10 Ways to Make Snowboarding Rad Again


Snowboarding is fucking weak. Seriously, in the hierarchy of radness, snowboarders are just above ultimate fighters and just below NASCAR drivers. There was a time when snowboarding knelt before no one (except skateboarding and surfing, obviously. And street luge). Reputable companies like Totino’s wouldn’t get anywhere near snowboarders. Only Juicy Fruit gum had those kinds of nuts. But really wasn’t it better back then? In an effort to regain some of the edge I’ve come up with 10 easy ways to get snowboarding back on the badass side of cool.

1.  Every time you get on a chairlift with a stranger wearing skis, drop the phrase “I mean it’s not like she’s really pregnant. She can have a couple beers.”

2.  Launch a grassroots anti-helmet campaign targeting tweens and their totally gay parents.

3.   Fashion smoking. Fashion drinking. Fashion getting your underage daughter drunk and taking advantage of her on the school ski club outing.

4.   Handguns

5.   Commission Sean Cliver to illustrate a children’s board line.

6.   To build on its fear-based branding, CAPiTA releases the Middle America series featuring the Flag Burner 151, Planned Parenthood 155 and Tower Bomber 160.

7.   Roxy hires Roman Polanski to direct the next team video.

8.  Take up active littering. Don’t act like you dropped that beer can or that cigarette. Be proud, son.

9.   Shaun White: Gator II

10.  Following his mild success on Dancing With the Stars, Louie Vito starts tap dancing as a warm up and chooses to ride the Olympic qualifiers in blackface.

30 replies
  1. hey doucher
    hey doucher says:

    its funny cus actually none of this is badass. well, i cant say none of it is, but all of these things together, especially to a stranger, if you are carrying around with a little notepad with these things on it, would most assuredly give people the impression that snowboards are inbreeding, redneck, and overall fucking stupid…not badass..there is a difference that only some can see, many rednecks think they are badass, but really they are just rednecks. so apparently rumor boy is a hardcore daughter fucker and enjoys getting her pregnant every other year. IF you actually read this and think that doing some of these things are badass. you will never be badass. and writing a story about trying to be badass will also never ever make you badass. its great there are so many unbadass people in the world. so that the other ones stand out so much. thanks for staying redneck.


  2. Plugs
    Plugs says:

    Just fucking snowboard on the streets, smoke butts, drink too much, and party too hard and the rest will fall into place…except your fabled snowboard career. That is dead.

  3. Blake Geis
    Blake Geis says:

    “fuck cops”

    wow, you are such a badass for calling out cops on a website they don’t even look at. you were just born to be a badass weren’t you?

  4. Vince
    Vince says:

    You’re on the right track here. You can’t stop what’s coming and you can’t get it back, either. For snowboarding to get rad again for real, it will have to die and be reborn.

  5. to blake geis
    to blake geis says:

    nope im not badass at all, i really fucking hate cops…and the fact that cops dont look at this doesnt matter, because anytime anyone has ever written on a website or spoken the phrase “fuck cops”…cops probably dont look at it or hear it, cus no one says that to a cops face. I just wrote that as kind of a goodbye on my comment.


  6. Jimbo
    Jimbo says:

    Burtons “porn boards” are softcore BS at best. And to answer your question christompson, I give you the following:

    Last years Rome boards featuring bases reading “LIVE NUDE GIRLS” and “BENT OVER BABES”
    Last years Capita boards featuring the “poor little rich girl” graphic
    This years SMOKIN Snowboards limited edition decks with pot leaves plastered on it like makeup on Mimi Bobecks face.

    And seriously, were promiting Incest on here now? That alittle past badass

  7. Phiasco
    Phiasco says:

    I believe when he said “Fashion getting your underage daughter drunk and taking advantage of her on the school ski club outing.” he wasn’t referring to his own daughter but someone else’s daughter like say a middle aged skier, and how we should rub it in their faces, hence the word “fashion”. But since this does seem to be satirical writing I don’t know why everyone is getting their panties in a bunch anyway. Just the bit about Shaun White becoming the “Gator 2” was enough to make me crack up. Lets chill out this site is about “making fun of snowboarding”, isn’t it?

  8. christhompson
    christhompson says:

    Jimbo, I was well aware of the Rome and Capita boards, but I’m sure the text of ‘nude girls’ isn’t nearly as offensive/awesome as the real thing, regardless of whether or not it showed nipples. What are we, the MPAA? Did it piss people off? Yes. Did the Rome and Capita boards get an angry mob denouncing them? No.

  9. milksteak
    milksteak says:

    “because anytime anyone has ever written on a website or spoken the phrase “fuck cops”…cops probably dont look at it or hear it, cus no one says that to a cops face.”

    ..NWA is gonna be pisssed

  10. symbolism
    symbolism says:

    I can’t speak for the writer but it is my take that he did not mean for everyone to go out and do these things exactly par say. It is getting the point across that snowboarding is not how it used to be and we might have to resort to extreme measures such as these. Snowboarding has become shaun white. Lame. The image of snowboarders has become less interesting and more soulless like gingers. I don’t know if snowboarding will ever get what it had back but for now it is a fact that someone awesome needs to come along and fuck up shaun white and bring back badass. Maybe not have sex with underaged sluts and destroy the planet but I believe that is close enough.

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