Get Cool with the Hipster Look

gethip

Yobeat wants you to achieve your snowboard dreams, and our advice is to fake it ‘till you make it by going hipster. Afraid of rails? Dress like a coked-out chick and 5-0’s are all people will expect from you. Hate big jumps? With painted on pants and a leather coat you’ll never have to leave the ground again because, “Only jocks hit jumps.” Maybe you’re just not very talented? Nothing hides that better than the hipster look. So start next year, or this summer, onboard the hipster train and watch your street cred’ skyrocket. Here’s how to do it…

Get Your Pants Right:

Nothing is more important than your pants, and obviously tighter is better. But you can easily fuck this up. Think you’re pants are tight because you bought some ladies Holden pants, Airblaster slacks or Krew Denim? Or maybe mom sewed up your gear? Nope, either way you fucking blew it. Buying shit is uncool. Receipts are evidence that you’re not sponsored. Also, mom’s sew-up job turned your normally uncool pants into bellbottoms, an obvious leap in the wrong direction–more on that later. What you need is that painted on look. Not a waterproof pair of tights or bellbottoms. Do your knee’s bend in those things? Fuck no, so you’re doomed to disco spins on the fun box and missed grabs. You want to look the business right? Our advice, paint ‘em on, use waterproof acrylics.

Grow Facial Hair:

Ever notice how coffee shops are filled with mustaches and beards? Those dudes are hipsters, copy them. If you can grow a big mustache or beard, do it now. Don’t fret if puberty let you down, mustache wax and a sharpie work wonders, also; mascara is cheap as hell. Hip facial hair has rules though. Don’t you dare grow a goatee, chin strap or soul patch. Those are for gangsters, guidos and people that call you “fag” now.

Your mark:

Tattoos, broken teeth, rings, trinkets and many other items of flare are massively important in directing attention away from your inability to shred and onto your ability to look cool. Also, you can chop your subpar video part up with excess lifestyle if you look interesting. Even riders with actual skill do this. For examples check out Jon Kooley’s intro in that one People movie or Jarad Hadi’s intro in Skeleton Crew.  But, if your body’s a temple and you’re afraid to break some teeth you’ll have to take the dirty road. Up and coming O-matic ripper Billy Mackey has more rings and trinkets on his hands and in his hair than most jewelry stores. As a hipster your options are endless because you’re so fucking creative.

Music:

What’s on your ipod is officially crucial to your existence. Here’s the breakdown; 20% Rap, 10% Electric (But it’s old and you hate it now), %10 New Wave and %60 garage rock and/or the many sounds of the british invasion. Defy this breakdown and you’re cover is blown. Disco is a no-no, and if caught wearing bellbottoms and listening to disco you’re going to have to forgo hipster and latch onto the eccentric look. For added believability become a music snob. Scoff at friends choice in music regularly. Top hipsters have an explanation and analysis for why “your” music sucks. WARNING: The eccentric look requires actual snowboard skill, otherwise you’re just a douche bag.

Cigs and Booze:

When in public smoke cigs as much as possible. In the car, in the lift line, on the chairlift, on the run, in the lodge, at home, while setting up a rail, before eating, during eating, after eating and at the bar are all great places to smoke. Smoke any cigarette that is offered to you, but do not purchase Camel crushes or any other cigarette besides Camel Lights, Full Flavors or Marlboro Reds. Girls are allowed to smoke American Spirits, Laura Hadar made this OK. In regards to booze you better drink it. Drink as much as you can. But be weary, there are rules. Never appear drunk unless you are the drunkest. Be known as the guy who is either in control or in handcuffs, you determine when either is appropriate. Also, brag about the amount of whiskey, wine and Pabst you consumer on a daily basis. This will make you appear tough and cool to people who care about their health. You can also lie about your lack of skill and claim to be drunk.

Emotions:

You don’t care about anything. Life’s pointless and you’ve known that since you read Nietzsche in Junior High, or since Mommy left Daddy. You’re just gunna’ have fun until you keel over.

Follow these guidelines and watch the doors open. Companies will hire you because you look cool. Girls will wanna make-out because you’re the bad boy. People will include you because you look like fun. Just don’t forget, only a small percentage of hipsters will ever be good at snowboarding, win a fight against a jock, or keep up appearances long enough to trick the masses, but good luck.

26 replies
  1. gram
    gram says:

    “Receipts are evidence that you’re not sponsored.” Use them as rolling papers, because cigarettes are too expensive. Done. High fashion hipsters are called “rich.”

  2. paul
    paul says:

    ben hucke on yobeat! just watched the car-crashing-bike-flying video, fucking crazy. maybe even more so than this essay on coffee drinkin fixed gear riders.

  3. Jessica Dalpiez
    Jessica Dalpiez says:

    You should also add that being a helmet barney is now cool as long as you’re a tight-panter and wear your helmet under your hoodie got get that epic bobble-head look when 5-0ing 9 stairs.

  4. Drew
    Drew says:

    I think I read this in an angry interns article from around 2004 or so. And again in 2006, and then every year since.

  5. 720boardshop
    720boardshop says:

    I personally like all of Billys Gemstone rings and trinkets makes me feel like he might have been a pirate and stole all that booty from some ship belonging to a fancy king or something

  6. Nor'east Fucktard
    Nor'east Fucktard says:

    I wonder if my local financial institution gives hipster loans so I can achieve this transformation as smoothly as possible?

  7. alex burton aka skrewball savage
    alex burton aka skrewball savage says:

    ^^^^^ hahah nailed that one to the cross jordan. strong call out bud.

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