With so many snowboard brands, last year’s complete lack of snow, and this economy, sometimes you have to wonder — how are they all still in business? We sent undercover spies deep into snowboarding’s seedy underbelly to discover the truth (read: made this all up). As we suspected, many snowboarding brands are not so innocent as they seem. In fact, many are simply money laundering operations to cover up you guessed it: drugs!
Smokin’ Snowboards ironically is a front for Adderal, which they pedal to all the college kids that visit Lake Tahoe. Because those stimulants are a federal offense, they decided to mask their shady affairs with the classic “look bra, we’re stoners,” which the government could care less about these days.
Bataleon is the the actual weed ring, growing copious amounts of the chronic and hiding it in the little gap each stacked board leaves because of their obnoxious u-shaped nature.
Levitation Project, having produced and given away more product (without selling any in return) than any other company in the history of commerce could only afford to do so because of the massive coke distribution it ran out of the back of their massive LP truck. This ring was eventually shut down though, when Bode Merrill decided to invest 2.4 million dollars into the company so he could have as many pro model socks, long johns and face masks as he wanted, in any style he wanted, in any color he wanted, whenever he wanted.
Snowboard Mag makes Krokidil, but is struggling to keep their front afloat because who the hell wants to a drug that makes your skin fall off your bones? In fact, the only reason they’re still kicking is that partner mag Freeskier’s Kratom operation is flourishing.
Poler‘s camp vibes actually come from their illicit Moonshine operation. Why do you think they spend so much time in the woods?
Located in the port city of Seattle, Capita in the leading middleman in all bath salt related trading causing people to “devour everything” as they slip into zombie paralysis.
Holden, and their trademark “H” stand for one thing: heroin. This cold hard fact should be obvious when considering the zoned out, laid back, sleepy appearance the brand is so well known for. Also, you may have wondered why their gear is so expensive, and the answer is simple, heroin isn’t cheap, and neither is their front.
The Helgasson’s shoelace company 7-9-13 may be the most high-tech front of any snow industry disguises. Hailing from Iceland, and well-versed in the world of all night raves and excess culture each lace is saturated in pure MDMA. Once imported from their secret drug making chemical lab in the heart of Denmark’s biggest disco, they dump the load into a vat, extract the medicinal goodness and sell the stupid strings to idiot kids far and wide.