Original publication date: February 2005. Still valid today.
New Year’s has come and passed and Thanksgiving and Christmas are way behind us. Gone is the time of giving thanks. Now is the point in our year when we should say “I’m sorry.” As the winter days get even more brutally cold, and the light grows flatter, and you get more plump and disheveled looking, you may find yourself drinking more and remembering less. Like where did I sleep last night? Who is this person in bed with me? What did I do last night that might get me arrested? Why is my entire body painted bright orange? I find that letters to myself are an effective way of fighting confusion and remorse. I have applied the Bush Doctrine to my own life and have found that I can pre-emptively strike at guilt and shame with a quick drunken note. As an example of what I mean, I’ve included a little epistle to myself which I should have composed before blacking out completely last Tuesday night:
I know you’re disappointed. Honestly; you should be. We did some pretty stupid things tonight and I thought I should write to you before I passed out to say I’m sorry and in case your memory blanks out, fill you in on a few things: First, you might not want to go outside for a few days (at least till the police stop looking for you). 2nd, about that bar on Lexington: you want to stay away from that place for a good month or so. The bouncer was pretty upset and it’s going to take a long time to get those stains out.
Now, you’ll probably be waking up with a fat girl. She looked better last night, I assure you. I’d love to help you out with her name, but I never caught it. You did use protection and you promised to drop her off at school this morning–in time for home room.
Additionally, you are the proud owner of a tattoo. I won’t ruin the surprise by telling you where it is or what is says, but it’s totally sweet, don’t be upset. Be stoked.
Finally, a trip to the doctor to get that Bostich stapler out of your rectum, not a bad idea. Probably want to get on that ASAP. That’s going to be a little hard to explain, but they are professionals, I’m sure they see that all the time.
In conclusion, I’d like to say that it is always a pleasure getting drunk with me, regardless of the consequences. So don’t feel bad. In fact I salute us. We are most awesome.