Snowboarding is a lot a woman.Â You need to wear the right protection before getting deep in her wet stuff and you rarely get the top notch quality without a bit of practice and know-how.Â Snowboarding is also a fickle bitch, though her rewards are usually worth the work.Â But which destination would be the best to stick it in and make sexy time with?
Mason Aguirre. Photo: Zimmerman
The Rockies are the classy older lady. Clad in black. Intelligent, witty and knows a trick or two in the boudoir.Â Unfortunately harsh winters and multiple food options see her stack on the pounds and her attempts to cover her cellulite riddled thighs with designer outerwear continue to fail. The vast numbers of heinous obese middle class Americans in her midst make her seem more attractive than she is.
The East coast ice zone is a horrible creature.Â Fortunately she knows how grotesque she is and is likely to comp you by getting on her knees.Â If the boss of the world’s biggest snowboard brand’s squeeze is anything to go by — then talent is not abundant in this neck of the woods.
photos: Scott Connerly
Canada is a women with wide open places and too many forests to count.Â Constantly living in the shadow of America, she is likely to give it up easily.Â Just like the fat girl who made lackluster attempts at self maintenance during High School.
The Swiss Alps
St Moritz is the slutty, over-the-top whore star of the snow world.Â Attractive, tanned, shaved and always wet.Â Sound good? Well she is.Â Her only respite is that she knows how gorgeous she is and you will grow weary listening to her self-indulgent babble.Â If you removed her voice box she would be the clear winner, but unfortunately playing surgeon with a girl’s throats is classed as murder.Â Damn you judicial system, damn you to Hell.
Eastern Europe is medieval, carefree and naive.Â She is behind socially, mentally and fashion wise, but who cares? Take her out for some cheap Pilsner, enthral her with tales of the western world, and have her ski boots and ugly neon one piece on the ground before the suns even set for the day.Â A safe and easy option.
Alaska is one manly lady. She’ll manhandle you in ways you didn’t know possible and emasculate you with her rugged peaks. Not tempting? Well, if you got her pregnant you could take heli boarding in an avalanche zone for a DIY abortion. That has got to count for something.
Japan is sexy but not aware of her beauty – Something that can be exploited.Â Come to Japan any time during winter and realize your wildest Manga Kabuchi dreams.Â Face shots both on and off the slopes.
Scandinavia is hands down the best bet out there. Blond-haired, blue-eyed and highly fuckable with a ‘relaxed attitude’ toward swapping fluids.Â Â Unfortunately, nothing is that perfect, and here’s the kicker.Â The so-called universal health care system in Scandinavia is so damn good for a reason – If she doesn’t have aids then it’s sure to be syphilis, but then again, maybe it is worth it.