Evo Portland Opening Party

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Evo’s Portland Grand Opening Party took place this past Saturday at its recently restored 120 year-old building in Southeast Portland. Someone at Evo thought it would be a nice gesture to offer us a hotel room on the West Side, and when someone offers you a free hotel on the west side of Portland, you take it. You take it because no sane individual actually hangs out on the west side of Portland. But it’s nice to pretend you might become an affluent member of society sometimes. Back to the party; I feel it best to just give a chronological breakdown of my night.

7:46 pm: Check into the Hotel Rose. The concierge tells us, “Enjoy your room, it’s on the top floor!” We get really excited and then step in the elevator to see there are only 5 floors. Note to the concierge- maybe you should’t get people’s hopes up. Note to self- maybe you should pay attention to the buildings you are walking into.

7:50 – 8:07 pm: Walk across the bridge to Evo’s new store. Immediately we discover that the line to get in to the party is stretching two blocks. The crew and I do what any sane person would do and cut the SHIT out of the line, taking our place roughly 50 feet from the entrance. Sorry to the moms and kids that we cut, but a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. PLUS we heard that some members of Wu-Tang might be there and I never miss an opportunity to jump start my rap career.

Sick lines, bra!

8:07 – 9:00 pm We are still standing in line and it’s killing us slowly. Apparently the Portland fire marshall took a liking to the party and decided to hang out and count heads. This was making it very difficult for Evo’s event overseers to turn a blind eye to capacity rules.

9:02 pm: Security comes up to Josh Dirksen and tells him,”You are going to have to wait in line like everybody else”, clearly having no idea who Josh is (and nor would he). It’s just peculiar to watch someone you consider a God get shit on by a man who looks like he has definitely tried crack once or twice… since this morning.

9:04 pm: After standing outside for what feels like an eternity, we make it through the gate, only to discover that….my fucking god there is another line. The outside parking lot is merely a facade. Sure, there’s food, beer, and porto-potties outside, but the REAL action is happening inside- on the other side of a whole new line.

9:07 pm: The night takes a huge turn for the better when we discover the bartenders have wine in a can on the menu. They don’t take my request seriously when I ask for seven, so I settle for one after counting backwards from six. Five? No. Four? No. I take my one wine can and cut the next line, positioning myself about five feet from the door, again, avoiding vexed glares.

9:10 pm: I get in and I immediately feel like a prisoner who has been released from jail, but has no idea what to do in the real world when he get’s there. I wander around aimlessly looking for drink tokens and familiar faces.

9:15 pm: There is a line for beer. This party is like an inception of lines. A line inside of a line, inside of a line, inside of a line…you get the idea.

10:00 pm: I spot Snowboarder Mag employee, Mike Yoshida in the selfie booth set up. He gestures me to jump in, so I do my best to make a duck face that will make a baby cry. It says ‘Selfie Station’ on the booth, and comes fully equipped with a shutter clicker (for optimal selfie execution), but I soon notice a guy who seems to be the one actually snapping the photos. I can’t help but wonder if he is just a random person who has decided to take this role upon himself because he has no friends there, or if this really is his job.

Check the Technique

10:30 pm: Though the Evo staff had been trying to keep it a secret, it becomes pretty widely known that the musical guest will be GZA. I work my way to the front of the crowd.

10:31-10:45 pm: I replay the scenario in my head a million times over where in GZA is rapping liquid swords, notices me at the front of the crowd, rapping along word-for-word, and swiftly pulls me up on stage. To anyone that was talking to me during this time- I wasn’t listening.

GZA is a name a lot of people who don’t like Wu-tang have a hard time saying. Probably because it sounds like “jizz”

11:00 pm: GZA takes the stage and ROCKS OUT with a backing band. I get a pang of fear though as I over-hear a couple of teenagers talking about how they are seeing Wu-Tang. As in, they think that the band members and GZA are the people who normally comprise the Wu-Tang Clan. I begin to worry about the future of humanity but decide it best to just bob along with my hand in the air while GZA pays tribute to Ol’ Dirty Bastard with ‘Shimmy Shimmy Ya’ (or was it ‘Brooklyn ZOO?’ I can’t remember).

12:00 am: Cobra Dogs opens their doors and familiar faces, Ted Borland and Alex Sherman start dishing out weenies to the hungry crowd. All is right in the world.

So Brandon Cocard, Cody Booth and Stan Walk into a bar….

12:07- 2:30 am: The party ensues and everyone drinks like the world is ending. I meet Brandon Cocard at a bar where he wipes the floor with Desiree and I in Pool.

3:00 am: Plaid Pantry will not sell the Catfish and I beer. Upset, we decide to give up and just walk back to the hotel.

3:30 am: We make it back to the hotel room and turn on all of the lights and the TV, only to promptly pass out. I fall asleep on the floor for no good reason because the room only has a large king size bed, and Chas ended up there first.

9:30 am: Wake up to the “DUN DUN” sound of ‘Law and Order: SVU’ pounding on the television. The lights are blinding- causing a searing pain in my immensely hung over head. We check out, grab all of our snowboard gear, and head up to Mount Hood to nurse a hangover the only way we know how.

Choice Photo Booth Photos:

 OG interns Joey and RJ!
Apparently this happened. I just found this photo. I don’t even know who these people are, but DAMN!
Dave Banks next to his one true love…Pizza.
This is Drone guy. He wore snow pants to a party and he brought his own drone. yes. He is cooler than you.

Were you at the party, and you stood in front of this camera? Check out usnaps.com

 password evoPDX
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