What Happens to your Career in…

Every snowboarder at one point or another wants to be a big deal. Hell, even Scotty Wittlake was in a video game. To help our readers obtain their dreams we enlisted countless interns, logged thousands of hours at the library and investigated every claim in this next article with a fine tooth comb to find out what the probably outcome of going pro is according to geographic location, enjoy.

For all you know this is Colorado’s top pro…

Colorado:

You are doomed to a life of utter normalcy and heartbreak. With the exception of a hot streak in the contest circuit  you’ll be incapable of standing out in any way. Eventually that thing you won that one time won’t impress anyone. You will fade away, slowly losing the last of your quirky Denver based sponsors. Eventually you will bartend in Breckenridge.

As an East Coaster you’ll never understand why people laugh at your cool Boston tattoo.

East Coast:

If you don’t move West, you can expect your life to go a little like this: Go to college, knock up wife, be an extra in an inspirational sports movie.

Midwest:

After getting a house with everyone you’ve ever met snowboarding the group splits three ways. One group goes to Colorado and are never heard from again. Another begins stalking  the Utah scene, and one friend (not you) goes Man Am. The other third never leaves home. FedEx becomes a great job with loads of opportunity for upward mobility.

Lake Tahoe:

After “moving” to Tahoe and “moving” into a house occupied by some fifty dirtbags you get stoned. It feels good. When you wake up it’s six months later, you’re really good in the Northstar park, you totally scored with that one girl from Reno and you’ve even picked up a sponsor. With your friends hoody company backing your shit you eventually get background props in Transworld. Life begins to look bleak around 27.

I sorta quit filming after I moved to Portland. I’m just so busy now with my bike company.  – some big pro guy

Portland:

Oh, you live in Portland? You’re obviously a super-pro, but whatever, snowboarding is just your hobby. What you really love is (insert modern hip craft project or whatever here).

Utah:
You’ll go pro, make it big, move to Portland, start a micro brew company. Or, you’ll make edits for Yobeat.

Washington:

Baker scene: You get sponsored by Burton. Your career dies but you don’t care ‘cuz you’re all about the ride man. Seattle scene: You’re Asian! You go pro. You’re white? You go to college and the internet hates your edits.

Like this even needs a comment…

SoCal:

Do you live in LA or Big Bear? If Big Bear, you’ll go pro for Technine and pay rent with the weed you grow. In LA you’ll forget about snowboarding cuz’ Kobe is doing something, the surfs up, wait no you have a wrist band for that one party, oh shit can’t make it cuz’ the company you started has a tradeshow to hit, oh fuck scratch that some D list celeb invited me to a B list club.

Wyoming:

After filming the heaviest backcountry line to date Burton, Oakley, Redbull and Matador Beef Jerky all offer you deals. They are used as kindling for your fireplace and napkins to clean the blood from last nights hunt.

This is where men go to die.

Montana:

You single-handedly build the best all-wood park this side of East Germany. Your career, goals and ambition die as you tend to it for the next 50 winters.

Can you spot Jed Anderson? What about Ben Bilocq?

Western Canada:

Congrats, you go pro by default. Every TM in Canada offers you anything you want as long as you promise to try hard. By 24 you’ve become an alcoholic and the internet calls you a washup.

Eastern Canada:

Congrats, you speak French. You’re already pro, but for a company no one has ever heard of. You’ll be pro for an American company after your friend says your good. You film for Videograss and develop a niche style. You’ll be an underground superstar.

Central Canada
Congrats, you’re either Jed Anderson or you’re not.

The awkward part is we’ve all seen those sunglasses at some resort.

Europe
You give snowboarding the effort a black kid from the ghetto gives basketball. Everyone you know goes Man Am for Burton, Forum or Burton. One guy from that one country gets on Salomon. Five of the original 800 go pro. No one cares that you’re insanely talented and you become a has-been by 25. That Salomon guy is now on DC and makes more money than the original 800 combined.

Middle East:

A life of indoor snowboarding and weapons training makes your homemade Youtube video an instant internet meme. Your uncle, the one that’s rich, buys a small chinese city and turns it into a snowboard factory. You become the second biggest snowboarding celebrity in Dubai, second only to Shaun White. You enjoy a lucrative career that lasts for more than 30 years. No one in America knows you as anything other than, “Backflip AK47 Guy” on Youtube.

Remember this kid?

Australia.
Increasingly dangerous dares make you and your friends the gnarliest snowboarders on earth. The one that is still alive at 18 goes on to impress Americans and enjoy two full years of stardom. Beer, women and BBQ ruins your career and life.

Other

You make global headlines when you enter the Olympic Boardercross competition. You are entirely forgotten about in seven days.

42 replies
  1. Sam
    Sam says:

    whooooo! portland, i’m gonna go ride my fixed gear in ass-tight pants and wool hat (in june) to the market to take pictures with my crappy old camera i got at a thrift store.

  2. KItzke
    KItzke says:

    haha this is why I have continued to check yobeat every couple weeks.. incase something like this came along again… that was good!

  3. Gdawg
    Gdawg says:

    Well, 1) there is a great wood park hidden in Montana and 2) seriously? Montana dude. home to paul bonyan and all sorts of mountain men, lumber jack type dudes. duh.

  4. BenR
    BenR says:

    Wow…good thing I couldn’t care less about Pro anything really (unless someone wants to give me free shit without me giving anything in return)… “Turning pro” is the new “admitting that you are gay”.

  5. ScottStev
    ScottStev says:

    I am not here to hate on yobeat but I feel as if there are alot of people on here that once planned on doing something with snowboarding but reached a point where they realised they were not capable and now you have to hate on anyone who would like to go somewere with snowboarding. Really cool guys. As long as your having a good time it shouldnt matter what your intensions are

  6. ptym
    ptym says:

    this was one of teh better articles i’ve read on this website. I found it extremely accurate and very well thought out. for real though. loved it

  7. BenR
    BenR says:

    yeah I don’t know if you guys happened to notice the tag line for this web site….”making fun of snowboarding since 1997″… it’s a joke douchbags… it’s all one big joke…comedy, maybe you’ve heard of it. It’s hilarious to me that people take this shit so seriously and get so offended by hateful internet post on a web site that claims said tag line.

  8. BenR
    BenR says:

    and for the record…anyone that states they “want to turn pro” shouldn’t. I just like to ride, get a real job you aren’t good enough.

  9. Fonzie
    Fonzie says:

    I’m Asian and from Seattle, I can’t wait to go pro! Oh wait, I’m 27 and life looks bleak. This was a great read though! Well done.

  10. @ScottStev
    @ScottStev says:

    you sound like you got dropped a lot as a kid. people only care about what you say enough to let you know you’re gay.

  11. FuckinA
    FuckinA says:

    yep, spot on, and funny to the point that got me depressed for a few minutes. but, for all the kids out there that are killing themselves to get that pro-shred paycheck, there is a pretty sweet part in the middle of the ‘pro shred career’ that didn’t get discussed in the article: snowboarding everyday, wined and dined, heli trips (or rolling to a street spot with the cops paid off and on your side), red carpet (or at least getting your $5 club fee covered by your TM), and not having to serve coffee, bag groceries, wait tables, or do any of those other shitty jobs that also totally suck. And, if you play your cards right you can live that good life for 5-10 years (maybe 15 if you’re mormon).

    So, yeah the end might suck, but fuck, what doesn’t. And, to quote a classic mitch hedberg piece “I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, ‘Doesn’t wine give you a headache?’ ‘Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!'”

    So enjoy the ride while it lasts (and develop an exit strategy along the way so you don’t get stuck doing something you hate.)

  12. jackdaniels
    jackdaniels says:

    portland is definitely the worst…imagine how much it would suck not going pro and having to write articles for this shitty website?

  13. @fuckinA
    @fuckinA says:

    Well said. Everyone needs to pick up a shred movie from ten years ago, read all the names on the back, then count how many of them you’ve heard of recently. Beyond a few people (JP, JJ, Gigi, etc.) all of those dudes are out and on to different things. Do it for fun, not for fame and money… getting flowed decks by your TM isnt going to put you through college let alone your children.

  14. matty
    matty says:

    if you dont have an exit strategy…you will bag groceries. There are way more exit strategies today then there used to be tho. You dont have to wear your friends paint-penned headbands to make a living. With the industry becoming painfully more corporate with 100x the companies, any pro shred with a brain can get a marketing, management, design, or events job after they become too old (24).

  15. Scott Stevens
    Scott Stevens says:

    Hey kids don’t listen to anything YoBeat says there just a bunch of washed up riders who never even got close to going anywhere in snowboarding

  16. pope
    pope says:

    This article is super funny. I agree with Scott on some stuff, but snowboarders cant read anyway.
    As for Montana. We have built the best natural parks in the world…f-germany. As for maintaining stuff. Thats what real park builders do. It sucks when I have some time off, go to visit somewhere and all I see is flat landings or no landings etc. hey kids….work hard and be honest, and all the rest will just sort itself out.

  17. Danny
    Danny says:

    Wow. I cant believe this shit. My opinion is that your perception on snowboarding is fucked. People can make something out of there snowboarding however they want, wherever they want.

  18. Gdawg
    Gdawg says:

    Honestly pal, “Making fun of snowboarding.” Not, taking snowboarding and childhood dreams super serious since 1997.

  19. shredhotty
    shredhotty says:

    Funnnnnneeeeee!! 🙂 keep it real people….who cares about going pro…if it is meant to be it will happen..it is a stupid concern that doesnt pay THAT well……just have fun and ride as much as u can!! you can get a waaay baller job and ride more than the pros too….I def dont pick up thier sorry asses in Govey while they are trying to hitchhike in the summer…I bump my beats n leave em in the dussst! & I am sooo glad to live in Portland! Hood is only an hour away and so is the beach….rough life peeps.. 😉

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