stopped just act totally confused.” I add, “Just be like “What? I swore I was going forward!”

-Bonnie and I sit out in the cold being door girls at Major Saturday night. Gina keeps asking us an array of questions every 20 minutes involving who is at the party, who is not, and varying degrees of those two questions combined. We are looking the list up and down attempting to answer some question that I am no longer able to remember. So I go, “I would say Franki Chan is the biggest celebrity at your party.”

-An array of people walk in the door and discover my bed moved in front of the TV in the living room and me in it. I attempt to explain that I tried to take a nap in my room and it hadn’t worked out very well. I added, “There was nothing to do. It was really boring.”

-Olivia discovers me and Erika on the verge of sleep in front of the TV early Sunday evening. Half awake, Erika mumbles an explanation about the debacle blaming a weed cookie and me. I sit up and point incriminatingly at Erika, “It was your cookie!”  Olivia nods and looks at Erika, “If that’s true, she is actually right.”

-Olivia starts explaining something about the mailbox and how one would get mail out of it. I inform her I don’t get mail. She begins to think and remarks that the only piece of mail she had ever actually seen me receive was a scarf of mine that Steve Aoki had and therefore had mailed to me. I nod my head and announce, “See, I am living off the grid!”

Best Week Ever: March 6, 2009

“You are really good at kidding!”

-We are watching the enthralling season premiere of Tyra’s other show, America’s Next Top Model. Tyra name drops Paulina Porizkova at some point and homegirl rolls onto the screen. Sally points at the television and excitedly announces that she is her favorite model.  Olivia attempts to quickly correct her, “I thought Sarah was your favorite model?!” Sally shakes her head, stares blankly at the TV, and replies, “No it’s Paulina Porizkova.”

-I go to meet Melissa one morning. I inform her that on the drive over I has seen a girl that looked exactly like Melissa circa high school. Melissa inquires if I took a picture of said girl. I shake my head, “No, but i waved to her!”

-One of Olivia’s friends comes over to watch the Nip/Tuck finale. Fortunately for all involved, she talks through the entire things and we end up spending 3 hours rewinding it and re-watching parts because of this. She becomes convinced at some point the actor who plays Christian is some former cast member of Dawson’s Creek. She spends the majority of the three hours attempting to validate this fact. To shut her up, I finally agree with her and state, “Nip/Tuck is actually a Dawson’s Creek spin-off. It’s literally Dawson’s Creek: the college years.”

-Olivia’s friend that makes TV hard to watch later gets upset that the little black kid on the show is named Wilbur. Unclear as to the source of her anger, we inquire more. She reference’s Charlotte’s Web and it’s protagonist Wilbur the pig. She explains how the naming of a black child Wilbur would be racist. Upon understanding the correlation, I roll my eyes, “That wouldn’t be racist. It would just be bad parenting.”

-We finally reach the credits on Nip/Tuck. The DVR prompts us to decide whether we would like to delete the episode. Olivia turns to me unsure. I clap my hands excitedly and yell, “No, let’s watch it again.” Both Olivia and her friend seem alarmed, until I inform them I am not serious. Olivia’s friend points at me and announces, “You are really good at kidding!”

-I walk into the kitchen one afternoon. Olivia is standing in front of the open the refrigerator. She asks me if I think it’s too early for her to start drinking I shake my head and inform her is it not. I then peer into the refrigerator, “Is it too early to start eating cheese?” Olivia shuts the refrigerator door and quickly replies, “Yes.”

-Lloyd and I are fighting. He originally becomes mad at me do to an altercation with a friend in which I did not stand up for myself. He begins revisiting his anger towards me one evening on Twitter. I get upset. Rose inquires what the latest thing he had said to piss me off was. I reply, “He called me white!”

-Olivia is discussing Twitter and the whole people who follow you vs. the people you follow bit. I am sort of half listening and announce, “If I could chose who to follow on Twitter, I would only follow you and Sally.” Olivia confused manages to explain to me that I CAN and DO currently chose who I follow on Twitter. I nod my head, “Oh yeah.”

-I turn to Olivia and remark, “People should never used the term “shit storm” it’s an alarmingly vivid reference.” Olivia quickly replies, “Oh, you are reading Franki Chan’s Twitter too?”

Best Week Ever: February 27, 2009

“Sorry I am not usually this nice. I just really like people when I am drunk.”

-I cancel on a boy one night this week. He is annoyed. In retaliation, he informs me he is way too busy the rest of the week to possibly hang out. The following evening, I read some girl’s Twitter that says she is at dinner with him. I am rolling my eyes and expressing my annoyance to Olivia when he texts asking if I want to do something.  I turn to Olivia, “I am going to tell him I am starving and make him go out to dinner again.”

-I am about to take a shower and decide to kindly announce this fact to Olivia.  I walk into the kitchen in a towel and ask, “Do you need the bathroom? I am going to go shave my entire body.”

-We are watching a commercial for that model show on Bravo which Tyson Beckford hosts. Olivia stares at the TV and asks if Tyson Beckford has tattoos on his arms. I look closely at the screen and remark, “Either that or he has tights on his arms.” I realize what I said and nod, “Yeah, probably tattoos.”

-Maude goes to some meeting of a secret sect of virgins who are promising their hymens to God or something. She is set to pretend she is one of them in order to write a story on the whole thing. After returning from the venture she explains, “I told them I was you.” Confused, I ask for more information. She explains, “When the virgins asked my name for some reason I just said I was Sarah Morrison.”

-A friend of Olivia’s comes over one night. Me and kitty Olivia’s cat are sitting on the couch watching television. The girl looks over and remarks, “Aw she is so pretty!” I simply reply, “Me? I know right?”

-Dan and I are discussing the poverty epidemic that seems to have plagued us and everyone we know. I have an amazing idea and suggest it to Dan. I say, “Let’s rob Steve Aoki’s house!” Dan agrees with the brilliance in this idea. He adds, “And let’s rape Jacob!”

-Some dude writes me on Facebook. He explains that a friend of his had seen me out in Brooklyn one night. Said friend had then proceded to describe me as “larger than life.” I inquire if by large, he meant physically large. He explains, “Not wide, no.” He continued, “He said you were tall and leggy with a really large face.”

-I am doing the door for Dan’s birthday party Saturday evening. I am sort of positioned away from everyone. I find myself playing Brickbreaker and eating candy to entertain myself. My boredom subsides when the drunkest girl in the world discovers me. She decides she is going to spend her evening speaking incoherently to me and dancing in circles around the chair I am sitting in. One of the only things I actually understood her say the entire night was, “Sorry, I am not usually this nice. I just really like people when I am drunk.”

-I am talking to a gentleman friend of mine who runs a website that makes no money, but in theory should. He is detailing his level of poverty including the fact he doesn’t even have an apartment. I offer to let him live in my backyard. He declines due to the fact he has plenty of “girls’ beds to sleep in.” I excitedly suggest, “Charge them to sleep with you!”

Best Week Ever: February 20, 2009

“Does he like TV?”

-We are stopped at a light on Sunset in front of that giant oil change place called EZ Lube. Olivia points at the building and announces, “That was my nickname in high school.”  I begin to try to empathize with her, when she interrupts me to tell me she was kidding.

-We meet the dude that lives in the house next to us. He is actually kind of hot. He says his name, which we both interpret to be Gordon. He corrects us, explaining that his name is Cordon. I remark, “Oh, your parents were creative.” He immediately shakes his head and says, “They were Irish.”  I smile, “Even Better!”

-I am having trouble trying to find a way to extract a large sum of money from my bank account to give to Olivia to pay for our housing deposit. My bank account is out of New York with no branches here. I am also out of checks. And they refuse to give me my full bank account number over the phone due to some bank policy. Olivia then adds, “Can’t they email or text it to you? Or like post it on Twitter?”

-I found this really ridiculous book at Savers a few weeks ago called Y2K for Women. It details steps and precautions women should take to prepare for the oncoming apocalypse that was set to occur at the turn of the century and unfortunately never actually did. I am showing Olivia my favorite parts. She goes, “Let’s create our own Apocalypse scare.” I get excited, “Let’s have it be on my 30th birthday!”

-I receive a text message from a boy I know at 9:02 am. It reads, “What are you doing tonight?” At 9:02 am.

-Olivia and I are attempting to drive to the PCH but not positive we are going in the right direction. I mention that it would be sad if we were going back to New York instead of towards the water. We begin to edge over a hill. Then voila water. Olivia shakes her head, “I would have been so sad if it was New York.”

-While job searching aka. looking for “Gigs” on Craigslist I discovered an ad for a receptionist. The skills of the ideal applicant were amazingly described as so,”Ability to read and write at a level normally acquired through the completion of college in order to process informational messages.”

-We move into our new house. It could use some work, but I am lazy and don’t really care that much. Olivia on the other hand is more ambitious. I decline her invite to Home Depot in order to sit on the couch and watch Wife Swap. Upon returning, she opens the door, begins to put her bags down, and remarks I brought home a Mexican man! I reply, “Does he like TV?”

Best Week Ever: February 13, 2009

“I really wish the Peach Pit was real.”

-After the third or so commercial for some mattress company and it’s upcoming Presidents’ Day sale, I turn to Erika and remark, “It’s weird that Presidents and mattresses go hand in hand.”

-Olivia and I decide to go to the beach last night just to go I guess. While frolicking through the sand and rocks, Olivia announces that her first word was actually beach. I pause for a minute, “I think my first word was Dad or Dada or Daddy or something.” I then add, “It would be cooler if I just started calling him Bob.”

-So we go over to Malibu last night to make Olivia’s beach dreams come true. Upon walking down we encounter a sign that simply reads “Welcome to The Beach.” Underneath is has an Arrowhead water logo. I point at the sign and announce, “Look, the beach is sponsored by water!”

-I am trying to watch Damages the other night. Neither Erika nor Olivia have seen it and are not getting into it like one/I would hope. Ten minutes in Olivia announces, “I really don’t enjoy shows with this many unattractive people.”

-We find ourselves watching that new 90210 show that I absolutely detest and have deemed the worst show to ever be on television. In between bouts of complaining, I do manage to sincerely announce, “I really wish the Peach Pit was real.”

-Olivia excitedly remarks that the new strangely aloof blonde on 90210 is “pretty curvy.” I remind Olivia that the girl had been in some sort of car accident. Olivia nods, continues eating, and announces, “Oh, that’s what I should tell people!”

-I return from the 99 cent store with a bag full of discontinued candy to enjoy. Upon spreading out my treasures, I display two Nerd Ropes. I remark that one appears to be Christmas themed and the other Valentine’s themed. I begin to eat what I perceive to be the Valentine’s Nerd Rope. It starts to break off in hard little pieces. Disappointed I look down at the package. Besides it’s red and white color scheme, it doesn’t seem to be Valentine’s Day related at all actually. I stop aggressively chewing and announce, “This tastes more like Fourth of July.”

-I introduce Olivia to Melissa, my other friend. It seems to go alright. I ask Olivia in the car afterwards what she thought of Melissa. Olivia, shrugs, “I thought she would be meaner.” I begin to explain that people probably think I am going to be meaner when they first meet me too. I then pause and correct myself, “That’s not really true. I guess they just think I am going to be more annoying.”

-I have been staying with Erika for the past few weeks. Olivia has yet to meet Erika. I somehow manage to start explaining to Olivia how Erika and I watch TV together and both say funny things and how hilarious it all is. I then simply add, “Erika is really fun to watch TV with.”

-After finally finding a cute lil house in Hollywood and putting money down on it, I find my bank account in the negative. I begin to post frantic Twitter messages and Facebook pleas for someone to hire me to do something. (If you want to hire me holler at [email protected]) Greg, a friend of mine from Boston offers to help. I get excited until he details, “You just have to hang out with me and laugh at everything I say, so people think I am funny and cool.” I pause for a second then reply, “Like almost anything for money. Not anything, anything.”

Best Week Ever: February 6, 2009

“This is like Follow That Bird!”

-The vehicle I drive is standard. It is having some mechanical issues and my father is convinced they are all my fault. He begins explaining how fast I should be going to shift into each gear. I don’t really buy the whole thing and am attempting to wrap up the pointless conversation.  “So I shouldn’t be driving around in second and third gear all the time, anymore?” Alarmed, my father yells, “Sarah you should never be driving around in second gear!” I nod and reply, “Oh my god, I know. Totally.”

-Will and I go out to get  ice cream one evening. We had been instructed to get Melissa a sandwich on our way home. For some reason, every single sandwich type shop we find is closed. We keep driving and searching to no avail. As Will peels out of the tenth desolate sandwich shop parking lot, I excitedly announce, “This is like Follow That Bird!”

-I am in the car with Gina en route to some party. I can’t decide which earrings to wear. I hold up the two potential choices and ask, “Should I wear these ones or these door-knockers?” Gina rolls her eyes, “Those are both door-knockers.”

-Gina makes reference to a time last month when she was mildly depressed. I clarify, “Oh, that week you would just write cryptic things like I want to die on Ichat?” She laughs. She then adds, “I noticed a lot of people stopped following me on Twitter during that time. I shake my head, “I have no idea why.”

-Spencer walks over to where Dan and I are standing with a drink in hand. He takes a sip of it, makes a horrible face, and announces that his drink tastes like Gasoline. I hold up my beer, “That’s why I only drink beer. It almost never tastes like Gasoline!”

-We are watching an episode of Tyra about moms who snoop through their daughters stuff. They all claim to be convinced their daughters are trying to have babies and are looking for proof in their bedrooms. I turn to Erika, “What are they hoping to find? A drawer with a bunch of condoms and a hole puncher?”

-We see a coyote while walking to the car one night and freak out. I then attempt to tell a story about seeing a coyote standing in front of my door, at an old apartment a few years ago. I am detailing the scary creature’s appearance when Erika interrupts me, “That doesn’t even sound like a coyote. That sounds like a wolf. I freak out, “Holy shit I saw a wolf.” I correct myself, “Holy shit, I saw saw a wolf two years ago!”

-Erika and I are out at the Cheesecake factory. She makes reference to the song playing and seems shocked I don’t know it. I explain that I don’t really listen to music. She asks me what’s on my Ipod. I shrug, “Audiobooks.”

-I don’t eat meat. I am listing off appetizers that I like, trying to come up with something Erika would want to share with me. After the fourth attempt Erika interrupts me, “I am not really into vegetables unless they are covered in meat.”

-Gina and I are discussing The Real Housewives of Orange County. I apparently spoil the entire show by informing her that Gretchen’s husband dies. I add that I read he actually died in September. She gets all pissed off at me for ruining the entire show for her. I defend myself, “He had terminal cancer. Terminal. Anyone could tell you he was going to die.” She stays mad. I add, “Patrick Swayze is probably going to die too.” She waves her hands in the air, “Just stop now.”

-We all gather around the television Sunday evening to watch the much anticipated “For the Love of Ray J.” It was just as amazing as we had hoped. Girls were crying over their devastating love for Brandy’s little sex tape brother by the first commercial beak. Erika remarks, “These bitches brought their condoms and their whole punchers!”

-Don’t forget to read our new hilarious blog Act Like You Know. It can now be conveniently accessed at ActLikeYouKnow.net. It is constantly updated. So check back tons.

Best Week Ever: January 30, 2009

“Babies are probably cheaper.”

-I am attempting to eat ice cream one evening, when I start shaking, pass out, and and hit my head of the kitchen floor. I wake up confused and disoriented. It gets worse the next day and even worse as the week goes on. I am tired, dizzy, and can’t think straight. My thought process and speech are slow. I can’t manage to even hold a conversation with anyone. The doctor is testing me for everything humanly possible to no avail.  I text Olivia this update, “I hit my head and now I am not funny anymore. My life is like the plot of a shitty Adam Sandler movie. Awesome.”

-I am talking to Chase regarding my sudden unemployment. He assures me that everyone will eventually be fired and the country will fall into a depression worse than the great depression. I suggest we all live together in a farm commune type place in order to make it “fun.” We begin to figure out what all our roles will be on our depression farm. I suggest, “Melissa can take care of the cats.” Chase replies, “We will probably have to eat the cats :(

-I misspelled country “cuntry.” I went to insert the letter “O”, when I found myself staring at the word and it’s utter creepiness. I stopped and showed it to Erika. She looks at it and remarked in disgust, “Cuntry would make a good name for a whorehouse.

-Melissa, Will, and I are sitting around watching the inauguration coverage. We get to the road to the white house bit. Obama and his fam are riding in a car. Occasionally they get out and do a brief waving walk around. Then they get back in the car.  While Joe Biden and his wife are walking awkwardly behind the car, Melissa announces, “I guess Oprah is not as powerful as the president. But, she is definitely more powerful than the vice president.” She points at the TV screen and continues, “Oprah would be in that car! Actually you know what? Oprah probably is in that car!”

-We are watching some sort of Live Aid-esque inauguration concert. As Beyonce performs, we notice she keeps giving Obama these sex eye glances. It becomes almost uncomfortable at a point. Will announces, “She is going to be his Marilyn Monroe.”

-I have been wearing my glasses a lot lately. I take them off one night and announce, “I really need to ween off my glasses.”  Will nods and replies, “Addiction to seeing is dangerous.”

-We are watching Will. I. Am do some improvisational rapping during the credits of some MTV show. I mention that it’s weird how the one guy and Fergie both went on to do well, but no one every saw that other dude from their band again. I honestly can’t think of the band’s name for a minute. I ask, “What was the name of the band they were in? Third Eye Blind?”

-We go to Marble Slab. It’s a Cold Stone Creamery type place where they mix candy and whatnot into your ice cream on a  the counter. For some reason they had already washed the slab for the evening and refused to give me anything other that a cup of ice cream with a bunch of candy pored on top of it, ruining both my ice cream and my life. I complain while eating it. Upon finishing it I announce, “Well that was a waste of 1000 calories.”

-We see one of those ads for the Morning After Pill and it’s availability at pharmacies without a prescription. I wonder how much it costs and presume it is some ridiculous price. I add, “Babies are probably cheaper.”

-The reviews are in the and new blog is a hit. You know you want more so to go Act Like You Know now!

Best Week Ever: January 16, 2009

“If you were a fly people would be trying to kill you all day long.”

-I find myself re-telling Lloyd that story about that crazy retarded roommate kid I lived with early summer who went through my belongings and emailed Olivia about anal sex a bunch. Lloyd enjoyed the full story. He then supportively added, “The day we met that kid, me and James placed bets on when he was going to try to kill you.”

-We find ourselves enjoying the Golden Globes Sunday evening. Upon the announcement of Heath Leger’s win, we pause to see who is going to accept Heath Ledger’s award. Some guy stands up in the crowd and begins to head to the stage. Will gasps, “Oh my god is that Patrick Swayze!” I pause, “That would be so fucked up.”

-We are watching the Golden Globes after show. Sal Masa-whatever and his E network counterpart are stopping unwilling attendees and forcing them to discuss the award show on the way to their cars. They are awkwardly interrogating Eva Mendes when that Jon Voight dude runs over and interrupts them and begins hugging the group. They try to keep up their banter with Ms. Mendes as Jon Voight awkwardly keeps trying to interject. I simply state, “That dude is so weird.” Will adds, “I think he’s a Republican.”

-En route from New York to Los Angeles to relocate my life, I find myself and my place of employment parting ways due “the recession.” My mother is being less than helpful in ideas of how to fix my current life crisis. She asks me what I plan to do repeatedly, but since I do not know I keep ignoring her. I finally inform her I am in Texas. She asks, “Are you going to stay in Austin and start a magazine?” Due to the ridiculousness of this question I simply answer, “Yes.” She then asks, “Is Olivia going to move to Austin and help you with the magazine?” Due to the equal ridiculousness in this question, I again reply, “Yes.” She replies, “That’s great!”

-My best friend Melissa runs a vintage company. I used to do modeling for her when I lived in Los Angeles. Due to the fact I am relocating back to California and have lost the weight I had happily gained living in Brooklyn, I ask her if I can model again for her. She looks at my awkwardly and start to laugh. She then says, “The cut off age is 24 now.” Kind of offended and kind of confused I go, “I wasn’t even 24 then.” She tries to inform me that things have changed. I am still offended and add, “But I am famous on the internet.” She adds, “But you are almost 30.”

-Melissa is out of weed one night and decides we should try to smoke catnip and see what happens. We continue smoking it and trying to gauge if anything is happening. I decide to inquire whether smoking catnip is an actual thing people do or if this is a completely pointless endeavor. I opt to text my brother who is a drug expert of sorts. I simply type, “Is anything going to happen if we smoke a bunch of catnip?” Sam replies, “I got a new phone and don’t have anyone’s numbers. I am guessing this is Sarah.”

-I am depressed and have been dragged out of the house one evening by force. I remark to Will than I wish I was invisible. He asks me if I had heard the This American Life episode where they ask people If they would rather be invisible or be a fly. I instantly remark, “Invisible. If you were a fly people would be trying to kill you all day long. He corrects me,  “No, invisible or to fly.” I add, “That makes more sense.”

-While watching television one night. I hear the cat squealing and look over and see Will stepping on the cat. Alarmed I tell him to stop. He explains that she likes it and demonstrates how she enjoys being stepped on and her tail stomped on. She rolls around in enjoyment and he I let the whole sick thing continue. I watch the whole thing confused and add, “She is like an S+M cat.”

-If you want to hire me to do anything, I am really talented. Holler at me [email protected]

Best Week Ever: January 9, 2009

“Everyone is so much funnier when they are hung-over.”

-After some reshuffling of the staff at Missbehave and some new job titles, I find myself a little confused. I decide to inquire what exactly everyone is doing these days.  Maude gives me a rundown of the nature of her job and explains that in reality it differed very little from that of Olivia’s. It was only the title that separated the two.  Olivia then explains to me that she had a choice between the titles of associate editor and staff writer. She adds, “I was told that staff writers are assumed to be drunks that never turn anything in on time, SO I chose to be an associate editor.”  I stopped the entire confusing conversation, waved my hands in the air, and announced, “I want to be a staff writer!”

-We hold the second of our Missbehave Christmas parties. I have trouble getting dressed for the occasion, due to the fact I had put so much effort into our last (and what I had presumed to be our sole Christmas party). I end up arriving in a pair of jeans, t-shirt, and two different colored versions of the same Marc Jacobs’ pair of jelly sandals. I arrive late in said outfit and discover my coworkers/friends drunk and looking a bit more put together than myself. Samantha points at my feet and yells to our crowd of onlookers, “Sarah is wearing jellies in the middle of winter!” I add, “This is why you are my friend. You haven’t even noticed I am wearing two different shoes.”

-A friend of mine brings to my attention that I had a Wikipedia entry. I am not exactly clear how Wikipedia works. I have since watched said entry evolve and dissolve almost daily into different versions of what I may or may not be. Upon noticing it, it was paragraphs long. It then became much shorter and to the point. It keeps fluctuating back and forth with new birth-dates,  new resume details, new alleged accomplishments, and my favorite new flags regarding my relevance or more importantly irrelevance to the greater good (in general.) As i showed my now three sentence long proof that i am somehow relevant to my brother, I find myself hitting the computer screen and remarking, “I feel like every time anyone talks shit about me I should be like, but I have a Wikipedia entry!”

-It is holiday time at the Morrison’s, one of the happiest times in all of the world. My brother is on the phone. My mother sits on the computer checking her email behind him. I walk in and sit down on the couch near Sam. I didn’t think he noticed me, until he literally put the phone down, looked at me like I was retarded, and asked what the hell I was eating. I look down at my strange snack, then back up at him and mutter, “Bread and cheese?” He begins to put the phone back up to his ear then stops and goes, “What is this, jail?” I find myself looking towards my mom for answers. She doesn’t event turn away from her computer screen. So I simply shrug, “I guess.”

-My mom encounters me doing work on my laptop and eating out of a bag of pita chips the day after Christmas. She stares confused at me and asks what I am doing. I begin to detail work and emails when she stops me, “Why are you eating those…. they are so salty!?” I nod and begin to agree with her. She instructs me to throw them away. I begin to try to stand up for the poor pita chips. “Can’t I wipe them off or wash them off?” My mom point to the trash can. I roll my eyes, feeling defeated and dump them out.

-My dad is very regimented. He goes to sleep at 9:30pm each night. He wakes up at 6:30am each morning. He gets the paper, he eats breakfast, he does god knows what. It doesn’t really matter. That’s how he rolls. Sam and I get up at our respective morning hours much later than our dad’s. Just like high school, I appear much earlier than Sam. My Dad has this baffling tale to tell. He went outside to get the Boston Globe like he does each morning and has done each morning for 20 some odd years. He picks the paper up off the ground and is completely at a loss as to what is in his hand. He explains, “Sarrrrr, it’s the fucking New York Post!?” I have no idea what to say. He continues, “You know what I do? ” Sort of frightened as to what is coming next, I simply shrug. He continues, “I drop the paper on the fucking ground and look around for that kooky Ashton kid to tell me I am being Punk’d!”

-I go to see that movie the Wrestler. In case you haven’t seen it, it’s Mickey Rourke depicting a Hulk Hogan-esque wrestler. His reign has ended with that of  80s wrestling. He works mid-west high school auditoriums. He lives in a trailer. He’s completely alone. I watch the whole thing frightened. I turn to the friend I was with after the films’ end (still finishing my popcorn) and announce, “I have never identified with a character in a movie more than this.” I dump the rest of the bag of popcorn in my mouth and add, “That is so fucked up.”

-I find myself stuck in traffic one afternoon, (from Boston to NYC in a car that was once mine, but I had given to my dad due to gas prices) with my newly possessed vehicle to en route to Brooklyn to pack up my belongings for my move back to Los Angeles. My friend Rose is inquiring about my where abouts due to the fact I am four hours late and still MIA. I detail the situation to her the best I can, typing through abruptly moving traffic.  I am listening to Wendy Williams luckily, and it’s biding my time well. I explain that I left Boston 7 hours ago, but I do encourage Rose to tune in to it um, NOW! I love me some Wendy Williams. But, today Wendy is next level epic. I encourage Rose to tune in. I add, “She is so hungover and it’s SO amazing.” I then pause and think about my life and laugh, “Everyone is so much funnier when they are hung-over.”

-I have had a few sort of emotional curve-balls sent my way in the past few weeks. But we move on. We pack things up and we start driving, right? Well that’s what i do. I have been driving all night. It’s 7 am somewhere in the deep south. I stop to get a new Ipod charger at a Wal-mart I see off the freeway. I am tired. I am irritable. I am mumbling to myself as I enter said rural southern Wal-mart at 7 am. I am walking briskly through the door. I hear a sad voice attempting it’s best happy, “Hello ma’am. Welcome to Wal-mart.” I turn. I see an elderly man in a wheelchair doing his best to smile. But his almost smile made me genuinely light up. I wanted to hug him, but I felt like that would be weird at Wal-mart.

Best Week Ever: The Best of 2008

-Some girl writes me on Myspace insisting I have my own reality show. I acknowledge that it would be good television. I inform her that I have no idea how to acquire a reality show. I go, “What if I just show up in Times Square at TRL with “I heart Carson Daly’ posters?’ I’ll then just act totally devastated when I find out he no longer works there. I go, “I will throw myself on the ground screaming and crying.’ That will have to get me at least on TV.

-My mom has survived Breast Cancer three times. She asks me to do the “Whatever-annual Breast Cancer Walk’ in Boston some weekend coming up. I ask her the date and start pulling up my Blackberry calendar seeing if I was free. She tells me it is three days long. I had assumed it was some sort of mile or two trek along the Charles River. In disbelief, I go to the computer and pull up the website. I shake my head and go, “Oh my god, the Avon Breast Cancer walk sounds like fucking Burning Man.’ I then agree to just “give money.’

-Leah is inquiring as to my whereabouts via Blackberry Messenger. I detail my self-induced depression.’ I add, “I am going to NYC. Hopefully tom will help me out.’ Leah writes back, “Who the hell is Tom?’ I go, “Oh, I thought “tom’ was BBM short for “Tomorrow.’

-I pick up the ringing phone at my parents’ house one night. After awkwardly holding their portable phone hoping someone would take it from me and no one did, I awkwardly answered it. I was so confused. My aunt said, “Is this Sarah?’ (I think I nodded, but was unable to actually respond.) She then asked, “How is your new job in New York?” I manage to nod, “Um ok.” I held the phone away from my head, looked at it confused, and brought it back, “I’m just so confused. I hadn’t answered a non-cellphone in years.”

-I am driving from New York to Boston, again. I encounter a snowstorm, again. I end up getting off the highway after 8 or so hours and get a motel somewhere outside of Hartford. I go to some nearby gas station to get chips or something to eat. The gas station dude is eyeing me as I roam around the store. A minute or so after my entrance, he actually wanders over to the aisle I am standing in and asks if he can help me find anything. I shake my head no. I pick up a bag of chips and then put them back and pick up another bag. He is staring at me from behind the counter and angrily yells, “Can I help you with something?” I put whatever is in my hand back down. I have been in instances like this before. This time completely alone in a LAMB coat, some cute-ass dress, and pair of three hundred dollar boots, I manage to announce, “I swear to god when I am anywhere besides New York or LA people think I am homeless.” I slam the door, go back to my motel and opt for the less judgmental vending machines.

-I am half listening to Anthony and typing away on my phone. I hear him inform me that I smell “like blackberry.” I become startled enough to stop typing and completely put my phone down. He explains that it’s my lipgloss, not my phone he is referring to. I pick my phone back up, confused as to why I didn’t assume that.

-Donavon inquires how my stay in Boston is going. I nod calmly and reply, “I want to jump out the bathroom window upstairs at my parents house. There’s like three feet of snow on the ground. So, I am afraid that might cushion my fall.”

-I opt to move my belongings from my parents’ basement in Boston to my new apt in New York during the Superbowl. My mom, not a football fan of any sort, thinks I should stay through the game, and leave in the morning. My dad is helping me put things in my truck, during half time. My mom finally goes, “You are really going to drive from Boston to New York, while these two teams …” My dad interrupts, “Sure she is. There will be no traffic and every cop will be sitting in a bar watching this.”

-I find some feature on Facebook where I can get engaged and simply chose whom on my list of friends I would like to be engaged to. I instinctively select Steve Aoki. It then informs me a message will be sent to Steve to “confirm the engagement.” I felt defeated figuring he won’t approve it, and instead “yell at me” on BBM. For reasons unknown and unquestioned, I woke up engaged to Steve Aoki on Facebook. While some of the comments I received regarding said engagement were kind of funny, those that Steve received were priceless. My personal favorite was, “Congrats you’re engaged to one of my favorite 20-somethings in all of the United States of America!”

-Nikki starts telling me she saw them filming the Sex and the City movie on her way to work. I tell her to shut up because I don’t want to hear anything about the movie. She continues, “They were in Duane Reade! I just ruined the whole movie! There’s a scene where Carrie goes to the drug store.” I roll my eyes, “You still just made me sad.”

-I meet up with Will Tee Yang to take photos. He starts telling me about how one of his friends was in Scotland and ran into one of my friends from high school’s little sister. He says homeboy called him in disbelief that he met girls in Scotland who knew me. I go, “I wonder how that conversation started? Oh hey, are you from America? So, do you know Sarah Morrison?”

-I end up at the ER last weekend. Don’t ask. I end up at another medical facility two days later with a completely different diagnosis. I inform Nikki over iChat that I am probably going to die due to the shitty medical care the uninsured receive in this country. I tell her that I am going to sacrifice myself to prove how much our Healthcare system blows. I add, “I am gonna go down a cross between Kurt Cobain and Ghandi.”

-While sick last weekend, I watch a bunch of dumb movies just to distract myself from how miserable I am. I somehow ended up watching “I Robot” and “I Legend” in a row. I presumed the two were related, like one was the sequel to the other. I don’t think, but am still not entirely sure this wasn’t the case. But if so, I hope the third installment will simply be called “I Will Smith.”

-I am out to dinner with my mom and brother. I go to order a beer and realize I don’t have my license. But quickly perk up when I remember my mom is sitting across from me. I point to her and inform the waitress she can vouch for my age. The waitress says no. Sort of irritated I say, “She is the best ID you are going to get.” She says no again.

-My brother and I are catching up on episodes of Entourage. We watch some recent one with Marky Mark Wahlberg in it. As the credits roll, my brother reads “Mark Wahlberg’s hair stylist?” Confused he turns to me, “Wasn’t he wearing a hat the whole time?” I respond, “I want that job.”

-We have gotten really into smoking weed. So much so that I ambitiously created a section in the notes part of my phone called “Olivia’s stoned thoughts.” So far the list reads: sew sequined dinosaurs on really nice sweaters, Tyra Banks is made of alien, and VH1 reality show “tandem bike.”

-We are at some magazine-type party thing last night. There is a mysterious free punch available. Next to the punch bowl is what I assume to be the ingredients of said punch: tequila, rum, and vodka. We are standing around awkwardly trying to drink it, pretending to look at art. Some dude from the magazine approaches us. He points at our cups and asks us how the punch is. Olivia answers, “It tastes like high school!”

-We are editing the magazine. I see a piece I had written with someone’s edits on it. I whine and mumble, “I would never use words like that.” When asked what words I am referring to, I look down at the paper in front of me and answer, “Desire and refreshing.”

– Olivia and I are watching a string of dwarf themed shows on TLC one afternoon. The dwarf marathon comes to an end, and Jon and Kate Plus 8 comes on. Disappointed I add, “Dammit, these aren’t midgets, these are just kids.”

-I show up to work in an adorable new dress. Mary and Sam Oohed and Awed. They asked me who made it. I had no idea. So Mary pulls my tag and read, “Elizabeth and James.” She then starts cackling telling me I was wearing a Mary Kate and Ashley dress. I got sad and mumbled, “But I got it at Saks.”

-We are watching this show about people who won the lottery and the weird crap they bought with their gabillions, on TV one night. I announce, “If I won the lottery I would buy a house. Then I would pay my rent from that moment til I was like 85.” Olivia then reminded me that if you buy a house you don’t have to pay rent anymore. She added, “That’s how buying a house works.”

-I see an ad for that new movie Beverly Hulls Chihuahua. I get excited and announce, “Yay! I love animal road trip movies!”

-Olivia informs me the vice presidential debate is on. I apparently had missed the fact Obama had chosen a running mate. I ask Olivia who it is. She shrugs, “Some old white dude.” Confused I reply, “I thought he would have chosen someone super hip to be the vice president like um…Kanye.”

-Rose is rolling her eyes at my diet of eating nothing. Since I am moving in with her next week, she expresses her concern that I will be starving myself at her house. Christine goes, “You will walk into the kitchen and Sarah will be passed out while boiling water or something.” I add, “Yeah, but I will be boiling water and trying to convince you I am making water soup!”

-Olivia arrives home from work to me watching television, like usual. She remarks, “You look really tan.” Confused, I explain that someone else had told me the same thing. She stops, “Wait you saw someone else today?” I shrug, “No yesterday.”

-A stoned kid is explaining some strange theory of his, sort of regarding the galaxy and how the planets align. It makes no sense and he keeps referencing Willie Nelson. I periodically nod to allude to caring. He then adds, “I have seen a bunch of different Youtube videos about it.” I nod, “That’s like saying you read about it in a bunch of Wikipedia entries.” In all seriousness he replies, “I know right?”

-Out of boredom and out of nowhere Olivia suggests, “Let’s go try on spandex unitards at American Apparel.” I decline. She adds, “Come on it’ll be funny!” I shake my head, “No, it won’t be.”

-I roll my eyes and remark to one of my co-workers that the Yobeat commenters are getting all upset that I am not talking about snowboarding. I add, “Wait two of them just said shred.” She asks, “What does shred mean?” I shrug, “The 1990s.

-Christine and I are outside smoking in the freezing fucking cold. I am bitching and moaning about the temperature. She interrupts, to remind me that just last week we were out smoking and I was calling her a pussy for being cold. I explain, “It wasn’t even cold out that day. It’s cold today.” I then add, “Plus, I am always right.”

-Danielle emails me the details for a baby shower next weekend. In said email she reiterates that it is a baby shower. She explains, “Baby showers aren’t bachelorette parties. Dildos aren’t appropriate gifts.” I reply, “What about a baby dildo?” She reminds me that it’s a boy. She adds, “A nice pocket-pussy would be more appropriate.”

-At my job, I am responsible for managing some new bloggers. Admittedly blogging isn’t the easiest thing to get the hang of. I am attempting to be supportive and blog-motherly to my new recruits. I take down a blog one of the girls has written. The topic of the blog is said girl’s love for the show Mad Men and her confusion to it’s sudden absence from TV. She writes me confused as to why I took the post down. I reply, “Mad Men is not on TV because they had the season finale. It’s like asking our readers asking what happened to George w Bush…Oh wait, he’s just not president anymore!”

-I am talking to Dave via Ichat one morning. It is still the previous evening for him, making our conversation that much more enjoyable. At some point he goes, “You have 29,000 Myspace friends?” I inform him he is correct. He then adds, “You must still be relevant!” To which I add, “I am not dead. I am just in New York.