The Stan Van Returns


After getting off a long ride on the 72 Portland bus towards Yobeat HQ, I am left with the drunken words of the homeless guy with an eyepatch who sat next to me. “Do what makes you happy”, he tells me. I guess looking like a drunken pirate is what makes him happy. Anyway, after days of sitting in Portland and commentating from afar, I have decided it time to return to Government Camp for a good ol’ Stan Van adventure. Having loaded one giant bag of Fruit Loops, minimal beef jerky rations, and my snowboard essentials, I am allotted the funds for one tank of gas. Instantly I know the name of the game will be to use as little gasoline as possible- a familiar Government camp initiative of the financially challenged. What follows is a break down of my first trip of the summer in the Stan Van.

Thursday 7/17

7:23 pm: As I set my sights on Government Camp, I use Siri as a scribe for my thoughts, including this very note. The guy in the car next to me at stop light looks over and gives me a dumbfounded stare, as if I’m having a crazy delusional conversation with myself, which of course, I am.

7: 36 pm: In a further attempt to save gas money I have opted to roll up all the windows. This makes for an interesting predicament, considering it’s pushing 90° and the air conditioning in the van doesn’t work. I start to sweat so much that I fear I will eventually smell like I took a piss shower. At first this worries me, but then I remember I have to acclimate myself to Government Camp somehow.

7: 42 pm: There is a sign that reads “Buy, Sell, Trade” on the formerly abandoned gas station just East of Windells. I pull over in hopes that I can trade my sweat ridden pee shirt for a new and cooler one with a wolf on it or something, but the place is closed. Probably because allowing others to trade you for goods is a great way to lose a shit ton of money.

8:30 pm: Arrive at Government Camp.

9:00 pm-3:00 am: Meet up with bandmate Brandon Cocard and several other boarders at a discrete woods fire in Government Camp- lovingly referred to as Sababa Land. With two guitars and a bongo, we make up songs for hours. Topics include hating to stand, Freedom, Charlie’s Mtn View, and even a Civil War-themed freestyle tucked in there somewhere.

Now doesn’t that look nice?

3:12 am: There are several changes between last year’s van and this year’s van. Most notably, I have neglected to put a bed inside it this time. At first I found this to be a reason for panic, but if there was anything I learned last summer it’s that you have to be resourceful if you wanna cut it as a Govy scumbag. I lay down all the paper bags I can find to fill in the ruffle chip style floor pattern. On top of the paper bags I lay down my Thirty Two Hood Rats towel, on top of that, a floor mat, and on top of that (my most proud innovation)- a windshield sun visor. This was a bed fit for a homeless king!

Friday 7/18/14

9:33 am: Wake up somehow not hating my life. I remember instantly how annoying it is that I have to find a place to poop. Thankfully there isn’t even a line at the Mountain View Cafe spot (last summer sometimes the line would be 4 Govy scumsuckers long).


Hard to tell where the smoke ends and the clouds begin.

10:16 am: The fires off in the distance are but gossip compared to what is news at Government Camp. News topics might include: who landed what, who’s fucking who, and who drank what. Rumors float around about the fires, some saying Oregon is in a declared states of emergency, others saying that the fires are the reasons for the whipping winds. No one seems to have any real facts on the matter.

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AJ Lawson going ham on a rope grind at Windell’s.

11:04 am: I don’t know if the bulging nature of my eyes has to do with this, but even with goggles on, the wind makes my eyes water so intensely that diggers asks me what the hell is wrong with my eyes.

4:00 pm: Drive down to Welches with Will (the Canadian) to shoot an interview with Haldor Helgason. Haldor tells us that, though he would love to do the interview naked as we had suggested, Nike has encouraged him to cut back on his on camera nudity. What a shame!

I’m really proud of this awkward family photo pose.

5:17 pm: Haldor and I are in a hot tub. Haldor Burps. A lot. Apparently in Europe, burping is like a kiss on the cheek or something. They love it.

7:00-11:58 pm: After the interview of a lifetime, we head back to Government Camp for good ol’ night of how-long-can-we-all-stand-around-and-talk-about-the-same-bullshit-infinitely at Charlie’s. Apparently they have a bouncer on the weekends and the scene is particularly strange this night because there is a wedding party in town. According to one of the locals, the bachelor party was at Charlie’s the night before and one of the members of the grooms party was drunkenly offering the girls in the bar money to have sex with him. Dude, everyone knows money isn’t the way to a girls heart in Govy, excessive booze is!

1:00 am: This bike-mobile wedding party shows up and the patrons of Charlie’s make sure to put it to use:

2:00 am: Everyone gets kicked out of Charlie’s and a lot of people are screaming. I somehow have been in Charlie’s all night, but didn’t really drink. Charlie’s is much less tolerable when you are sober. I constantly have to ward off drunk people talking in such broken english, I don’t even know if they are asking me a question or making a statement. I have reason to believe that we all got kicked out of Charlie’s because Haldor may have squirted an employee with a ketchup bottle. I was unable to confirm this rumor, but whatever it was, it was enough for them to kick everyone out.

2:12 am: Wait a minute, how is it that so many people know my name in this town, yet I am still sleeping in this van, and not inside a house somewhere? Oh ya, I did this to myself.

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Those ridges do wonders for the back!

Saturday 7/19

The fabled Truckicorn!

2:12 am – 9:00 am: I experience something that resembles sleep. The night was much colder than the previous one and I try my best to keep my feet from poking out of my Poler nap sack. Alcohol definitely served as a helpful sleep aid the night before. I never seem to slip fully into unconsciousness and I eventually give up once my 9:00 am alarm vibrates next to my paper towel roll pillow.

1:30 pm: A large group assembles at the top of the palmer lift for the A-Rob memorial lap.

Max Warbington is a capital G.

1:36 pm: Max Warbington addresses the crowd. He orchestrates a moment of silence to commemorate not only A-rob, but any and all friends that have left us too soon. With a loud “SMASH LIFE” cheer, the crowd expands in size quickly like a herd of wildebeests down the lane. The air is filled with “yips” and “yews.”

4:00 pm: As shown in Thursday’s at the Office, Brandon and I started a band currently called “Fuzz Lightyear.” After a discussion with Charlie Jr. himself, we are denied a show on Sunday night after the MMPI. Though it feels like a devastating blow at first, I head back to Portland anyway to pick up the instruments and put together this story before part 2: Stay tuned y’all, The Stan Van will be back!

11 replies
  1. Sedgyfergo
    Sedgyfergo says:

    The whole trip would have been better if you would have had a little Sedgyfergo in your life

  2. Strippers and Cocaine
    Strippers and Cocaine says:

    It appears that Govy now needs a Brothel and Strip Club, it seems the demand is there.

  3. What Has He Had
    What Has He Had says:

    Stan please start your own site and get away from this sinking ship before GoHardAngel grabs ahold of your ankle and drags you into the depths below.

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