HOW TO TOTALLY WIN A SNOWBOARD OFFA SHAYBOARDERS’S TWITTER GIVEAWAY

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With unbiased product reviews, insightful commentary, and totally really fun boarding reports, Shayboarders is recognized the e-Nets round as the Number One SnowBlogger of All Fucking Times.  Totes legit; every word gospel.  She don’t fuck around: a hard-hitting box of honesty.  It may come as a surprise, then, to find out that her famous Shayboarders’s TwitterBoardGiveaways aren’t really giveaways–she doesn’t just hand out boards to just any Chad just walking around: you gotta earn these things.

So listen the fuck up, all you non-sponsored and/or poor motherfuckers, as I hep you to the board-winning scene.  Shayboarders’s BoardTwitterGiveaways are the only contest that’s not rigged (yobeat’s current Nike sham included), so your effort and preparation will matter.  Really, there’s only one thing you must remember, and it’s agonizingly simple:

Firstly:  Dedication.

You must read Shayboarders every day.  Every fucking day.  Guys it’s really important.  I’ve heard it said that she’s the anal thermometer of snowboarding (or something like that)–a true measure of what’s really going down.  If there’s a binding you need to LOVE, a board you need to LOVE, or an earbud headphone nail file collabo tee you need to LOVE, you’re going to find out about it on Shayboarders.  There might not be a twitterboardgiveaway M-F, but you can always read some bored actionwakeboardsalesman’s take on the ever-fascinating EDUCATION VS. EXPERIENCE interview question or stay up on what’s happening with some random people on some shitty mountain somewhere.  Shayboarders is, as they say, the motherfucking business.  Religiously reading Shayboarders will put you in the proper mindset AKA mentality AKA psycheplain.  SIDE_NOTE: the real motherfuckers read it aloud.  In the nude.

ONE: Location.

When Shayboarders comes to town, you must be ready.  With a plan.  Instead of driving around checking your smartphone for twitterupdates, criss-crossing around the city like a motherfucking squirrel, just start out where she’s going to be.  And where will she be?–she will be at the park.  Shayboarders only gives snowboards away in big parks.  Me?–I got lucky.  I chose my apartment a few years ago due to its proximity to a park with a reputation for clandestine latenight-in-the-bushes mansex.  Turns out it’s also my city’s most famous and centralized park, and the prime location for a Shayboarders TwitterBoardGiveaway.  Boom.  Playing zone defense, I was instantly at an advantage to catch whatever Chinese crap board she was dumping.  There’s no reason to waste your time doing anything other than maybe asking a few people “what’s the biggest park in town?”  Make a note of it, and be prepared to swoop the secondhand cosmetic defect snowboard of your dreams quickly and easily.

So, yeah.  The park.  She’ll be at the park.  She’s always at the park.

1: Patience.

I made the mistake of actually checking Shayboarders’s first two twitterclues, and rolled through the park finna scoop that shit all quick-like, but she was nowhere to be found.  I thought I said she was going to be in the park?  What the fuck?  Where was she?  (My new thought: [x] RIGGED.)

My zeal was unnecessary: she only breaks the goods out at the third clue (she told me so guys, she told me so).  She lays back in the cut.  Chills.  Ever the shrewd marketer, she lets the twitterhunters work themselves into a frenzy: “@#@#shay_boarders: r u @ da mall?,” “#@@boardgottcurvz: ur in da city hall I bet also whattup with beebers hair??:)”  Because there’s no twitterboardgiveaway gaming commissioner yet (sign petition here), she’s been able to get away with this total horseshit.  But, whatever: go take a crap.  Kill some time.  You need only to show up at the main part of the mainest park after her third clue (approximately a half-hour into the contest.  Plan your other errands accordingly.)
Because you live so near (see point ONE), it’s nothing to just hop on your BMX bike and go grab your prize.  Look for the chick with the snowboard in the park, that’s her.

One: Oh Yeah You Should Totally Have A BMX Bike.

BMX bikes are the safest and fastest way around your city.  Nothing bad can happen on a BMX bike.

And Finally, Key #1: After You Claim Your Rightful Property, ePay It eForward.

You’ll have to make some small talk, probably about snowboarding, twitter, or the weather.  This may be even more uncomfortable than it sounds, especially if you’re not into any of those things and you’ve called Shayboarders out for being a pay-for-praise hack in the past (which was cruel–you shouldn’t’ve did that).  Pose for a pic, try not to vomit when she says you “look like a snowboarder,” and be out.  Your job is done.

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photo: Shayboarder

Problems may arise if you just cannot ride your new board, however.  I won’t ride this board.  It’s made in southern California, not China.  What the fuck?  Southern California?  The fuck they know about snowboards?  I only ride the Chinese shit–Merv 4 Lyfe!

The dude what made this board always seemed cool, but he married that chick Kennedy.  She duped all sorts of nerds my age by showing up on MTV with the glasses and the librarian quirky chick who was into cool music thing (HAWT!), but turned out to be a gnarly Christo-Republican.  I’m sure the board rides fine (all snowboards ride fine), but there’s no way I could enjoy myself on it, knowing that it was pretty much supporting the destruction of My Whole Life.  (Yes, that’s how my brain works–even though this board is made in the USA, by LEGIT OG LOCS, probably with responsible construction processes, it’s pretty much a rollerblade to me.  I’m fucked.)  I like the RSS feed icon graphic, but that’s not enough.  I just can’t ride it.
Shayboarders requests that if you don’t want the board, or you’re not going to ride the board, that you give it to someone that will.  I’m from the e-Nets, and I respect The Rules.  Her giveaway: her rules.

Send your “why I need that board” sob story to [email protected]  I will give it to the #3 Most Needingest Person, or have my own scavenger hunt for it or some shit.

Thank you for reading and good luck and OMG La Nina bros I’m so stoked,

A.

UPDATE: The board has been given away. Congratulations to “Skunky J” for winning. For all the entries and an in depth analysis, please visit http://flawsyfiles.blogspot.com

18 replies
  1. guhh
    guhh says:

    isn’t lipton on some eat.pray.love soul search? who else is so infatuated with bedding shayboarder at yobeat to write this?

    • admin
      admin says:

      Hahaha. It’s a new guy. Not sure we’re gonna let him write again, but he wanted to giveaway the board in style so we let his grammar slide.

  2. Jason P
    Jason P says:

    Hopefully you made that clear to him prior to posting that comment, or he’s probably sitting in his bedroom now overlooking the park and welling up with tears about not being able to write for YoBeat anymore…
    Now that I think about it, that makes for a pretty funny mental picture.

  3. Reverend ROG
    Reverend ROG says:

    You got blinded by the light and are all set to pull the chain? Horbs. Read it over slowpokes…e-nets BEEN hittin levelles…maybe you were sleepin…15 years and get back to me…

  4. a.
    a. says:

    THIS AINT NO SPELLING BEE
    IT IS A BOARDWINNINGCONTEST
    THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU IDIOTS
    FREE BOARD. UNLESS I CANT SCROUNGE ENOUGH CANS TO PAY FOR SHIPPING. BUT STILL. S.O.B. STORIES LET’S HEAR EM.

    PROLLY ALL OVER TODD RICHARDS CHINESE GIVEAWAY LIKE CRAZY, THINKING IT’S NOT RIGGED. THIS ONE IS REAL.

    ALLCAPS MEANS I AM NOT FUCKING AROUND EEEEEEEEE

    KIDS THESE DAYS UGGHHH

  5. el porto
    el porto says:

    This is a great idea…donate the winnings!!!!
    Great story and generous offering…..
    If it was something worthwylde…I would sign up for a tweeter..or whatever this giveaway requires.
    I do need to make a stool so my kid can crawl into bed…does this qualify me to win?

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