Jesus Shreds

A lot of girls and guys in the extreme sport industry are way into Jesus. Let’s say “extremely” into Jesus. And that’s cool. Because he helps them win contests. Jesus gives them sponsorship stickers which they put on their boards and then when they win a contest or aren’t stricken down they thank him. They say: “I’d like to thank my family, my sponsors, and Jesus.” Which they should.

But it’s obvious to me that Jesus doesn’t love everybody the same. He can’t. If he did, contests would be boring. If Jesus loved everybody equally he wouldn’t let one sheep in the flock become more talented at snowboarding than another. If he loved all children alike there would be a forty-way tie for 1st place at every event.



So that begs the question: who does Jesus love more? Mega-ripper Shaun White? Ultra talented Travis Rice? That pagan Terje Haakonsen? Maybe we should approach the question in terms of head-to-head competition. For instance, in professional snowboarding Luke Wynen and Tommy Czeschin love Jesus. But, how come Tommy wins more contests than Luke? Where was Jesus when the chips were down for Luke Wynen? Is Luke maybe a little more talk and little less action when it comes to loving Christ? Does Jesus like Tommy more because he hates gay people more?


That’s a deep philosophical question that maybe we’ll never understand. The Lord works in mysterious ways and, like Terje, he keeps a low media profile. He’s happiest riding by himself in the backcountry or ice fishing in Finland. I think he secretly hates being dragged into every televised sports production. I mean the dude still doesn’t have a boot sponsor. He doesn’t care. He just sports sandals. Jesus doesn’t give a fuck. He doesn’t have to film and he doesn’t even have to compete. He knows he’s the best. He owns a company way bigger than Grenade Gloves and he’s got the pope to run it for him. Jesus is seriously hooked up.

But I don’t mean to get sacrilegious here. I have to give Jesus props for mad skills on a board. He can do back-to-back 1080s without thinking about them, he rules on rails, and he’s got more first descents than anybody. You think Travis Rice is pretty good? Well, Jesus was doing 1080s over 120 ft. gaps way back in the early 90s when Travis was still an acne riddled altar boy giving head to the local Priest. In fact, I met a Jesuit who swears he read in the Black Sea Scrolls where Jesus did a 30 ft. 1440 grabbed the whole around before the fall of the Roman Empire. The point is the J-dog secretly enjoys being the best boarder in the world and he’s not about to bless anybody to be better than him.


So let’s not waste our breath dropping shout outs to Jesus Christ. Homeboy ain’t listening. Instead let’s focus on emulating his tweaked out Nazarene style, and his purist approach to the sport. The next time you ask yourself What Would Jesus Do?” really think about the answer. It could be simpler than you think. I think Jesus would do a lot of butter tricks and sweet backside methods. That’s what Jesus would do.

14 replies
  1. Ben Birk
    Ben Birk says:

    Holly Shit,

    I lost it when I read the “still an acne riddled altar boy giving head to the local Priest” and “I met a Jesuit who swears he read in the Black Sea Scrolls where Jesus did a 30 ft. 1440 grabbed the whole around before the fall of the Roman Empire.”

    Great fucking Article. Dose this mean Shawn Palmer is really a Jesus Freak? I mean the dude still kicks peoples asses left and right.

  2. zach
    zach says:

    so, you’re saying it’s lame when pros thank jesus when they win. i get it.

    but don’t you think that crapping on someone’s deeply held faith with lots of cutting and very original one-liners is kind of mean?

    sure luke wynen and tommy che-whatever are lame and old and unsponsored and stuff. but i bet they are nice. kelly clark is nice, too, and she can go larger than you.

    but of course, you are smarter than all of us, so i’ll stop.

  3. Mark
    Mark says:

    I know this article is all in fun, but what a shame to say any of this.

    Oh man Tommy and Luke are great guys. This saddens me. “Tommy hates Gay people more” – so tasteless.

    I grew up a pastors kid snowboarding every Sunday instead of going to church. I still have my issues with church and the whole “Jesus” thing and I still don’t really go. So know I get what you are saying about claiming Jesus… however this is a cheap shot at some of the nicest guys ever.

    I will tell you when I lived in Mammoth back in 2000 I did not go to church, but I did go to the Lighthouse (their church) for free dinner on Wednesday nights where Tommy, Luke, and Chris Nelson (I think) served me pasta because I was a struggling snowboarder tuning with no money. How cool is that? That meant a ton… I watched flicks on a big screen, and had some killer food for free, and went both years I lived there.

    Tommy taught me how to do a crippler one day on the slushy spring pipe and I learned it right then… and I was a nobody yet he gave me the time. That day is one of my best memories of living there – many pros are too cool for that these days concerned about image and more concerned about what companies they ride for. That same day I even watched him teach a little 11 or 12 year old (Eric Jackson) an ally oop McTwist and in the same day Ally oop Mctwist seven. Talk about contribution!

    Though neither may be the best riders anymore (not even close) un sponsored washed up, “Jesus claimer” or whatever you want to call them, remember they both have had more a contribution to snowboarding than you will probably ever have.

    Sadly your contribution is tearing down something you don’t understand. That is that sponsors really don’t matter in the whole scheme of snowboarding… or life for that mater. Unfortunately snowboarders are a dime a dozen – one year you are loved the next passed on for the next 16 year old dropped like you meant nothing. Kind hearted REAL people are a rarity. I am sure when some sixteen year old comes along that can type faster, and explain things with greater depth and can smoke you in a spelling B you may too lose your yobeat sponsorship – that sweet computer you get every year – being invited to SIA (oh the perks that really define your life quickly torn from your fingers). Maybe in a time of crisis, you will turn to Christ too and realize the shallowness of it all. in the mean time keep taking cheap shots and degrading some great people.

    Tommy and Luke they know that none of this really matters. Love for the sport, and passion in life and beliefs and being righteous is really what matters and really what should matter. To some snowboarders belief in Jesus defines them and will continue to despite crap like this.

    This is just a cheap shot from someone who clearly has no respect for those great guys. Nor has respect for Travis unquestionably one of the sports biggest contributors and another friend. That said, showing how much disrespect you have for riders on either end of the spectrum; I give this a big class lacking thumbs down.

    I am sure Tommy Luke will keep doing what they are doing. Thanks for the pasta guys!

    • Carl
      Carl says:

      Nice story bro. Any gay person not going to heaven will need to rethink some basic values after reading this. Plenty religious people are nice, but most religions also exclude and condemn a lot of people unjustly. Keep digging Jesus, but it would be more considerate if people just kept it a bit more to themselves. Especially if they disagree with some of their chosen religion’s views on humanity. No one needs to know.

  4. Huckleberry Hart
    Huckleberry Hart says:

    Oh my god. I just reread this thing, and I am now going to get it tattooed to my chest. Kevin–kudos my man, kudos for days. Mark’s article is good too. But I think Kevin’s is funnier.

  5. Sam
    Sam says:

    I’m really with Mark (Above.) on this one. The time I’ve spent at Mammoth (very short) and the times I have met Kelly and the boys at Lighthouse church they all gave of a super “I’ve time for you” vibe and let it show. They have HUGE talent all of them. And someone who honors someone else (God/Jesus) for their victories on a public stage is a brave person with critics like you (author) around.
    Also, what Dad have you ever! met who would hold back one of his kids who was showing much promise at something, eg. snowboarding, just because his little or big brother wasn’t progressing as fast or as far as him..?
    It’s just not the way it works.. we have choice, we have talents, all for us to use, uncontrolled by God. It’s his pleasure to see how we use what he has given us.

    • sman
      sman says:

      You had me until you said “It’s his pleasure to see how we use what he has given us”. It is one thing to appreciate people not vibing people and helping less fortunate in a food line.. that shit is golden. When you layer on some sort of genie in a bottle shit about a man (He), that I should be thankful to for “giving me” something.. that is when I start laughing, hard.

  6. ahhhhhhhhhmen
    ahhhhhhhhhmen says:

    JESUS loves all snowboarders …..a fucking hell of allot more than fucked up skiers ….a-men

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