A Bunch of Reasons You Should Definitely Not Move to Portland, Oregon

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Summer in Portland can be deceiving. It’s sunny every day, there are insane skateparks a plenty and if you want to snowboard, it’s totally a possibility. Life is easy. Everyone is nice, the scenery is beautiful, and holy shit is there a lot of stuff to do. It’s perfect enough that you might be tempted to move here- especially if you’re from somewhere shitty. But don’t be fooled. Portland is really a horrible place to live, and even more so if you’re a snowboarder. Here are just a few of the reasons you definitely should not consider moving here full time, if at all.

whatisyourporpoise

Terrible puns are a part of daily life. 

1. It rains all the fucking time. Have you ever been in a place where everyone suffers from seasonal affective disorder? It ain’t fun and from November to March, get used to it.

burnside

You will be horrible at skating Burnside. 

2. The mountain is far away. I mean, far is a relative term, but driving an hour and 15 minutes both ways (sometimes 4 hours if the snow level is low and it’s a weekend) is a serious commitment and really kills your whole day. Plus, on powder days you have to get up at like, 6 am. Gross.

hineigbor

Passive aggressive assholes are everywhere. 

3. Mt. Hood is flat. There’s a ton of traversing most of the good stuff is super short with really long in and outruns. It really requires calf strength and is super annoying.

sassys

You’ll be too busy looking at strippers to get anything done. 

4. Drivers suck. For a city where no one is willing to make the first move at a four-way stop and the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, the rate of wrecks is out of control. If you ride a bike regularly, you will get hit from time to time, and if you’re trying to navigate the streets using your cell phone, you’re only adding to the problem.

weed

You’ll be forced to watch the X Games while you’re buying weed. 

5. The snow is heavy. This year it never even really got cold enough to snow. I mean, that’s not normal, but it could be the NEW NORMAL. Either way, you only get a few light powder days a year. What the shit is that?

IMG_3574

You can’t even get gluten in your lap dances!

6. Everyone will hate you. Even though pretty much everyone in Portland is a transplant, nothing gets more eye rolls than when you say you “just moved here from California.” Sure, there’s irony in the self-loathing, but once you’ve been here more than a year, you’ll understand and begin to hate yourself too.

scooters

The parks are filled with scooters!

7. It’s not a snowboard city. There’s too much to do here to really wanna dedicate the amount of time and effort it takes to drive to the mountain. Snowboarding is a full day, where as even if you’re old and lazy like me, there are fun mellow parks you can skate and pretend you’re “exercising,” and still have time to day drink.

swimming

The swimming holes are way too crowded. 

8. It’s not that cheap anymore. The five-year-old dream of moving to Portland, splitting a house with eight of your closest friends from Craigslist so you can pay $200 each a month for rent is dead. Even though rent has gone up dramatically, wages and potential for gainful employment haven’t. Also, while most bars still have beers for $2, a lot don’t!

sqirrel

Even the squirrels in Portland are lazy. 

And that’s really just scratching the surface. If you’re looking for a new place to live the shred dream, we hear Denver is the spot. Whatever you do, don’t move to Portland.

Screen Shot 2015-07-31 at 10.29.17 AM

You’ll be part of the problem. 

http://www.dontmovetoportlandoregon.com/

  • Poops McGee

    I know, fuck people who want to grow in life and move to new places. It’s like, who the hell are they for moving somewhere were they can have a better quality of life than the place they previously lived. #SegregationIsCool

  • YobeatIzGhey

    “And that’s really just scratching the surface. If you’re looking for a new place to live the shred dream, we hear Denver is the spot. Whatever you do, don’t move to Portland.”

    Fuck you, everyone is already moving here to smoke dank budz, send them to tahoe or some shit.

    • .

      hahahaha “dank budz”

      Fucking Front Rangers…..

      • seriously

        They must not have sarcasm up there at higher elevations…

  • Whatcoast?

    Isnt that place supposed to sink into the ocean anyways?

  • Poopsticks

    Stay the fuck out of portland, transplants

  • asdfjkl;

    don’t move to denver, it’s more expensive and not as white.

  • Dos Cadenas

    If cities were people, Portland would be the super annoying, ultra liberal vegan who hangs out at coffee shops and art museums.

    Denver would be a cool snowboard city if there wasn’t 2 and a half hours of traffic to get to the nearest resort. Shame, because Denver has even better skateparks than Portland.

    • Rara

      that is exactly what Portland is. And brook just proved the point more with the “don’t come here it sucks. har har” hipster douchy joke.

      Also, Denver does suck.

  • HonestlyFuckAllThatRain

    Number 7 seems like a good thing to me. I don’t need to hang out with snowboarders just since I happen to be one. Its actually refreshing meeting people who have no clue. Portland is cool to visit and damn the food is amazing. Their food trucks alone kill most other cities’ restaurant food…

  • Justin’s bong

    It’s like the “why not to live in Burlington” post but not as funny

  • Denver

    Don’t put that evil on me

  • TROOF

    “STILL HAVE TIME TO DAY DRINK” IS A YOBEAT T-SHIRT IN MY MIND.

  • Alex

    This article doesn’t work, because you didn’t commit to either the sarcastic “don’t come here because we don’t want more assholes here” or the serious “here are some downsides to this mostly-great place”.

  • Stop

    Recent articles have made me want to stop coming to this sight. Seems like your trying to hard. Just chill out and go back to making fun of snowboarding and people in general. Thank you I really want to enjoy this site, but it’s starting to get “hard”, like when Louie Vito does a selfie with Stevie Bell.

  • Snow Valley

    Dont most snowboarders move to San Diego so they can say they surf now?

  • Deborah Engle

    Just more reasons why I HATE living in this fucked-up state (and no, I can’t afford to fucking move, or I’d be outa here!) The unfriendly people with NO driving skills, the pathetic Live Music Scene, the funky weather, and the ridiculously expensive housing and lack of jobs SUCK!!!

    • James

      I feel you. I feel the same way. Once I finish school here and have gained some long term employment, I’m going to move. Portland is a shit show and I want to live around. Oregon diversity. Portland isn’t and never will be my scene. I’m done with this shady self-entitled narcissistic city full of uneducated pot smoking fifty nasty people. It’s not cheap to live here and the crime is rivaling bigger cities, especially outside of the downtown core.

      • jayson

        so where do you think there is a better place to live? cause i can tell you some city you have some crappy education… it aint the city it’s you.. no matter what city you move to its all the same. life is what you make it. its either going to be good or suck..

    • jayson

      it cant be that bad Deborah.. you still here rite?? lol

  • James

    I meant to say in want to live around more diversity. I was typing this from my phone and it likes to do auto correct.

  • jayson

    it’s crazy how ppl always talking bad about Portland..especially about how much it rains out here. not even knowing that places like Dallas Atlanta New York and Chicago and Miami rains more out there then it does up here.. y’all just look at it cause it rains all at ones so it a bad and sad place to live. actually Portland was rank the best city to move to in 2014. so it cant be all that bad right? and the ppl out here is as nice as they wanna be. i never had a problem talking to anyone since i move out here in 2005… and another thing is. if you have a problem with Portland Oregon. what made you decide to come to Portland Oregon in the first place? you must didn’t do your research before you decided to come up here. so at the end. who is the dumb ass? where’re you from anyway? let me know so i can clown yo city…

    • uh

      lots of homeless people in Portland, guess they couldn’t find a job and that’s why the crime rate is so high there

    • Chad

      It’s not about total inches of rain. It’s the fact that we have more gray, cloudy days and more days of rain than about anywhere else on earth. Those cities you mentioned all have close to 250 or more days of sunshine and clear days a year. We have 68. Other places rain when it’s supposed to. Spring and summer thunderstorms where the heavy rains come and you can get 3 inches in two hours. Not a constant drizzle where you get 3 inches in 3 weeks. Lol. Big difference. Highest suicide and depression rates in the country and its not by accident. It’s the 9 months straight of grey, dark, rainy skies. Fucking blows

  • YOMAMA

    such a good read, good job maign

  • Suzy Q

    Portland Oregon, is a city, with serious homeless problem . Traffic is congested, It is so bad I found myself inching to my destination, during the week and weekends I could not believe it so reminded me of Los Angeles traffic when I worked on a project there I could not believe that traffic. I stayed in downtown, in the Pearl. This place had the worst air quality. It was so bad I could not even open the windows even at midnight I could smell the carbon monoxide it was disgusting. I could not wait to get the hell out of the downtown because the air quality was so bad. Weekly as I walked out of the condo I would see broken glass on the ground , it was just another car hit by a thug. It was pretty bad. The HOA’s in my building were over 400. month so you would think your living in some premium place but there was a big , I mean big homeless camp a half block away it smelled so bad. It was so unbelievable it was like living in the gutter, I was panhandled daily. Bikes were stolen out of the lot, and they beefed up security. I’m glad I was there for only a few months on a project. Sure it is green,
    and great for hiking, and biking, but it rains, I mean rains pours down and is windy I liked the rain and the wind, but wow it can really get to you during day light saving time. Down where I lived lots of young kids, that are partying it up in the Pearl as they stagger back to there subsidized housing. As soon as I leave here , I will be starting chelation for the Japan’s radiation that is high in the area, according to my ND that would be good idea! I wonder how many places on the west coast have these high levels I know it is all over the country . But as everyone knows radiation causes gene mutation . I like Portland but, like any big city it has it problems and one is homelessness that is rampant. Most of the real Portlanders that have lived there for twenty years or more, they talk about the good old days, and how wonderfully clean, quiet, and perfect the city was, with maybe a handful of bums, nothing like it is today.

  • Chris

    I have lived all over this nation and I hate, hate, hate Portland. Land of the cheap, money hungry, rip you of in a NY minute, passive agressive, ultra super cool to cool, shit heads this city is filled with. I rather go back to Miami, because at least the people there realize they are fake. Portland is just a city that deserves a not her economic melt down that is on the horizon!

  • Chris

    Oh ps the there is no actual culture, the food sucks for the most part and the homeless camps all over the place… way to class it up Portland!

  • The comedian

    So therefore should I even leave California to live in Portland? I’ll be moving my tiny house to go live in one of those tiny communities.

  • violet

    the real estate is off the fucking marker for the ugliest houses I’ve seen on the planet!!!! WHAT!!!!! the rich fucking SUCK are they pretending we can’t see that??? fuck you!!!!! The whole USA SUCKS SHIT nothing is affordable – let us lick your boots.

  • Hey

    We get it, you can’t snowboard here. I narrowed your list down for you.

  • Dave

    I get the middle finger weekly, due to my Cali plates. They instantly hate me without even knowing me as a person. Yeah sure I live in California for 20 yrs, but guess what I grew up in Washington state, so I’m very well adept at the pnw attitude. There’s a real lack of back bone here, people are passive aggressive and the driving sux a fat d!ck here they don’t know how to drive super annoying!

  • Dave

    I get the middle finger weekly, due to my Cali plates. They instantly hate me without even knowing me as a person. Yeah sure I live in California for 20 yrs, but guess what I grew up in Washington state, so I’m very well adept at the pnw attitude. There’s a real lack of back bone here, people are passive aggressive and the driving sux a fat d!ck here they don’t know how to drive super annoying! The girls are fat af (hence the nickname Porkland) and snarky and totally over the top feminazi’s who think men are the problem for their issues! Yeah I’ll buy property here I’ll rent them out I’ll make my $$ here. But gimme my SoCal life with my tanned SoCal women and my 350+days of sunshine a year! I’ll serve my time here but I won’t live here permanently!