Mountain Sexy Time

resortfuck2

Illustration: Tom Lenartowicz

By Skip Savage

Snowboarding is a lot a woman.  You need to wear the right protection before getting deep in her wet stuff and you rarely get the top notch quality without a bit of practice and know-how.  Snowboarding is also a fickle bitch, though her rewards are usually worth the work.  But which destination would be the best to stick it in and make sexy time with?

The Rockies

colorado-mason

Mason Aguirre. Photo: Zimmerman

The Rockies are the classy older lady. Clad in black. Intelligent, witty and knows a trick or two in the boudoir.  Unfortunately harsh winters and multiple food options see her stack on the pounds and her attempts to cover her cellulite riddled thighs with designer outerwear continue to fail. The vast numbers of heinous obese middle class Americans in her midst make her seem more attractive than she is.

East Coast

killington-peak

photo: johndavidgeery.com

The East coast ice zone is a horrible creature.  Fortunately she knows how grotesque she is and is likely to comp you by getting on her knees.  If the boss of the world’s biggest snowboard brand’s squeeze is anything to go by — then talent is not abundant in this neck of the woods.

Canada

canada

photos: Scott Connerly

Canada is a women with wide open places and too many forests to count.  Constantly living in the shadow of America, she is likely to give it up easily.  Just like the fat girl who made lackluster attempts at self maintenance during High School.

The Swiss Alps

swiss

photos: Zimmerman

St Moritz is the slutty, over-the-top whore star of the snow world.  Attractive, tanned, shaved and always wet.  Sound good? Well she is.  Her only respite is that she knows how gorgeous she is and you will grow weary listening to her self-indulgent babble.  If you removed her voice box she would be the clear winner, but unfortunately playing surgeon with a girl’s throats is classed as murder.  Damn you judicial system, damn you to Hell.

Eastern Europe

easterneuro

Photos: Murduck

Eastern Europe is medieval, carefree and naive.  She is behind socially, mentally and fashion wise, but who cares? Take her out for some cheap Pilsner, enthral her with tales of the western world, and have her ski boots and ugly neon one piece on the ground before the suns even set for the day.  A safe and easy option.

Alaska

alaska

photos: Zimmerman

Alaska is one manly lady. She’ll manhandle you in ways you didn’t know possible and emasculate you with her rugged peaks. Not tempting? Well, if you got her pregnant you could take heli boarding in an avalanche zone for a DIY abortion. That has got to count for something.

Japan

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photos: Geery

Japan is sexy but not aware of her beauty – Something that can be exploited.  Come to Japan any time during winter and realize your wildest Manga Kabuchi dreams.  Face shots both on and off the slopes.

Scandinavia

scandinavia

photos: Zimmerman

Scandinavia is hands down the best bet out there. Blond-haired, blue-eyed and highly fuckable with a ‘relaxed attitude’ toward swapping fluids.   Unfortunately, nothing is that perfect, and here’s the kicker.  The so-called universal health care system in Scandinavia is so damn good for a reason – If she doesn’t have aids then it’s sure to be syphilis, but then again, maybe it is worth it.

24 replies
  1. Turd Ferguson
    Turd Ferguson says:

    Between this bullshit and Pat’s videos it’s becoming more and more apparent that Brooke will post nearly anything on this website.

  2. Raze
    Raze says:

    Please get an actual editor who understands proper spelling and grammar. You guys keep fucking up basic English and it’s pathetic (free lesson: “it’s” is the contraction of “it is” while “its” is the possessive of the pronoun “it”).

  3. Jack
    Jack says:

    Grammar Patrol! Burton doesn’t make you guys come in on the weekend? Must be nice to post from the comfort of your own home.

  4. admin
    admin says:

    Raze, where do you see it’s and its misused in this piece? Maybe we should hire you to copy edit. It pays in stickers. Well, only if you do a good job.

  5. Person 2
    Person 2 says:

    admin, to clarify for raze, in the scandy paragraph, last sentance: “If she doesn’t have aids then its sure to be syphilis” should read “If she doesn’t have aids then it’s sure to be syphilis”

  6. scott
    scott says:

    while this could undoubtedly go into more depth/be funnier, you’ve angered the armchair quarterbacks of commentville.

    i don’t think the small grammatical error is pathetic, in fact, i don’t care at all. i’m glad this was here, because it was a small gem for me to read while i was bored.

    beggars can’t be choosers, and this was free. you want grammar checking without expecting to pay for it? you want quality? subscribe to Nomenus Quarterly, it costs 6 thousand dollars and issue, and you don’t even get this many words, but i bet they never get its/it’s wrong.

  7. somedude
    somedude says:

    “Snowboarding is a lot a woman.” I’m not an English teacher but I did major in Communication and I think you forget the word “like” in there. Raze has a point seeing that the first line of this article isn’t even written correctly as a full sentence. To be completely honest, I do have too much time on my hands as I’m now an unemployed snowboarder due to the shitty economy. Forget the stickers, I’ll copy and edit for you for free if it gets my foot in the industry door.

  8. Swine Victim
    Swine Victim says:

    HOW COULD YOU FORGET TAHOE??? Tahoe is the supermodel who on occasion will give it up to anyone, but you have good chances becase she sticks around well into may

  9. Jimbo
    Jimbo says:

    Swine Victim while I cant agree more that Tahoe should be included you couldn’t be more wrong about her being a supermodel…

    The Sierras are like the punky “down to earth” rocked out chick with the choppy hair and a Tall Tee… Sure she can snowboard better than you, and thats sexy as hell. But be careful about getting too drunk and sleeping with her, because she’ll probrably steal your wallet when you pass out

  10. oater
    oater says:

    Comparing snowboarding to women? forgot to include tahoe? this was the biggest piece of shit I’ve seen on this site in months, and I’ll read anything. Guess we’re getting hard up waiting for snow, aren’t we?

  11. Swine Victim
    Swine Victim says:

    Jimbo, think a little less las vegas and reno and a little more TAHOE, ur gettin a twisted picture, sisterrrrr

  12. naughty pool boy
    naughty pool boy says:

    Between this bullshit and Pat’s videos it’s becoming more and more apparent that Brooke will post nearly anything on this website.

  13. jb
    jb says:

    When I finally get around once a week to checking our what’s happening in webland regarding snowboarding and skating I’m typically never ever ever let down by Brooke and Yobeat. Now if you’ll excuse me I have laughed coffee on my monitor while reading the above article time to clean that shit up.

Comments are closed.