A Murderous Hump Day with Ted “Bundy” Borland

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ted_homepage

Soak it in people, Ted “Bundy” Borland is on the rise.

You’ve all heard of Scott Stevens, Chris Beresford and Chris Grenier, but now it’s time you got to know Ted Borland real well. He’s tall as hell, has self proclaimed retard strength and as Harrison Gordon put it, “He does every trick I want to try better than I can do it before I even try.” With no look, gimmick or flare to fall back on Ted “Bundy” Borland relies on his talent, skill and ability to not give a shit about much of anything to climb the political ladder that is the snowboard industry. Watch out for this kid, he’s already got a Pipe 2 Pipe win under his belt, he’s yet another Brighton Park Crew shredder, he’s hard at work at Salt Lake Community College and won’t stop snowboarding in fear of having to find a real job. Ted’s not going anywhere, anywhere but up.

How did you get the nickname Ted Bundy?

A long long time ago when I was a camper at Windells Nate Farrell was my coach and he asked me my name. I told him it was Ted and he called me Ted Bundy right off the bat. Somehow people found out and people didn’t even know my last name was Borland after that.

Do you slay snowboarding or babes harder?

Uh, I guess snowboarding because I don’t slay babes very well.

Ted Bundy did.

Yeah, I try to stay away from his methods.

ted_backtail

That is how you backtail. Don’t do it any other way or you aren’t doing it right.

Why are you so old looking?

I dunno, probably because I can grow facial hair pretty quick and the size thing.

Did you film this year?

Yeah for Variety Pack. Oh and Bundy Vision. Bundy Vision is the shit. I’ve always made little movies and Bundy Vision is like a full length movie of me and my friends. I’ve got DVDs coming. I’m going to give them away, but campers can buy them.

Why are you still snowboarding?

I’m trying to avoid a real job for as long as possible. I had an ice cream shop job at 14 and since then I’ve quit every other job after like two months.

ted_forever_kink

Rail progression is getting stupid quick. Kinks are out, drops are in.

You seriously don’t care about your “outfit”, why not?

I dunno man all those trends you gotta be a certain size to go with the trend. I can’t wear tight pants because I’ll look like a freak. I can’t wear baggy pants because it’ll just be ridiculous, I mean I’m six foot three and a half.

Was a big boy like you a super jock in high school?

I was a goalie in soccer for like ten years. I kicked ass because I had long arms. I hated basketball, and I don’t like baseball, so, you know.

What is the sketchiest situation you got into this past winter?

Fuck I dunno? Probably any time I go to a party with Eddie Grams, aka Horny Eddie…

ted_jumpin

Kid can slide rails, kid can grow fast, kid can jump big jumps. What a talent!

Have you ever murdered a woman?

No.

Have you ever considered murdering anyone?

Yes.

What did you think about?

Dude the way that Ted Bundy murders people is so fucked up, have you seen that movie? I would try to avoid doing anything like that.

Where would you hide the body?

Up here would be a pretty good place (high above the timberline on Mt. Hood).

ted_tweak

Tweaker Ted Bundy over the goth kid hangout spot.

If you could kill anyone in SLC who would it be?

Oh, um, fuck, can I get back to you on that one?

Would you rather kill Sean Black or Shaun White?

Sean Black.

Rumor is you have a giant purple truck.

It’s not giant, it’s pretty little actually, which is funny because I’m pretty tall. It’s the Purple Thunder.

What’s up with the Purple Thunder?

It’s sick. I bought it from some dude in SLC. It barley had any miles on it. It’s candy paint purple, it has a system, an eight-ball shifter, truck box and four wheel drive. Shit’s dope. Thing bumps. The guy was from Miami.

ted_tweak_2

New nickname, Tweaker Ted.

How do you feel about the Mormons in Salt Lake?

They suck. They ruin everything.

Top five things they have ruined in Salt Lake?

Beer, women, rules on Sunday, I dunno, pretty much everything.

Would you rather kill Sean Black or a Mormon?

Sean Black.

ted_closeout1

Closeout over the bush to the curb. Didn’t we use to call that “Hesh”?

How did you lose your virginity?

I think I was at a party. I randomly started getting down with this girl on a couch. Wait, I think it was in the bathroom actually, I think I was sitting on the toilet.

Since you’re so large do you have a large penis?

Um, no.

Would you take a lame sponsor for money?

Would I or have I? I rode for Banshee Bungee this year. Pretty much just for money.

What are the downsides to being so tall?

Random people just come up to me and ask me how tall I am. Like I’ll be in the lunch line and the guy next to me will just say, “So hey, how tall are ya?” So that gets annoying.

ted_smallstance

Two inches of glory.

If you were going to kill Sean Black how would you do it?

I dunno, there would be so many ways that would be sweet. Snakebite? I dunno, that would probably be a long thought process. I’d make it count.

Would you rape and murder him Ted Bundy style?

No.

Do you have any real expectations for your snowboard career?

Not really. Hopefully people will like watching me snowboard, that’s all I can hope for.

Sponsors?

LibTech, Celtek, Dang, Cobra Dogs um I can’t remember, I think that’s it.

33 replies
  1. matty mo
    matty mo says:

    fuck yeah Ted, Cobra Dogs team rider right there ….. be on the lookout for the Ween Team doing big things!!

  2. Durell
    Durell says:

    Hell ya Bundys! the fuckin man. Nick you left out the fact that he might be the only person on earth to shotgun a beer with every single finger.

  3. Z
    Z says:

    Haha, he calls Banshee Bungee a lame sponsor, but claims Cobra Dogs as legit. Sickkkk dude. BallPark Franks taste WAY better fool

  4. Z
    Z says:

    tdkyle, you must like to sit on Cobra Dogs if you’re too stupid to know I was making a joke because Ted clowned on Banshee Bungee for being a “lame” sponsor, yet he reps a hot dog cart. I don’t care if that shit tastes like kobe beef, claiming a legit snow/skate product like Banshee Bungee as “lame” is flat out stupid. I saw one of the Tapout owners shredding at Big Bear. Does that make them badass? Just because the owner of Cobra Dogs shreds doesn’t make being sponsored by them any lamer than Totinos Pizza Rolls or Matador Beef Jerky. I think Ted is mad that Banshee cut his ass. Just sayin…

  5. luke
    luke says:

    z you got it all wrong. cobra dogs are fucking amazing. and being sponsered by cobra dogs is soo much more legit the pizza rolls, and the fact that you would say that is embberising. cobra dogs is run by two legittt dudes, no coproate big shots. cobra dogs ftw

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