Sure it’s cool you can blame him for everything wrong in your life, but you gotta admit it’s cool to have a president who talks about snowboarding. (Skip to 5:29 if you must.)
In this new exclusive series, the President of the United States interviews professional snowboarders about their lives. This is the first of several interviews, but up first is the mad man himself, Travis Rice.
Tomorrow is Election Day for those of us in the United States. And unless you’re under 18, not from here, a felon, or an anarchist, you should really be voting. You can say “it doesn’t matter, nothing is going to change.” And that is partially right, but there are more important reasons to vote–reasons much more pertinent to snowboarders. The environment and healthcare are two key factors in this election, and both can have a significant impact on your life.
Let’s start with the environment. Neither of the two major parties are talking about climate change, but scientists overwhelmingly agree that humans are impacting the weather. I’m all for traveling to Canada to ride every so often, but I don’t want that to be the only place left. Sure, there will be places that have heavy storms and great snowpack, but look at Tahoe, Mammoth and just about everywhere except the Northwest this past year. If seasons like that become the norm, snowboarding is going to get a lot smaller. Jobs in the industry and on the periphery are going to be much more scarce and fewer companies will be buying ad space on YOBEAT.
I’m not suggesting we all start driving less and using solar-everything, because I don’t think this is an issue that should be put on the individual. As a whole we can impact the temperature of the planet a little, but to slow, halt, and in time reverse the changes that have already taken place we need to push for a cultural shift. There needs to be large-scale infrastructure changes.
Take Vail Resorts, for example. They know a significant part of their income is gone if climate change become too drastic. So they’ve positioned themselves as alternative-energy pioneers and serious environmental stewards. It could all just be greenwashing because the want to keep the money coming in. But I suspect they see climate change as a very real obstacle to their income growth and would rather not have to give up that money.
The second point is healthcare. It’s this simple for me, young people get to hang on their parents’ health insurance for longer — until your 26, thanks to the latest reforms.
You know what’s awesome about this? The freedom it gives young people. So you’re going to take a few years after high school/college to ride and just live the life? Chances are you’re going to get hurt, or you’re going to get herpes from that super punk rock girl who works at the season pass office at Northstar (trust me on that one), or you’re just going to get a sweet case of mountain town cough because those places are hotbeds of communicable disease.
But if you’re young, you can now still being sucking the titties of your parents insurance. You can work a shitty job, ride all day and still be covered. But what if your parents don’t have insurance to extend to you? Health care reform will make it easier for you get insurance in 2014. You won’t have to worry about what you picked up along the way and you won’t have to worry about going broke just to see a doctor.
So when I sit down and look at the ballot, I have to think, “Do I want the dude who is proud of his claims that he will change nothing regarding the impact we make on the environment, thus making it shittier. Do I want the guy who wants to make insurance more costly and more of a burden for you? Or, do I want someone who is putting us on the right path towards controlling our environmental impact and wants to see quality healthcare available to all of us, at a cost that doesn’t break us?”
Ultimately it’s up to you how you want to vote, but it’s pretty important to do so. If you think the main two parties are crap, please vote for a third party candidate. If nothing else, do it for the stickers.
Yesterday, United States President Barack Obama welcomed the US Olympic Snowboarding Team to his home. The job of translating bro talk, navigating cultural differences and documenting the event was given to Yobeat. Out of respect for this historic moment Yobeat has decided to publish our account almost completely unedited. Any and all editing was strictly saved for increased readability and information facilitation.
After arriving in Washington D.C. the group headed to President Obama’s home. A brief security check awaited us. Once cleared of bombs, guns, anthrax, knives, bombs again and finally any bottled liquid or gel containing more than 3.4 ounces we were given a green light to proceed. Once past White House security eight Olympic snowboarders were ushered past a small army of well dressed heavily armed men. Scotty Lago liked their weapons–fully automatic machine guns and pistols of a high enough caliber to cave your chest in. Nate Holland, who wore a superman suit, took this opportunity to be a jackass, “You call that a gun?” The group winced, hoping the cyborg-esque man before us had not noticed. He had, “I will end you.”
While waiting for the arrival of a ninth Olympian we were given a tour. Elena Hight loved the tapestry of the dining hall, but kept her head down after being scolded for touching. Kelly Clark was also given a warning after blowing her nose into Eleanor Roosevelt’s handcrafted table cloth. This led to a heavier surveillance for the remainder of the tour. The next 23 minutes were painfully quiet, the only sounds coming from the clicking and clanking of Louie Vito’s chains.
Our first peak of the President came when he came through the front door, “Goodbye Michael Jordan, Lebron James and Jesus.” The President, dripping with sweat and in athletic apparel, was caught off guard by our presence, “Hello, who are you people?” Nate Holland opened his mouth but was quickly throat punched by the Secret Service officer he had previously insulted. Louie Vito spoke, “Obama, we are the Olympic Snowboarding Team. We are supposed to meet you today.” The President eyed a guard, “Do not call me Obama. Now, I just finished a game of hoops, excuse me.” Everyone stood awkwardly except for Nate Holland, he was unconscious.
Nate Holland really wants to be the fastest boarder on earth.
A well dressed, freshly showered President returned moments later. With the help of 37 aides we were given a serious once over. “I was not aware you would all be here. I only wanted the Flying Potato. Where is he?” Silence ensued. “Fine, to the Oval Office.” Lindsey Jacobellis took off running for the door, and the group pursued. Lindsey fell just before the door. The rest of the group past her as she lay crying in the hallway.
Things began to relax inside the Oval Office. Much of the group stared at historic relics, photographs and books while the President searched through a trunk. “So, what do you guys think, of my new Health Care bill?” Everyone agreed it was good, except Nate Holland. “That Shi…” came out of his mouth, and again he was knocked unconscious. The cyborg-esque man almost grinned. The President turned to face us, having found what he was looking for, “Now, does anyone want to play dominos, while we wait for the Potato?” Louie Vito looked up excitedly and backflipped off the couch, “Obamms’ I got you on dominos.” “Do not call me Obamms’.” “Sorry.”
Domino’s were played. Louie Vito was the Presidents only competition. “You have some skills, but can you land a backflip off my desk?” In less than a second Louie was standing on the leader of the free world’s desk, “Check it out Barack!” “Do not call me Barack.” Then Louie flung his head back and leapt. “Wow, incredible, what do you call that?” “Double Cork 1260.” “I have a trick of my own.” “Do it O-man!” “Do not call me O-man, and DOMINOS MOTHER FUCKER!”
Walkie-Talkies began to make noise. “Code Pink, second story kitchen counter.” Three men, guns in hand, sprinted out of the room. I realized Scotty Lago was no longer with the group. “My main man O, what’s a Code Pink.” “Do not call me your main man O.” The President looked to his aide, “When will the Potato be here.” Running could be heard upstairs. And then downstairs. And then in what sounded like the wall until a trap door burst open. Scotty Lago had rejoined the group. Resting against the trap door he caught his breath, “Oh hey guys. Great secret tunnels Mr. President, what’s everyone doing?” The President looked sternly in Scotty’s direction, “Code Pink?” Scotty made the “not me” face. The President winked at Scotty, “Call off the Code Pink.” The Oval Office was then bombarded by men, each with an orange wrist band. Four men in suits followed, single file, through the front door while three others, dressed for urban combat crashed through the windows. Aides shrieked, the Secret Service had been disarmed and the President pounded down on his desk, “What the fuck! Michelle will kill me over those windows. Who are you people? Do you have the Potato?” A man, followed by three more men, answered, “Calm down Mr. President, we are Shaun’s people, this is a simple security sweep ensuring Shaun’s safety.” “Oh, well fine, sweep away, and where did you get your guys?”
Scotty Lago and a maid running from well dressed men with guns.
“All clear.” Boom! The door flew open, a red carpet rolled in through the open doorway, a constant flashing bulb sent Nate Holland into a seizure while Led Zeppelin deafened the rest of us. A blur of red slid through the smoke and down the red carpet. After a moment of air guitar Shaun White stood up, “Obama my man! Sorry I was late. Got hung up in Europe ‘cuz of that volcano thang. All good though. My old pal Richard Branson hooked up a space flight and we just skipped the pond man.” The music began to fade as the fog cleared. The red carpet and Shaun’s people had vanished, also; the windows were fixed.
“So B-man, I caught up with Jesus and Jordan at SuperStarbucks. They say you schooled ‘em, nice work.” The slap of a high-five could almost be heard, but ears were still ringing. Their conversation continued. The rest of us regained our balance, and began to take our seats. Tension in the room was growing. Kelly Clark was visibly upset, “I have Gold medals too! Why is Shaun so special?” Greg Bretz spoke up, “What? You’re not Ross Powers or Gian Simmen.” Vito fell over in laughter. Gretchen whispered to Greg, “That’s Kelly Clark, she’s a chick.” “No fucking way.”
Hate Shaun White all you want. He’s still having more fun that you’ll ever have.
Joe Biden and some other politicians entered the room. “B-man, we heard the Potato is here!” “Joe, I’m sorry, Shaun has not arrived yet.” “Shit really? We just bailed on Congress for this.” “Gotcha!” Shaun pops up from behind the desk, “Biden, other old white dudes! What’s good bros?” More talking ensues, and everyone sits down. I hear the President mention Code Pink. A roar of laughter and high-fives ensue, and Scotty is asked to join Shaun and our leaders. I take a pee.
The soap made my hands smell funny, and there was a condom in the waste basket. I find the wrapper, it’s a Scotty Lago edition, made by Rockstar Energy Drink. I leave the bathroom.
Vito had now joined the popular table. Nate Holland’s blood began to boil, “I’m the fastest ripper in the world. How could they not wanna’ hang with me! Fuck it, I’m going over. Yo dudes, did I ever tell you about the time I was going really fast?” Something wizzed by my face. Nate, having only taken two steps, hit the ground face first. A small dart was protruding from his neck. The President looked at an air duct, “Thanks Tom.” Nate was dragged off, not to be seen again.
The rest of us sat in relative silence. Elena had fallen asleep. Lindsey tended to her wounds. Rug burn. Earlier, she had tried to show off like Shaun, but her showboating ended in pain. Greg sat in disbelief, still starring wide eyed, directly at Kelly. An aide walked over, “Hi guys. So we need to wrap this up, but as a token of the President’s appreciation for representing our country in the 2010 Winter Olympic Games we are presenting you with not only these coupons for half off your cab fare, but these buy-one get-one passes to ESPN Zone, located just downtown.” The group looked astonished. Greg scooped up his prize, “Fuck yeah ESPN Zone, let’s do this!” I looked at the woman, “Media, can’t leave, have to observe, sorry.” “Oh, are you a new aide?” “No.” “With CNN?” “No.” “You’re with who exactly?” “Yobeat. I’m here to observe, translate and educate.” “I’ve never heard of Yobeat.” “You’re not alone.” And with that I was allowed to stay.
Meeting the President is a big deal. Gretchen did all she could to impress.
I sat back, listening for quotes, “So Louie, let’s see your medal.” “Oh, I actually came in 5th place but.” “Get the fuck out.” Mid-sentence Biden had cut Vito off, I did not see Vito again. I kept listening. “So, Code Pink huh? That’s great work Scotty. Brings me back to the ‘90s with Wild Bill.” A tap on the door interrupted the flow of conversation. Gretchen Bleiler entered the room. The Vice President stood up, “Look, we’re really sorry but Shaun told us girl snowboarding didn’t matter, and this is kinda like man time.” Gretchen slipped off her coat. Biden’s jaw dropped,“But you know what, this country needs change, and it deserves change, so by god, let’s work together and hang up that coat.” Gretchen was back, but with no available chairs she was forced to stand. She stood there indefinitely, silent and awkward. She had become political eye candy, and the boys club carried on.
The President stood up, “Well fellow Americans, how do we feel about dinner?” Shaun whipped out his Blacker Than Black card, winked and whispered in the ear of an assistant. I have no idea where she came from. A moment later the chandelier began to rattle. “So hey, my boys Richard Branson and Steve Jobs are hovering outside in Rich’s new fighter jet. How about we pile in and grab some grub in China? I know this great place.” Biden interrupts, “The place with the tigers?” “You’ve been? Awesome! So you in?” Scotty scratches his head. I read his lips, “What the fuck?” The President stood up, “Shaun White, I don’t really like China, but I’ll make an exception for you.” The group headed towards the hallway. The President wrapped his arm around Shaun, “So Shaun White, why do they call you the Potato?”
As the chandelier shook for a second time an aide entered the room, “Do you need anything else? The President has instructed me to help you in any way that I can.”Â I asked if Yobeat could have a bailout package. She starred back blankly. “I’m ready for my coupon to ESPN Zone now.” As I looked around the Oval Office for a final time two men entered. They picked up Gretchen. She had a dart in her neck.
Nick: President Elect Obama, John McCain, crazy night right?Â
Obama: We Barrocked the vote.
McCain: I voted for myself…
Nick: Mr. President, now what?Â
Obama: What do you think? It’s time to Barrock n’ Roll!
Barocking n’ Rolling
McCain: Well I…
Nick: Sorry John, wasn’t talking to you.Â
McCain: I was a prisoner…
Nick: Seriously John, I’m talking with the President Elect.Â
Obama; Well I just met Oprah, she was crying, I made Oprah cry tears of joy, I’m really proud of that. Now I need to get my bags packed and buy a puppy for the White House.Â
Nick: John is that Sarah Palin hiding behind you?Â
Sarah: Oh Hi! Well don’t cha’ know it’s just me lil’ old Sarah Palin. I am just here to let you know you should vote Sarah Palin 2012.Â
Obama: (Chuckles, looks at her, chuckles some more)
McCain: Sarah please, haven’t you done enough?Â
Sarah: Well don’t cha’ know I’ll be back, Joe Six-Pack has agreed to be my running mate. I’ve got my cabinet picked out too, Joe the Plumber, Stacy the School Teacher, Jeff the Hockey Player, Tim the Teacher, and Susan the Stripper.Â
McCain: Jesus Sarah…
Obama: Sarah I support that 100%, I’ll be up for re-election and I think that decision would be just great.Â
McCain: I was a fucking war hero!
Nick: Why don’t we calm down. Mr. President Elect, you made history tonight. Not only will you be the first African-American President, but you are also going into the White House during one of the darkest hours in American history. The economy is a mess, we are waging multiple wars, our country is morally split, and the healthcare system is pathetic at best, how can you possibly expect to fix all of this?Â
Obama: We’ll figure it out. A little hard work, a little hope, a little less brainlessness, I think we can get things pointed in the right direction.Â
(Sarah appears out of no where, she had been going rogue.)
Sarah: We’ll just pray to Jesus don’t cha know! Jesus is like a pit bull with lipstick after all! It’s all about job creation!
(McCain closes his eyes and tries to breath deep.)
Obama: You really picked her as a running mate?Â
McCain: Ah, come on really? You’re going to ask that even after you crushed me tonight?
Obama: Sorry John, that was a low blow.Â
Nick: Mr. President Elect, some people have been tagging you as a socialist, why do you think that is?Â
Obama: Aren’t those the same people that think I’m the Anti-Christ? I think they’ll be happy soon enough.
McCain: I can also take some credit for that assumption, I was angry and said some hurtful things.Â
Obama: Come on John, with your support we can really change this place. (Obama then went on to talk about hope and change for a while.)
McCain: ZzzZzzZzz… Oh, yeah, hope, change, sorry, old, I mean, yes of course Barack, we will change all sorts of …ZzzZZzZzZzz.Â
Nick: Ah, that’s cute.Â
Obama: You mind if I get out of here? We’ve got a country to fix.
Nick: Yeah, sounds important, good talking to you.
Obama: Thanks for the opportunity, I’ve always loved Yobeat.
High-five with the next PresidentÂ
As a highly influential publication, we at YoBeat felt we better make our feelings known one of the hot button issues facing the nation today: the upcoming election. So we’ve browsed the web, searched the net and watched all the highly factual television commercials to bring you our endorsements for various important races across this great country.