Snowboarding has spent years trying to be cool in the eyes of well, anyone. Skateboarding said, ‘pfft, you jerks look cold and just wasted a bunch of money.’ Surfing was a little more chill, it was like ‘yeah man, whatever, just stay off our waves.’ Wakeboarding thought snowboarding was neat, but was all, “how you flip without a rope to hold on to?” and decided it’d rather just do circles around the lake in a $100,000 boat surrounded by tan girls in bikinis. Skiing gave snowboarding the best chance at being cool. It said, ‘yeah, that does look pretty cool, we’re gonna copy your tech and rape you for all the dollars we can, and we’re gonna win because we can go faster.’
Meanwhile in Colorado, Ryan Knapton said, ‘this snowboarding shit is fun. But… how can I make it funner?’ (He knew full well that funner is not a word, but when you don’t care about the rules set by a bunch of angry dudes in the late 80s, you don’t care about grammar, neither.) So he looked at the flat-ass cat tracks of Summit County and noted how skiers never got stuck on them and had a brilliant idea! POLES!
And bing bang boom, he’s now the fastest snowboarder at Breck, and he’s laughing all the way to the bottom.
Oh, you mad?
Bummer, bro! Cause Ryan Knapton’s not. “The way I see it, there are two kinds of snowboarders,” he said. “Snowboarders who use poles, and snowboarders who don’t.”