Old Gold: Hints and Tips for Retards

Original publication date: 1999

When I was 18, these things were really important to me. Replace “rodeos” with “double corks,” add a “skinny stance” crack in the stance section, and disregard my fashion advice completely, and it’s almost still relevant today. Please also note my awesome snowboard style in the photos – I was “sponsored.” Ahh, the 90s.

With any sport there are always faux pas, such as skating mongo footed (pushing with your front foot), and snowboarding is no exception. In fact the number of things that people do wrong in snowboarding seems to out number any other sport. Be it dumb grabs, poor fashion, or foolish tricks, not a day goes by with out some one being guilty of looking dumb. I believe the original intention of trick tips, which pollute so many pages of reputable snowboard publications, was to inform the herbs how to do certain tricks. Where these segments have gone wrong is that no kid who reads them in hopes to learn that cool new trick is reading to learn Kinger Flips, or even rodeos. The only tricks that should be explained here are frontside 360’s and maybe ollies. Anyone who’s good enough to do any of the higher level tricks doesn’t need to have each step of them spelled out. Beyond learning the tricks, there are many things in snowboarding you might not be able to figure on your own. Maybe these little things are what trick tips should zero in on. Since no “real” magazine will do it, I’m taking this opportunity to do it myself, mainly because I cringe every time I see some idiot looking so uncool off a rock star kicker.

Ewww…Girl Method. Don’t ever, ever, ever, do this trick!

Bend your knees

This is the absolute simplest part of snowboarding. It makes sense, if your knees are bent you have more control, and can better absorb impact from all the little bumps on the trail, and you are less likely to blow them out.. Oh yeah, and you can’t turn with your legs straight! Perhaps, you’ve come up with a method of scraping out turns without bending your legs, but let me assure you, it looks foolish. If you are guilty of not bending your knees, you probably don’t know, but do this little exercise. When you are riding pay attention to how you are standing on the board if your knees are locked, you’re doing it wrong. If you determine this much, then make sure to bend your knees. If your muscles don’t burn at the end of the day, you still aren’t doing it.

Fix your stance

“But nothing is wrong with my stance.” Your stance sucks if your toes are pointing together, this is called pigeon toed and it is very uncool, as well as something which makes it nearly impossible to ride well. If you’re just starting to snowboard, you probably want to learn how to turn. If you’ve ever seen someone on hard boots, you notice that they ride very sharp angles on their front and back feet. Why? Because it make it super easy to turn. What this means for you, is that you should ride angles on both feet until you feel totally comfortable carving. Once you feel you are ready to ride switch, you can straighten out your back foot or angle it slightly back. This called riding duckfoot, and although it went through a brief period of being shunned, it is again socially acceptable, and will make it easier to land and ride switch. However, it is okay to keep your angles, as most halfpipe pros do too.

Never under estimate the power of forward lean

If you’re unsure what forward lean is, or what it does, you’re probably not riding with enough. Forward lean is more than just Burton socks, it is what makes riding with your knees bent and holding an edge up the backside wall possible. If your still riding low backs, you probably don’t have forward lean adjusters, and you fall under the uncool catagory, cause low backs SUCK, but if you’re riding any recently made high back, that plastic thing on that back is a forward lean adjuster. Crank it down so the backs of your bindings are not at a 90 degree angle from the board, and you’ll be set. A warning, forward lean hurts the first few days, so slowly increase the amount every time you ride. You may find you like a different amount for riding halfpipe and freeriding. You make the call.

What’s a tindy? This is a tindy.

Ditch the baggy pants

Fashion has this nasty tendency of changing, and if you’re still rocking the 1992 stylings of size 48 pants, you need to get out more. Even if you claim not to care how you look, you should, cause there is something wrong with looking retarded. Try picking up a snowboard magazine, here you’ll find example of all the lastest fashion. While you might not have the duckets to go out and buy all the new Special Blend gear, Army Navy Stores and the Salvation Army can provide cost effective street ware alternatives. A good idea is to spend a decent amount of money on good outer ware, because if you shop wisely it can last you for years, and you’ll be much happier if you’re warm up on the hill. Whatever you do though, I urge you to stay away from Camo. That is a trend which must DIE NOW!

Don’t do stupid grabs

So you’re ready to hit jumps. The first thing you want to learn are strait airs. A strait air is any trick that doesn’t involve rotation. The best way to stay balanced in the air off a jump is to grab, but whatever you do, don’t grab tindy. This is a very natural grab (between your back binding and your tail), so it can be enticing to do as a safety grab, but trust me, you should put the effort into grabbing between your bindings cause tindy’s are just plain wrong. Other no no grabs include tail fish (in between your back foot and your tail) and girl methods, (a method which is kicked straight back, no tweak). If you do any of these grabs, don’t expect any high fives from your bros, as they should in all reality, be embarrassed to be seen with you.

If you can’t clear a jump, don’t try to spin off it.

Makes sense right? Nothing is more painful to watch than someone barely even pop off the lip of a jump before hucking around a 360, and then crashing about 5 feet after the take off into the flat of the table. Also, if you’re pre rotating 270 degrees on the take off, making your actual rotation in the air 90 degrees, it does not constitute a 360, so don’t expect props, dude.

What’s wrong with this picture? That stalefish is really a tailfish. Bad, bad, bad.

Learn straight airs before you learn rodeos

Rodeos are probably one of the easiest and most popular tricks right now. The reason they are so easy, is that the rotation is fairly natural, so what happens is a lot of kids with no comprehension of getting hurt will be able to huck around a rodeo, when they don’t even have enough control to do a straight air. Don’t believe me? You obviously didn’t make it out to Hood this summer, where every kid could do a perfect stomped rodeo, yet no one could do a method. Rodeos are a cool trick, but if they’re your only trick you are not.

Don’t vibe

A few years back, snowboarding was very different than it was today. There were only so many snowboarders on the mountain, and you, as a snowboarder, knew everyone of them. If someone new came riding, you made it a point to take runs with them and get to know them. There was always some vibing going on, but at least you knew what the person was about before you decided you hated them. Now, the vast populaity of the sport of snowboarding has made it impossible to know everyone on the hill, but the least you can do, if you happen to get on a lift with another snowboarder, even if they aren’t rocking a brand new forum snowboard, is say hi. It’s always nice to have a good conversation, make those high speed quads move that much faster. You gotta figure you both have snowboards on your feet, so must you have something in common. Basically, just be civil to everyone, this isn’t high school, it’s snowboarding. Snowboarding is fun.

61 replies
  1. Chris Shields
    Chris Shields says:

    Did this she seriously just write a rule book on snowboarding? Some of it helps. 90 percent of is just plain wrong. Have fun. Who cares, There are no rules. Shred. Fashion? Hahaha.

  2. a.
    a. says:

    drexnefex: if rails are gay, what’s wrasslin?: http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/story?section=news/state&id=7830788

    Chris Shields: this was written ten years ago.

    I’d like to add: don’t grab if you’re not at least shoulders-high. And never tweak without grabbing. And helmets suck.

    Good article, especially given the background infoez. I guess I can only say I’m happy I was there when it was exciting to see other snowboarders. Shit done changed!

  3. BagsO'Ass
    BagsO'Ass says:

    I love girl methods with a nice tindy grab thrown in. They are my go to.

    a, you can say that helmets are stupid looking or unfashionable, but its pretty retarded to say they are stupid.

  4. bb
    bb says:

    i love how it’s hating on various trends in snowboarding and then at the end states don’t vibe. What’s wrong with tindy’s? they are the best because they’re so easy to grab and tweak. make sure it’s huge and stylish though.

  5. Robholio
    Robholio says:

    Helmets suck? You know what really sucks? Damaging your brain. Not remembering something due to head trauma. It’s simple common sense with how things are progressing to protect your head. Dirt bike, mountain bike, skis, snowboard…It doesn’t matter to your brain when it impacts something. You only get one brain, and they’re hard to fix.

    I assume you have some medical insurance to fortify whatever toque/beanie you may be sporting?

  6. a
    a says:

    Helmets suck, and are for suckers.

    I ride snowboards around in powder. Helmet not necessary.

    If “safety reasons” have you wearing a helmet for snowboarding, you should leave it on for the drive home.

  7. lame
    lame says:

    ha ha ha no helmet necessary in powder?! you stupid shit. powder is the one thing where helmets are REALLY necessary (and pipe and giant kickers if you ride them even when they’re made out of ice). You don’t severely damage your brain by falling down some stairs on a handrail. That’ll give you a concussion at most.
    You really fuck yourself up tumbling down a cliff and hitting a rock hidden under POWDER.
    stupid moron.

  8. Mike
    Mike says:

    TINDYS ALL DAY. Fact, NTAD(Nation Tindy Awareness Day)is only a few days away. 12/15 better all be reach’n for the forbidden.


    A lil refresher. ^

    Well given that it never snows here, so I can visible see the rocks that I am going over I love my helmet. Concrete hurts, head injuries are serious, call me a pussy but logical reasoning and backed medical studies are far more persuasive than some buthurt grammar nazi.

  9. a.
    a. says:

    You’d be safer if you wore the helmet all the time. You know that, right? You should wear personal protective gear always, if you’re really concerned about being as safe as possible at all times. (You also shouldn’t snowboard on rocks. Oopsie.)

  10. a.
    a. says:

    And as for tindy grabs, they seem to have replaced last year’s backflips as the go-to trick with the kids. Those chicken wing tweakers–they’re tindys.

  11. Mike
    Mike says:

    OH SHEIT URRITE, UNPRTEKDD RITENAO. 50 inches a year doesn’t cover a whole lot, especially when it typically rains after it snows.

  12. a's right
    a's right says:

    a, Now, go ahead and tell me Kevin Pierce wouldn’t have been better off with a helmet. I can’t wait to see what you pull out of your poop chute now. p.s. sorry a comment board can’t even hide your vagina.

  13. a
    a says:

    If your hill only gets 50 inches of snow a year, you should get a new hobby. Or move.

    I will allow you to wear a helmet if you’re going upside down twice in one superhalfpikebooster, if you must. Michaelchuck didn’t have a helmet 10+ years ago, but whatever: keep convincing yourselves that you are superbad, but know that old men think you’re silly.

    Everyone sitting around telling each other that yes, “we are all supergnarlier than anyone ever,” that indeed, “we do need transceivers and helmets and oh my good goddamn aren’t we just the baddest dudes of all times the second we step one foot outside.” It’s funny. I go to the mountain and everyone’s still just riding around.

    If we were one-tenth as gnarly as we claimed, most of us would be dead.

  14. Mike
    Mike says:

    I don’t know you about you, but I’m not going to get all hissy pissy and cry that we don’t receive the same amount of snow as other places. Than I’d be just another person riding the dick of the industry that tells people you need to have POWDER POWDER AND MORE POWDER otherwise your not having fun. I guess if your easy persuaded by others and don’t really do much thinking of you own than moving west and thinking helmets are pointless sounds pretty good. For me though, I like to think for myself, breaking down what messages is being transmitted logically for better understanding and better reasoning. But hey, he uses things like logic and reasoning these days anyway? Coming from a person who receives little to no snow and yet I love snowboarding so much, what would I know.

  15. a's right
    a's right says:

    Hey a, you should wear a helmet all the time to cover that big vagina on your face. Shut up about you and your old man friends. Seriously, this is a new century for snowboarding, your past means nothing. You probably think you are some pioneer, and how special you are that you were one of the first snowboarding. Well your not. there are maybe just a few people I thank for making snowboarding what it is today and you are not one of them. All you do is complain about today and say you are better because you don’t need a helmet. I bet you get extreme. Don’t forget your viagra and laxitives. Usually I have some respect for my elders but not old washed up men that think they are so cool like you. Now retire your snowboard and go continue your job as an english teacher.

  16. itsallovernow
    itsallovernow says:

    a, I respect your opinion about helmets and urge you to maintain it. The world could do with one less angry old man. commonsrsly you’re a retard

  17. a
    a says:

    I’m a never-was, not a has-been.

    “vagina on my face?” Okay.

    “viagra and laxatives”: you should stick with these, they make sense (I’m old). Sure, that’s admittedly my whole schtick, but at least it’s true.

    “english teacher?” I can’t believe that one.

    I’m very confused with the New Century Of Snowboarding.

  18. BagsO'Ass
    BagsO'Ass says:

    I am pretty sure anyone who writes “commonsrsly” is a retard. Or 8 years old. Or a retarded 8 year old.

  19. a
    a says:

    ayo doods lemme find the one where I used microsoft voice recognition software fi poasting a bloggpiece bro that shit was FIRE you’ll love it

    At least I know I dug that one. Didn’t get much run, but that was my blogg of the year, in a year of heavy blogging.

    and it’s “comeonsrsly,” and the converse “srslycomeon”

    feel free to bookend either with a “bro,” for emphasis.

    ite leight

  20. a's right
    a's right says:

    a, nothing you say is funny or helping your argument, we are all laughing at your struggle to maintain your dignity which hangs on the edge of a snowboarding blog.

  21. bobgnarly
    bobgnarly says:

    In my own worthless opinion it makes sense to wear a hemet just ask Jed Anderson or Chris Dufficy. There, that should satisfy both generations of snowboarders on this thread.

  22. a's right
    a's right says:

    I agree but hence the “even”. Meaning that now versus a while back, helmets are endorsed not only by riders. They are even endorsed by pros, which makes us feel comfortable about are personal choices. One word makes a big difference.

  23. a
    a says:

    You guys! Guys!

    I started a blog that will be dedicated to turning “snowboarding in a helmet” into a phrase to mean, well, something that’s ridiculous overkill. Like snowboarding in a helmet. It’s going to be sick: http://snowboardinginahelmet.blogspot.com/

    When I’m done, I hope to have people saying things like, “man, you wear driving gloves to sit in traffic on the freeway commuting to work?–that’s snowboarding in a helmet, bro!”

    The tenets of my blogvision, in case I haven’t made them clear, are:

    If helmets are necessary to snowboard, they’re also necessary for all sorts of everyday shit where nobody wears a helmet. Stay consistent.

    Safety comes at a price, and the goofy tax is too high. Cost/benefit analysis of a snowboard helmet shows it to be a huge economic (and spiritual) mistake.

    You ain’t shit. I find your wearing of a helmet to ride along with your knees locked and your arms out arrogant. I really do.

    So there you have it. I’ll update it as often as I can, showing examples of the ridiculousness of Snowboarding In A Helmet. Hopefully, we can stem this oppressive tide.


  24. a
    a says:

    “Helmets are generally pretty normal today with pros even.”

    I caution you from getting life guidance from snowboard pros.

  25. cmac
    cmac says:

    It’s like wearing a cup while playing frolf

    It doesn’t mean that smashed nards are a good thing.

    I have a helmet; I wear it when it’s shit (not powder). Question is why the fuck I ride when’t it’s shit. I quit doing that.

    I’m old. My go to’s are roast beef air and frontside 180’s. Frontside. WTF

    I think I’m going to demand my daughter wear a helmet. Then we can have the “Dad, you’re a hypocritical douche talk”.

  26. b2k
    b2k says:

    Dude I’m like the only person doing roast beefs anymore on them hills chekkkit. altho I did see a dbl roast beef thrown in a recent torsten webvid that was mad floppy.

    I also did a girl method the other day and then I did it again right afterwards but with no grab AND I tweaked my back all out like a “C”. All w/out a helmet suckas. ALL DAY.

  27. a's right
    a's right says:

    a, I would expect more from you than to misconceive a simple phrase, even after I explained it again. Oh, and another blog? Dang, that really hits me in the heart… I guess I will quit wearing a helmet now. You are a typical douche bag. I hope you understand that people who see you riding know that you secretly have a ego to strong for your poor old, cholesterol filled heart, and make fun of you for being that old man that cruises through the park, going as fast as he can. Maybe also throwing down a sick 5050 on a 2ft wide box… legit. Lets not mention (and I am just speaking from what I’ve experienced at my own mountain) when you are riding towards that sweet rail you have been debating all day and there is a park crew working on the wedge, you decide it’s your seniority right to tell them to move. Therefore, everyone hates you. You are a person who ruins snowboarding for me. I am ashamed to share the same sport with a douche bag tool like you. So to sum it all up, I don’t care whether you wear a helmet or not, just that you realize you are not cool to make fun of the kids who are choosing to wear one…. some people might agree with you, but you are still one of the few people who decide they have to say something. Go ahead… but you look even more like a tool when you do. So, what’s the next blog going to be titled? Please do copy and paste the first post on here.

  28. boardjumpz
    boardjumpz says:

    My argument to A: Sure, wearing a helmet will help you a lot more during something like a car wreck, and that we would be safer to just keep one buckled on 24/7. But in my whole life I’ve hit my head while driving a car one time. And I’ve probably hit my head while not snowboarding (everyday life) less than 25 times.
    But I have hit my head while snowboarding a lot (guessing about once every week or two for a good bonk, and once a season for a really good one).

    Also for mentioning: You can still ride powder and get fucked up by a tree; and Seinfeld made a good point-quit snowboarding, or at least let natural selection weed out the dumb ones (in this case, a)

  29. IaMcOOl
    IaMcOOl says:

    Snowboarding is better when I don’t pay attention to idiots that write verbal diarrhea in an attempt to educate you about cultural crap that only matters to fashion queens. Glad I can still ignore it all when I ride. Fuck you.

  30. IaMcOOl
    IaMcOOl says:

    a- I’m older and gnarlier than you. I rarely wear a helmet but never bag on anyone who does. I hike alone with no fucking transceiver, buddy or anal probe, but I have all that shit for when I need it, which is decided upon by me, not some fuckface who gives old snowboarders like me a bad name. Fuck all of you douche nozzles trying to tell people what snowboarding is about and how to be cool in it. I do what I want and encourage everyone to snowboard how they want, tindy, alpine, boardfuckingcross, rail dancer queen, guru lou backcountry granola, gangsta box slayer, booter beater, family lesson, it’s ALL COOL. Fucking dorks talking shit…..oh I’m a hypocrite!

  31. minnesotanice
    minnesotanice says:

    I love my low backs. I wear a helmet sometimes, mainly when hitting park jumps or if its crowded and I feel unsafe due to kids being out of control all around me.

  32. Ben R
    Ben R says:

    two comments… first of all… none of this column matters…none of it. Snowboarding is about having fun doing what you love… if you want to grab tindy…then do it … fuck what anyone else thinks. I couldn’t care less what anyone else on the hill thinks of me, I’m much too old for that.

    Second point… Helmets save lives fools. anyone that bags on wearing a helmet is a moron. I ride pow, park…everything wearing a helmet now… after a few solid crashes that dented the helmet I will never go back… a dented helmet = a cracked skull or worse without the brain bucket. If you don’t want to wear one…fine, it’s your skull.. but perpetuating this bull shit myth that wearing a helmet isn’t cool is bunk… ask KP if you doubt me…dude wouldn’t be alive without his.

  33. AA
    AA says:

    Snowboarding isn’t anything other than snowboarding.
    It is not a fashion statement.
    It is not a lifestyle.
    It is not socially relevant.

Comments are closed.