The 2018 snowboard season will likely be remembered mostly for its strong feminine voices. But even in these times of empowerment, a reddit post filled with particularly gross male-grunting has been circulating social media. The topic was initially well-intentioned, “Describe your your local mountain like a romantic partner.”It immediately devolved into a dumpster fire reeking of cum. After forcing my eyeballs to process the whole thing, I have two questions:
Do you understand the definition of ‘Romantic*’?
*ro·man·tic; r??man(t)ik/; adjective; conducive to or characterized by the expression of love.
“a romantic candlelit dinner”; synonyms: loving, amorous, passionate, tender, affectionate
And do you even like your home mountains?
Women were not amused. So we got angry, then we got even. I now present to you ‘mountains we’ve been to that remind us of going on a tinder date with you that one time.’
“Stowe is that rich guy you went on one date with in college. He takes you to the most expensive restaurant in town and then asks you to go Dutch at the end of the meal. He blows a line of cocaine, before spending the whole time having sex staring at himself in the mirror.”
“Jackson Hole is that one dude you met on Tinder whilst roaming for the best one-night stand of your life. He looks good in pics, his profile makes you think you need to be all over him, he promises you the ride of your life, and he calls his love machine Corbets… When you get down to business, you find out that all his terrain is skied out, the only thing slightly attractive about him is his backcountry, and his mighty “Corbets” he bragged so much about is actually a choad: wider than it was long.”
“Summit at Snoqualmie is that guy who you like ‘cause he’s nice and kinda fun until you realize you’re stuck in a rut and everything he does makes you mad. And only going away to other mountains makes you realize that he’s not horrible. But girl, let’s be honest it’s 2018, don’t settle.”
“Breckenridge is that rich guy you meet through friends of friends. He’s good looking but super arrogant, has no idea what the real world is like, and yet you find yourself pulled into his bs anyway. So you spend a shit-ton of money to spend the day with him, only to be disappointed by the amount of time it takes to reach your climax on any of his hills.”
“Wachusett is your typically townie—he’s nothing exciting but he’s always nearby and at least you don’t have to drive too far to Netflix & Chill™. After you convince yourself that you’re not “settling,” and that he might not be as bad as he was last time, he spends the whole night talking to his boys and you’re stuck standing in line by yourself rolling your eyes. Eventually you just give up and head for a beer by yourself; he doesn’t even notice you left.”
“Aspen, his personality is in his name. Swipe left.”
“Mt. Brighton is that dude that talks a big game, he’s been out west once and all he does is ride park. He buys all-Burton set up to hide the fact he’s white trash, but the moment you get him on a double black, he heelside-heroes all the way down and blames it on his equipment.”
“Mount Snow always brags about how many inches they’re packing, but by the time you show up to the party, everything’s gone soft!”
“Alpine valley is that sweet guy you flirted with all the time in high school. You’re always reminiscing of ‘better times,’ so you hit him up every time you come home. It’s good for what it is, but you’re glad you left and especially glad you don’t come home much”
“Kirkwood is that first date that was not in his best emotional state. You can see his true potential on a good pow day, and you keep him around for that.”
“Revelstoke is that super tall, dark, and handsome guy you had no idea you were missing until you found him. Rough and rugged, doesn’t have many friends, and does NOT manscape. If you’re looking for the easy way down, you are on your own, sweetheart.”
“Smuggs is like that bad boy your mama warned you about. He’ll give you some of the best sex you’ve ever had, but be prepared because it’s always hard, fast, and a little scary. He’ll push you past your comfort zone, but you’ll walk away with a big, satisfied smile on your face every time.”
“Sun Valley prides himself on his impeccable grooming. Typically he’s only interested in hard and fast, but his 3 inches rides better than most’s 8.”