The ABC’s of the ABC’s of Snowboarding

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The other day, an astute viewer from Facebook sent us this gem of a website called ABC of Snowboarding, a fucking goldmine of hilarity. Despite best intentions and a few made up words, (hey anyone can submit stuff!) it’s basically the worst place you could ever learn about snowboarding. In fact, it’s so bad it’s funny. We’ve taken the liberty to decode some of the finest moments – in alphabetical order, of course.

A — Air to Fakie — “This Aerial Trick involves making a 180-degree turn in the air and then riding switch.” — It’s called a fucking 180.

          Asspass — “When you fall on your ass but going so fast that you pass people on your ass.” – My ass is so fucking fast.

B “Bitchin” Calfdick — “It’s when your high backs press into your calfs while making it impossible to ride.” — If only it was actually a calf with a dick on it.

C Crust-Bustin’ — “Glorious in every way. I.E. ‘Yo bro, that 360 tail press was Crust-Bustin!’” — AKA it made your grandma so wet that you could finally break through that 70-year old crust.

D — Dutty — “If something is really good same as sick ‘wow dutty jump bro.’” — Please don’t ever fucking say that.

E — Extreme snowboarding — “Nothing else can make your heart race and make you sweat bullets than going down a very steep slope, evading obstacles such as trees and facing unexpected turns.” — So extreme, bro.

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F — Falling Leaf — “Another movement that you should learn is the Falling Leaf. This is a Snowboarding Exercise wherein the rider skids back and forth on the same edge in an imaginary corridor, almost like a leaf when it falls from the tree.” — I fucking hate idiots who “Falling Leaf” down a pow field.

G — Gigandoidtron — “A wave or jump that resembles a large monster.” — You trippy mane?

H — Halfpipe Tricks — The only three tricks listed here are snowboarding in halfpipes, alley oops, and backside 720s… pretty sure there’s more maneuvers than that.

I – Inverted - Upside-down. E.G. “He pulled an inverted method.” – Because an inverted method is totally a trick. Idiot.

J — Jellybeaning — “When you go down a run where you’re not allowed, and you have to hike back up to avoid being caught by a guy in an orange coat and becoming kicked off the mountain.” — What?

K — Killa’ — “A homicidal maniac who boards with a knife in one hand. Hint: don’t p!ss him off.” — No shit, Sherlock.

L — Linking Turns — “Linking turns is a sequence of traversing, changing edge, and traversing again. Once you are able to link turns, you can consider yourself a ‘real snowboarder’ and you will look like one too!” Yup.

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Bite the pillow, Jimmy, I’m goin’ in dry!

M — Moving up the slope — There’s a whole explanation on how to move uphill with your snowboard still on…is this not just common sense? It’s called fucking crawl your dumb ass back up the hill.

N — Naked Snowboarding — “Naked Snowboarding is normally riding the board and enjoying the feel of the wind while gliding on snow but only with a little twist— you ride wearing practically nothing.” — DUH. It’s called naked snowboarding for a reason.

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O — Ollies — “You will need a relatively wide space for this snowboarding trick.” — What kind of ollies are you doing?

P — Penguin slide – “Lie face down on the snow on a green or blue slope (red or black for the extreme penguin sliders out there).” — Are YOU an extreme penguin slider? It’s all the rage these days.

Q – QP - Short for quarter pipe. E.G. “Look at that QP!” – I feel like QP takes just as long to say as quarter pipe. Useless.

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R — Rock —n-Roll Grinds — “In this maneuver, you need to keep your board across the rail while grinding.” IT’S CALLED A BOARDSLIDE.

S — Snowboarding Rails — “The snowboarder skillfully slides on the metal rail similar to skateboarding. In order for one to perform this, he must be able to use the board very well and must define his own style.” — For a second, I thought this was gonna be some snowboard erotica…but alas…

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T — Traversing — “In traversing using the heel edge, look towards the direction where you want to go. This is one of the most crucial things that you should do when traversing. Spread your arms to help in keeping your balance.” — Fuckin’ spread ’em!

V – Variations — “Freestyle includes mostly aerial like spins, flips and grabs. Freestyle is becoming popular. Try this exciting and thrilling style next time you go snowboarding.” — Gotta get those aerial maneuvers in.

W — Why go snowboarding? — “More than just a sport that can make you look cool in front of your friends, there are a lot of other reasons you should take up Snowboarding.” — Really? That’s the main reason you snowboard? The writer is that guy who wears Scott goggles and a crispy bandana and brags to his friends that he can do a toe-side carve. (See “L”)

         White, Shaun — Medals, medals, medals.

X — X-Games — “Kevin Pearce: X-Games’ Marathon Man” -  Hmm, maybe this is a little out of date.

Y – Yuppies – “Some city people that think they can rip it up, but can’t.” – Fucking yuppies.

And apparently there were no terms for Z, but how you define penguin slides and not Zeaches is beyond us. Someone get on that. Anyway, Internet, thanks for the entertainment.

 

7 replies
  1. JP Walker
    JP Walker says:

    That’s not an “Air to Fakie”. An “Air to Fakie” is done in the half pipe, and it’s the lack of spinning.

  2. smh
    smh says:

    I feel like this intern just tries to throw as many sexual innuendos and swear words in each article as possible. It’s not funny. Stop

  3. Enraged School Goer
    Enraged School Goer says:

    For the most part of this article I was laughing so hard that I got caught off task and now in trouble. Thanks Yobeat.

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