Vail Resorts Launches Lift-Line Beer Delivery to Quell Complaints of Long Wait Times at Breck


The following is a work of satire. Please read at your own risk of misinterpretation.

The queue for Breck’s Independence chair. Photo: Disbanded

For the winter of 2018, Vail Resorts announced it will be beta testing a new in-line beer delivery service at Breckenridge: #LineBeers. In partnership with the food delivery app GrubHub and Pabst Blue Ribbon, thirsty guests may request a beer while in the queue of any lift line and have the beer delivered before reaching the midpoint of the line.

Breck COO Joe Bueller is well aware that the wait times for the Colorado Super Chair and Rocky Mountain Super Chair can be frustrating during peak times. But he is is confident that this will make long wait times more enjoyable. “For the majority of our guests, weekends and holidays are the only time they get to enjoy our world class terrain. Conventional wisdom states that even at 10,000 feet PBR cannot get you drunk. Therefore we are confident that our high speed quads and world-class terrain will keep people safely buzzed until they return to the beer pick up location!”

Vail Resorts is excited it to help bolster the local community and create a more robust gig economy within Summit County. According to our sources, Breck will be staffing a group of lift-adjacent can-collection experts, in addition to adding thousands of additional orders for GrubHub’s delivery specialists in order to provide this new beer delivery option to its valued customers.

While Vail Resorts expects this will alleviate over-crowding frustration, some seasonal-locals are skeptical. “So you’re saying I can have a $15 PBR delivered to me in the lift line? No thanks,” grumbled Matt Merriweather. Local stoner Dan Burner was able to put down his bong full of legal weed long enough to say, “I doubt locals will use it much.  We take those chairs to get up high and we stay high till the end of the day.”

Passed out drunk on the snow

Debbie and crew after half a day of riding. Photo: Mike N.

However, the chance to use an app to maintain their buzz seems to be striking a positive note with the bulk of Breck’s clientelle.

“Does this mean I don’t have to get out of line to to order beer once I run out of vodka?!” Debbie, a seasoned vacationer from Dallas, Texas wondered.

Once all the metrics on guest satisfaction are in, the ski patrol’s safety reports are measured, and profit margins are assessed, Vail Resorts hopes to roll out a similar service at Vail Ski Resort, Beaver Creek, Keystone, Heavenly Mountain, Kirkwood Mountain, Northstar California, Park City Mountain Resort, Stowe, Afton Alps, Mount Brighton, Wilmot Mountain, Perisher Ski Resort and Whistler Blackcomb in the next 200 years.

7 replies

    COLORADO fucking rules … on …..SMOKE POT / DRINK IN LINE …..Snowbasin [UTAH] = no smoking cigs on resort property ….even parking lot ….FUCK SNOWBASIN ….FUCK UTAH

  2. BENNY
    BENNY says:

    POWMOW UTAH …BEER POT ACID COKE all in line …. and new summer bike park ! check it on GOOGLE EARTH !

  3. FML BRO
    FML BRO says:

    PARK LANE BEST JUMPS EVER I’m done said the bull pickup up BRUDDAH HAOLE POI SIDE BRUDDAH #pickupskating #throwyourscooterinthetrash #gahbage

  4. Kelly slater wave co
    Kelly slater wave co says:


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