A-Man’s Actual Review: The Cloudious9 Hydrology9 VAPE BONG

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Weed smokers have never been content to just smoke their weed. This is because smoking weed isn’t all that exciting. In order to pump up the hobby, stoners get into gadgets. Whether it’s a ProtoPipe, a triple chambered organic linoleum bubble bong, or Kevlar scrotal microdose patches, adding an element of exclusivity to your THC delivery method obscures the fact that you’re just, well, smoking weed, bro.

Leave it to 2017, the craziest year ever, to bring us the Cloudious9 Hydrology9 Liquid Filtration Vaporizer. Hydrology9 Cloudious9? 9. VapeBong. 9000. Whatever.

It’s a “dry flower vaporizer with water filtration.” In theory, this could be an ultra-clean way to smoke your weed.

The packaging is tech-bro perfect. A fancy felt-lined box lets you know you’re on some next level shit, for advanced humans only. Definitely got a boutique exclusive Tesla vibe. Included in the box is the unit itself, an AC adapter and charging cables, and a tool kit that looks like it came from a dentist’s office.

The Cloudious9 Hydrology9 Liquid Filtration Vaporizer looks like a light saber. Because of course it does. It must. Right? Yes.

This is a $250 Sharper Image LifeHacker Future Keto Spillproof Pepper Grindr for the Internet VapeLordz, it has to be a bit too much. Perfect!

So yeah, how do you smoke weed out of it?

vape shoe horn

You grind up your weed and shove it in this thing’s butthole, using the provided shoehorn. A metal buttplug acts as a stir-stick while you smoke (sorry, when you commence the “inhalation session”):

vape butt plug

Remove the “borosilicate mouthpiece” and pour in some water. It doesn’t take much:

fill er up

Screw the mouthpiece back on. Hit the button a bunch of times.

The sequence will be easy to remember because if you bought this thing there’s a high probability you’re a gamer. I haven’t played video games since Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out, but I’ll never forget the code to warp straight to Iron Mike (it’s 007 373 5963). Internet people will get it. To turn on Cloudious9 Hydrology9, it’s three quick presses of the button. Then you have 60 seconds to determine which of the five heating modes you desire. I don’t know why you’d desire anything less than Level 5, but there are four weaker modes available for dipshits. I choose Level 5, because I’m trying to smoke this weed, motherfucker.

red means no

LED lights will let you know when it’s time to smoke. Your new vape bong life is controlled by LED lights, get used to it. You are a FutureStoner. Red means wait.

green means go!

It takes a minute or so to heat up. Green means go, thankfully.

I’ve been smoking intermediate dad weed out of this thing for a couple weeks, and as much as it pains me to say it: this thing pretty much rules. There’s a slight learning curve, but it delivers the cleanest weed hits I’ve ever had—something those ultra portable vape pens can’t claim, let alone a pipe or a bong. I haven’t coughed from a hit yet. That’s saying something.

There’s a slick magnetic cover for the mouthpiece (did I mention it’s borosilicate?). It’s satisfying to remove it, you gotta pull a bit against the magnet. That’s fun. I’ve found spinning the buttplug as I inhale to be a bit distracting, but it does seem to help achieve a stronger pull.

That’s it. Hit the button a few more times and the thing turns off.

Overall, this thing is pretty rad!

I give it 7 out of 10 fedoras.

I can’t believe it, it should totally suck. But it doesn’t. It’s pretty expensive, but so are glass bongs. It’s super clean and very efficient. I do question its true portability when compared to a sneaky vape pen that can be hidden in a sock, but it has many advantages over smoking with a flame. Damn. This tryhard internet lightsaber vape bong is actually legit, especially in this new age of shamelessness. I’m a dork with nothing to lose, so yeah it passes the test: I think I’d actually seriously consider buying one of these. It can’t handle the capacity to fuel an entire party, but it’s gotta be the smoothest and cleanest way to smoke weed on your couch. By yourself. With the blinds drawn so nobody sees the goofy LED lights.I dig it, and I’m gonna keep it. Thanks, Yobeat!

Appendix A: can you take a vape bong boarding?

I took the Cloudious9 Hydrology9 Liquid Filtration Vaporizer splitboarding. I loaded it with weed, filled the water chamber, and shoved it in my backpack for a stroll in the snow. It worked, but I’ll probably be leaving it at home in the future. Or maybe the car. I’ll leave it in the car.

And yes, we got some pow turns that day!

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Leather Case