Vail Resorts Introduces EpicMix Time


EpicMix Time says: 69 minutes from this point!

Vail Resorts is excited to announce its new system, EpicMix Time, which is designed to help you “navigate the mountain” and “spend more time on the slopes,” by giving you real time lift-line wait time updates via the EpicMix app. That’s right, now you’ll actually have an answer to the ever-pressing question, “How the fuck long am I gonna be standing in this fucking line?”

If you’re not familiar with the Vail Resorts experience, it’s a bit like being a head of cattle in a feedlot: You’re funneled through gates nuts to butts with thousands of other assholes all wondering the same thing, “Where does this line end? Am I going to die here?” Well now thanks to EpicMix Time, you’ll be able to see in real time just how much of your day is being wasted in line at a Vail Resort.

Kirsten Lynch, executive vice president and chief marketing officer of Vail Resorts explains:

“EpicMix Time delivers time transparency to our guests, showing them lift line wait times across the mountain, providing them with information to choose where to ski and ride, and giving them more time on the slopes. This is just another innovation from our team that introduces more digital technology to the mountain in a way that does not interfere with the guest experience or the incredible beauty of our mountain resorts.”


What this means for you: You’ll quickly come to realize that much like using heroin, riding at a Vail Resort for a day is a bit like ‘chasing the dragon.’ You and every other dick bag on the hill with this app will see that there’s no wait over on peaks 9 and 10 and soon, there will be. But that’s ok, cause now there’s no wait on Peak 7, so you’ll spend an hour getting back over there only to realize that now everyone else is there waiting in line with you too. But a least you’ll have paid $15 for a shitty cheeseburger that is now rumbling in your gut while you stand in line hoping to god your sphincter will hold out for another 55 minutes in this god-forsaken line. I thought these things were high speed chairs?

Perhaps the best part about EpicMix Time is we at least now have an explanation for Vail Resorts daily ticket rates. “Developing worthless smartphone applications is expensive,” said one high ranking Vail Resorts official. “If we didn’t charge what we do, there’s no way amazing pieces of technological shit like EpicMix Time could exist.”



7 replies
  1. peterfeltersnatch
    peterfeltersnatch says:

    Hey Paul, If you actually knew where you were going at Vail Resorts you would know where there are no lift lines. You would have more time to feel snatches instead of sitting around writing boner articles about how you think Colorado sucks. Another hurting Colorado article. Your articles are becoming spam, get back to fame and thug lyfe with Louie Vito.

    • ialreadyfeltersnatch
      ialreadyfeltersnatch says:

      I think you’re missing the point. Now with this app everyone will “know their way around Vail” and the other crappy vail resorts. I’m betting you’ll find your favorite lifts a lot more crowded next season. Have fun with that. In the meantime I’ll be supporting true Colorado spots like Wolf Creek, Monarch, Aspen, CB, etc. #vailsucks

      • peterfltersnatch
        peterfltersnatch says:

        Well the one photo of the blue sky chair has no one ridding it and obviously its at the end of the day when everyone is going home because the back side is closed. Along with the other photos may be for first chair so they tend to line up. Seem like you may only come up for the Dew Tour to listen to Chanelle MC, as see by the photo of peak 8. No one will be ridding where I go Paul. Haha yea Monarch is great, the cat “skiing” has the only good terrain and it costs quite a bit of money along with I’m pretty sure you don’t live in Salida. Along with Wolf Creek is only good till end of December after that it flattens out and then you might as well just ride Vail, id rather wait in any lift line than drive to the middle of nowhere. I would also imagine you don’t live in Pegosa or South Fork. Crested Butter is great, ya got me there. How often to you visit CB Paul? I didn’t miss the point of your article, all your hating on Colorado articles is not valid anymore. These photos were taken on weekends on the busiest days of the season. Which means you don’t snowboard here and have no idea what is going on. I am one beer deep and yes it was a Coors Light and I dislike Never Summer Snowboards.

        • pete
          pete says:

          Well actually bluesy chair is open, regardless. Its not like this when I ride here only on Xmas break. So actually thank you for writing this article because it keeps people like you off the ski slopes.

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