ED: The following was written by an aspriring Yobeat intern! Love it? Hate it? Let him know in the comments below before our web nerd gets around to making the Facebook login thing official. Please note: Yobeat’s editor reserves the right to alter and delete all comments she finds annoying or stupid. (THIS IS NOT A CHALLENGE.)
It’s the perfect time to get into the porn industry!
But before you dive in, no need to invest in a bang-bus or even a sticky-leather-casting couch. Word’s out that Pornhub is calling for “XXXtreme athletes” — as if it’s the new BMXXX (you know, the video game that helped 12 year olds get off without mucking up the family PC.) You heard it here last, folks! In a bizarre twist of fate, the masturbation megachurch is looking to “diversify its portfolio” by scouring the globe for action sports types just bored and horny enough to apply for sponsorship.
A few things they’re dishing out:
A Pornhub uniform.
You’ll look good in black and orange – there’s no better way to show that you wax your rail on and off the mountain than to sport the site’s colors. But the perks don’t stop there!
On social media,Pornhub will be posting your clips between its attempts to get you to jerk off more. No idea what the fuck this means for the value of hard-earned clips, but if you’ve got the most bizarre sponsorship around, just shut up and ride it out!
Any dough? Probably not. But will you get a sex toy molded to your junk’s every vein and valley!? Hopefully!
Definitely NOT photoshopped.
Think you’re up for the job?
First ask yourself “do I run the risk of wrecking my shit on a ramp, rail, mountain or any other type of shred-worthy terrain?” If you sort of answered maybe, then tuck that boner up, close those tabs and apply “your team“ for a spot. Wait, team? What the fuck are they talking about? I mean, everyone in board world knows they’re called crews, gangs, squads, packs or other slightly-more-clever, culturally-appropriated references. In Pornhub’s official press release the marketing geniuses behind this idea ACTUALLY call for “regulation sized teams able to enter as a whole,” while using motherfucking scuba diving as an example.
Actual press release screen grab
Since the only real “scuba team” is the one that looks for dead bodies at the bottom of Lake Michigan, I doubt they’ll apply. Sorry, wank-wizards of Pornhub, but we’re all just dudes and girls who will be applying as a novelty in the same way that you’ll suggest dropping a 10-foot, dick-shaped jib rail at our local spots for “brand exxxposure.”
Sexy snowboard porn via Google.
So don’t sleep on this opportunity!
Best case scenario: they’ll Red Bull-the-fuck-out-of it and do something XXXtreme… Oh! And pro-model sex toys. That shit would be worth a least six-figures worth of crying face emojis. Whether you love it or hate it – only time will tell if this will turn into another random brand thrusting their way into the eXXXtreme world. And at least Pornhub will use lube.
Now hit that apply button below and get weird.
ED: The previous was written by an aspriring Yobeat intern! Love it? Hate it? Let him know in the comments below before our web nerd gets around to making the Facebook login thing official. Please note: Yobeat’s editor reserves the right to alter and delete all comments she finds moronic or dreadfully cliche. (THIS IS NOT A CHALLENGE)