Newsflash muthafuckers, there is no more fun in snowboarding. I know this because I just spent the past few days walking around the SIA Snow Show. There are no more slogans raving about how much FUN! snowboarding is. All that happy hippie “just ride with your friends” crap is over. Gone are the poppy, easter egg colors. It’s pretty much just drab, wool collabs from here on out.
Perhaps it was the shuttering of super-fun O-Matic that caused this change in attitude. Or perhaps, after three years of doing SIA in Denver, the numbness that Las Vegas provided has worn off. Snowboarding has finally been forced to look in the mirror and see itself for what it is.
What was there to be found was a dead seriousness and a drive to make money. Just and overwhelming sadness laced with greed. With this in mind, Yobeat hit the Colorado Convention Center floor and it went pretty much like this:
6:30 A.M. Friday Brooke Geery calls a Yobeat staff meeting. She gives out samples of Yobeat Energy Extreme MAX energy drink. An upcoming product we are introducing, once we have the formula perfected. It promises to be the ultimate in energy drinks, delivering the maximum extreme energy from Yobeat, but right now it just taste like rubbing alcohol.
7:00 A.M. Friday I’m sweating and feel like my chest may explode.
10:30 A.M. Friday We run into Dale Rehberg of NXTZ. One of the mannequin heads at the booth pleads with me to set her free. I put the head in my backpack. I will name her Lisa.
3:30 P.M. Friday A black cloud has formed over the Spirithood booth. Everything–the chairs, the products, and the exhibitors–all turn completely black. Around the show, the promotional Spirithoods began to bond to their human wearers, like the symbiote Venom.
5:30 P.M. Friday A rumor starts flowing from the Stepchild booth. They think Yobeat is ridiculous for making a comic book joke. To prove their point, they will dedicate three print ads to it in 2013. Consider this your teaser.
7:00 P.M. Friday our staff meeting consists of beer and whiskey. Nick Lipton is recounting a story of a stripper wearing braces. I assume this is the norm in Denver.
9:30 A.M. Saturday I awake with a beard.
10:30 A.M. Saturday I see the crew from the Sessions booth cutting new images from a 1993 Sears Catalog to complete their 2013 lookbooks.
4:00 P.M. Saturday I see Jess Kimura cursed to spend the rest of her days at the event pushing her Rider’s Poll Awards through the tradeshow on a medieval wooden cart. She looks tired.
9:30 P.M. Saturday Methbombs. My Jaw goes numb. I suddenly become preoccupied with where I left Lisa.
3:30 A.M. Sunday A man in a wheelchair runs over my foot, in a strip club on the second floor of a building that has no elevators. This is the first coherent thought I have mustered since Thursday night.
5:49 A.M. Sunday I return to my hotel. There are people checking out. They frown at me. I assume they are skiers.
10:20 A.M. Sunday The rest of the Yobeat crew has left for the airport. There is blood that is not my own on the bed sheets.
1:00 P.M. Sunday I leave Denver for Winter Park with a full case of Yobeat Energy Extreme Max energy drink.
https://yobeat.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/yobeatenergyextreme.jpg458258Gregory Frankhttps://yobeat.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/logo-2.pngGregory Frank2012-01-30 09:27:132012-01-30 09:30:07SIA 2012: Rumorator's Final Wrap Up