SIA 2012: Rumorator’s Final Wrap Up

Newsflash muthafuckers, there is no more fun in snowboarding. I know this because I just spent the past few days walking around the SIA Snow Show. There are no more slogans raving about how much FUN! snowboarding is. All that happy hippie “just ride with your friends” crap is over. Gone are the poppy, easter egg colors. It’s pretty much just drab, wool collabs from here on out.

Perhaps it was the shuttering of super-fun O-Matic that caused this change in attitude. Or perhaps, after three years of doing SIA in Denver, the numbness that Las Vegas provided has worn off. Snowboarding has finally been forced to look in the mirror and see itself for what it is.

What was there to be found was a dead seriousness and a drive to make money. Just and overwhelming sadness laced with greed. With this in mind, Yobeat hit the Colorado Convention Center floor and it went pretty much like this:

6:30 A.M. Friday Brooke Geery calls a Yobeat staff meeting. She gives out samples of Yobeat Energy Extreme MAX energy drink. An upcoming product we are introducing, once we have the formula perfected. It promises to be the ultimate in energy drinks, delivering the maximum extreme energy from Yobeat, but right now it just taste like rubbing alcohol.

7:00 A.M. Friday I’m sweating and feel like my chest may explode.

10:30 A.M. Friday We run into Dale Rehberg of NXTZ. One of the mannequin heads at the booth pleads with me to set her free. I put the head in my backpack. I will name her Lisa.

3:30 P.M. Friday A black cloud has formed over the Spirithood booth. Everything–the chairs, the products, and the exhibitors–all turn completely black. Around the show, the promotional Spirithoods began to bond to their human wearers, like the symbiote Venom.

5:30 P.M. Friday A rumor starts flowing from the Stepchild booth. They think Yobeat is ridiculous for making a comic book joke. To prove their point, they will dedicate three print ads to it in 2013. Consider this your teaser.

7:00 P.M. Friday our staff meeting consists of beer and whiskey. Nick Lipton is recounting a story of a stripper wearing braces. I assume this is the norm in Denver.

9:30 A.M. Saturday I awake with a beard.

10:30 A.M. Saturday I see the crew from the Sessions booth cutting new images from a 1993 Sears Catalog to complete their 2013 lookbooks.

4:00 P.M. Saturday I see Jess Kimura cursed to spend the rest of her days at the event pushing her Rider’s Poll Awards through the tradeshow on a medieval wooden cart. She looks tired.

9:30 P.M. Saturday Methbombs. My Jaw goes numb. I suddenly become preoccupied with where I left Lisa.

3:30 A.M. Sunday A man in a wheelchair runs over my foot, in a strip club on the second floor of a building that has no elevators. This is the first coherent thought I have mustered since Thursday night.

5:49 A.M. Sunday I return to my hotel. There are people checking out. They frown at me. I assume they are skiers.

10:20 A.M. Sunday The rest of the Yobeat crew has left for the airport. There is blood that is not my own on the bed sheets.

1:00 P.M. Sunday I leave Denver for Winter Park with a full case of Yobeat Energy Extreme Max energy drink.

  • a

    Sallbout capital vs. lowercase. Big-S Snowboarding has been fucked. For longer than it wasn’t. Lowercase-s snowboarding stays untouchable, as evidenced by my SIA Day One last week at Alpental. (Actually probably show-related, there were absolutely ZERO snow industry bros up there, just people riding around for fun. AND IT WAS FUN.)

    I used to find it precious, the 10-year vets who were claiming “but back in the day…” Now, even they have a point.

    Just remember that it has nothing to do with lowercase-s snowboarding, and you don’t have to have anything to do with Capital-S Snowboarding if you don’t want.

    …unless you have a snowboardblogg where you talk about snowboarding and go to trade shows, I guess…

    Weirdo.

    SRSLY you could’ve flown to Seattle and stayed on my hide-a-bed and ridden deep snow for a week. For real.

    And: “Sunday A man in a wheelchair…” Please make that majuscule A minisucle. Confusing to reader.

  • squid

    This sucked. Wasn’t this supposed to be an SIA recap? No one cares about yoir escapades. Tgis REALLY sucked

  • b

    ^^^ what are you talking about?

  • Cookie

    Really? This was a miserable “recap”…

  • Gerg!

    Damn, 3 posts from SIA and no Saga preview for 2013? So bummed right now. I just tore my jacket doing a flat 5 dinner roll…

  • Stripper with braces Ain’t the norm in denver, sounds more like that is the normal
    caliber of strippers that Nick Lipton Fucks!! or tries??

  • danger

    stop living through the internet and go to SIA yourself. haters

  • Badfish

    This is what happens when you send ‘Sconnis in to do a job that requires somebody to attack a journalism story like Hunter S. Thompson would. It’s really too bad I wasn’t there to pour Jameson’s down your throat personally. I am thoroughtly impressed you were up at 6:30am though. You shouldda come to Seattle instead.

  • I don’t see what the big deal is, i mean I think strippers with braces are hot also this just means the establishment your in has a great health plan.

  • SIA is for boners. We (Saga) dont sell to retailers really so theres no need to go put on a dog and pony show. Just make the stuff we want and sell it direct to the customer. keeps the cost down and strengthens the customer to company relationship.

  • And im pretty sure a stripper with braces is a check box. so kudos.

  • Badfish

    Can you point to which one of Denver’s finest was wearing the leg braces? http://www.9news.com/news/photo-gallery.aspx?storyid=245292

  • yoyougotfruit

    I liek pictures.

  • you mad?

    So Saga does strictly in house retailing? Does this mean you wont be supporting those local shops that give kids information on what gear fits them, stories on why snowboarding is amazing, and foster camaraderie among riders.

    Caring more about your stupid profit margins disguised as “building customer/company relationships” is disgusting. SIA is a cornball tradeshow, but it keeps our unique cultural institutions (snowboard shops) alive. “Lowering consumer costs” is the biggest farce going, its the reason our entire economy tanked. Remember bustling Main Street with its awesome privately owned skate/snow shop? It’s a ghost town because some SKIING COMPANY DOESN’T WANT TO DEAL WITH RETAILERS!? Just open 2 cookie cutter flagships. That’d be SICK.

    No really, kids can totally get all the information they need from your FUCKING E-COMMERCE WEBSITE.