Stan’s Solutions: Saving Snowboarding One Step at a Time

I was a four-year-old pisspants on skis during the “golden years” of snowboarding, and a lot of old-timers would say I missed all the good shit. I resent the,  “Everything was better back then” hatred towards newcomers because the people saying that had an equal hand in making things shitty.

Here are some problems and some certified Stanley solutions.

The Problem: Bindings are complicated as fuck.

They should make the a sequel to Oceans 11 about George Clooney and Mos Def’s elaborate plan to unlock the 10-piece base plate cover used on most 2013 bindings. Companies are trying so hard to separate themselves from each other that the simple idea of strapping your foot to a piece of wood has become the most over complicated thing in the world.

The Solution:

Brands: Please, just make that shit simple, consumers will buy that shit.

Consumers: Am I right, or am I right?

The Problem: Normal people used to hate snowboarders, and now they don’t.

The fact that most of my ex-girlfriends’ parents thought it was cool that I was a snowboarder means one of two things. A) They didn’t actually love their daughter  B) Somehow the paradigm of a snowboarder being an unwanted societal outlaw has shifted to that of varsity football player.

The Solution: Poach a ski mountain, spray all joeys and burn your neighbors skis in their yard or some shit. GET CORE.

The Problem: Fucks to be given about the environment.

Perhaps it’s my own fault for going to a hippy school, but it’s pretty hard to learn about man’s negative effect on the earth, and then not feel like an asshole when sitting on a chairlift carrying you over tree-carnage. Goddammit, if “An Inconvenient Truth” had dropped during 93′- 94 y’all would have felt bad too. In this day and age it feels  like  the industry is slowly destroying the world, and will one day probably have to be saved. (cough, Toeside terrors, cough)

The solution: Ride as much powder as possible, hike more. Get avalanche certified, stop supporting babylonian resorts, and respect your place in nature.

The Problem: U.S. Open and World Quarters are dead.

The knife in the back of the US open became official when the event was moved from Vermont to Vail. Even worse, rumor has it that there was a time when the U.S. open was actually fun!  Just a handful of years ago, a shred-fest raged for days on end, moving to World Quarters at Waterville, and then Last Call at Loon. I picture it as the equivalent of a college student following Phish for an entire month: cheap whiskey instead of acid, shreddy bliss instead of heady jams.

The Solution: Make your own underground competitions that involve large fires and other unlawful behavior.

So there we have it. A few solvable problems and simple solutions. You’re welcome.

18 replies
  1. we're fucked dude
    we're fucked dude says:

    It’s only a matter of time before indoor slopes filled with mini shaun whites being cheered on by soccer moms are all that’s left of snowboarding.

  2. 'Merica
    'Merica says:

    Agreed molespit. Was funny without trying to hard or being ridiculous. Drawings are sick too. The consumerism of it all has gotten crazy. People forget that you can ride down a hill on a piece of wood and seemed to be wrapped up in the idea of it all as opposed to the feeling. A lot of girls (and guys) that snowboard take a couple of laps a day and do it because its more clothes that they can justify buying.

  3. Brighton
    Brighton says:

    Living in Utah I have to deal with those kids that are like ” I snowboard! but i got like 4 times a season because I have laccross conditioning” No you dont snowboard.

  4. ble
    ble says:

    gremlinz games… hate those dudes all you want but they keep it real when it comes to an old-school style snowboard event.

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