Vail Resorts is excited to announce its new system, EpicMix Time, which is designed to help you “navigate the mountain” and “spend more time on the slopes,” by giving you real time lift-line wait time updates via the EpicMix app. That’s right, now you’ll actually have an answer to the ever-pressing question, “How the fuck long am I gonna be standing in this fucking line?”
If you’re not familiar with the Vail Resorts experience, it’s a bit like being a head of cattle in a feedlot: You’re funneled through gates nuts to butts with thousands of other assholes all wondering the same thing, “Where does this line end? Am I going to die here?” Well now thanks to EpicMix Time, you’ll be able to see in real time just how much of your day is being wasted in line at a Vail Resort.
Kirsten Lynch, executive vice president and chief marketing officer of Vail Resorts explains:
“EpicMix Time delivers time transparency to our guests, showing them lift line wait times across the mountain, providing them with information to choose where to ski and ride, and giving them more time on the slopes. This is just another innovation from our team that introduces more digital technology to the mountain in a way that does not interfere with the guest experience or the incredible beauty of our mountain resorts.”
What this means for you: You’ll quickly come to realize that much like using heroin, riding at a Vail Resort for a day is a bit like ‘chasing the dragon.’ You and every other dick bag on the hill with this app will see that there’s no wait over on peaks 9 and 10 and soon, there will be. But that’s ok, cause now there’s no wait on Peak 7, so you’ll spend an hour getting back over there only to realize that now everyone else is there waiting in line with you too. But a least you’ll have paid $15 for a shitty cheeseburger that is now rumbling in your gut while you stand in line hoping to god your sphincter will hold out for another 55 minutes in this god-forsaken line. I thought these things were high speed chairs?
Perhaps the best part about EpicMix Time is we at least now have an explanation for Vail Resorts daily ticket rates. “Developing worthless smartphone applications is expensive,” said one high ranking Vail Resorts official. “If we didn’t charge what we do, there’s no way amazing pieces of technological shit like EpicMix Time could exist.”