A Quickie with Jess Kimura


The original photo had all of her new awards in it, but they didn’t say Yobeat so we didn’t really care. photo: Joel Fraser

Jess Kimura has had a hell of a year. She won all the awards at that the Transworld Grammy’s and none from Yobeat, but she’s ok with that. Either way, Jess has proven that she’s a force to be reckoned with, a new breed of female rider, part beast, part talent, pure determination. Whether she’s bleeding, smoking, farting or doing chin-ups in her shed you can be damned sure of one thing, Jess is going to be a legend, has bigger balls than you and will have one hell of a part after this Winter. With that in mind, we decided to jump on board the golden girl and ask questions at random.

Are you ready for a Quickie?
Do me.
You’re officially snowboarding’s “it girl” or woman, how are you handling that?
Yeah well I’m surprised you are interviewing me, since you hate everything “it”.  I’m trying to handle it the best I can, didn’t expect things to get this big, that’s for sure.
So what’s next? Take the year off to make reality TV appearances and do photo shoots for ESPN?
No fucking way dude. Not a lot of people get this opportunity, to be heard and to make an impact through their riding. I’m not going to waste it on a fake modeling career.
Are you filming for anything?
Yeah, I’m filming for the Nike movie and for a web series on Transworld, your favorite friends. Oh, and I always got some filming love for Peepshow.

Look at that lil’ lumberjack flying through the air. photo: Joel Fraser

Are you still making film crews cringe with your patented near death slams?
Oh man, if you would have seen how bloody my face was last night. Well I guess the answer is yes, absolutely. It’s not like I’m trying to do that, I don’t want that to be my trademark. It just comes with the territory. That’s what I tell myself when I’m face down bleeding and crying in the snow.
What happened last night?
We were hitting a rail/closeout thing. I got in the zone and was landing my tricks like, second or third try. I was so stoked ‘cause things were really going good. Then the genny ran out of gas, the boys went to get more gas, I got cold, the gatekeeper tried to kick us out, I felt super rushed and dropped in again. Worst case scenario on my first hit and even worse on my second, smashed my face, bled everywhere, spit blood on Dykeboy’s lens and called it quits for the night.
Did Dykeboy get turned on by all the blood?
No cause I think we were both bleeding, if ya’ know what I mean.

I don’t think anyone on the Yobeat staff can handplant, and that’s why we loved this photo. photo: Joel Fraser

Rumor has it you had a pretty great quote during your acceptance speech about girls and their legs, what was it?
Um, I just thanked the other girls I was nominated alongside for giving girls something better to do with their legs than wrapping them around a brass pole, something to that effect. I look up to those riders a lot and I do think it’s important to give little girls something better to look towards to than makeup and baby making.
Are you not a fan of strippers and strip clubs?
Strippers are definitely entertaining, but I guess I’m just glad it’s not me on stage.
Do you think being a good snowboarder would help you be a good stripper?
Nah, I think it would look wack, ‘cause the general style we have snowboarding does not transfer well to good dancing style. I mean look at Louie Vito. I’d probably end up farting on people while I gave them lap dances.
Your board sponsors slogan is, “We devour everything.” If a guy dropped his pants and said, “Devour this!” What would you do?
Fuck, I think I would just laugh, or face push him, or both.

Why wrap your legs around a brass pole when you can slide down a steel one? photo: Joel Fraser

How much of last season were you injured?
I’d say a solid 70%. November, December, January I was out, shredded for a week before being back on the couch for Febuary, came back in March and a week later tore my MCL in my knee. Two months of mental torture passed before I met up with Dangler and scratched and clawed my way to finishing my part,but I made it up to my soul by riding every day this summer.
Are you healthy this year?
Yeah I am. I mean I had an incident before Xmas where I ended up in the hospital in Mammoth but I’m all good now. I was actually physically ready for the season this year. I built a gym in my shed so I could smoke and do chin-ups at the same time.
Women’s snowboarding is in a state of flux, what’s the best part of having a vagina these days?
I think it’s the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. As a girl, I think many people expect me to be bad at things or to fail in a way that they can laugh at. I see it as a huge opportunity to be a part of progressing something. If I was a guy there is no way I could keep up with that level. There are so many things that haven’t been done yet by girls, I almost see it as a separate thing from boy snowboarding. It’s hard to relate to guys but it’s easy to relate to girls so I’m just trying to bring some hope to the big picture. If you had a box you would know what I mean.
What’s the worst part about having a vagina?
Bleeding once a month and over thinking everything. Oh, and being targeted by greasy dicks.

Capita rules, if you can’t one foot, get the fuck out. photo: Joel Fraser

Are you as rugged in bed as your are on a snowboard, or are you a cute and cuddly girl behind closed doors?
That’s the last thing I want people to think about. I would rather people be disgusted by thinking about it so just go to cakefarts.com and be done with it.
There are a lot of rumors floating around that girls don’t poop. True or false?
What goes in must come out right? I eat a lot of fruit so I bet I lay more turds in a day than you do in a week. I can’t speak for the others, except for Desiree [Melancon] she definitely poops.
How do you react to people giving you shit?  
I just try to look at the big picture, what the end result will be. They might think I’m a kook in that moment, or a loser or a shitty snowboarder, or whatever but if you get caught up in that shit it can destroy you. I try to react with actions, trying to convince people with words doesn’t work as well. If people want to pigeonhole me into being a lame girl snowboarding I’ll fucking show them whats up.
With your fists? Would you drag them into your shed?
Yeah, drag ‘em into my shed and then fist them.

These are the companies making money off of Jess and grinning from ear to ear that they were smart enough to sign her:  Volcom, CAPiTA, Nike, Electric, Monster, Union, Coal, and Celtek.

If you haven’t seen her full part from Defenders of Awesome, then do it now, CLICK HERE. 

12 replies
  1. dude...
    dude... says:

    dykiest, most intimidating, repulsive girl ive ever encountered. truly makes me wanna rip my dick off and throw it in a river.
    sorry. but i mean it.

    still shreds tho!

  2. Talk Greezy
    Talk Greezy says:

    She’s not only the best chick in snowboarding but she’d also probably be the hottest chick in snowboarding if she lost about 40lbs and stopped dressing like a dude. At least she didn’t come out to the awards with the 12″ dildo hanging out her butt this year so she’s cleaning up her act a little. Those are some strange looking kitchens BTW.

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