The Authoritative Guide to Product Reviews


Hello again snowboard land. I regret for being out of touch, as I have been focusing on climbing the retail clerk ladder at Zumiez. But I am compelled to share some thoughts on selecting snowboard equipment as the season change and my sales shift from board-shorts to beanies.

Pairing a kid with snowboard gear used to be straight-forward. If he is wearing a bunch of G-Unit/fancy baseball cap stuff give him some pro model board. Just like with basketball shoes, all the hood kids like that signature stuff. If the customer is wearing a vest and “accessories” such as feathers, give him a board that looks like it was designed by a six year old. 
But now, kids are coming with their own set of criteria for their equipment purchases. They are interested in crap like side-cut and bonus features. I can only attribute this to the abundance of “Product Reviews” from Internet sites such as Yobeat and Shayboarder. Thanks a lot assholes. Now I have to work for those commission incentives.

But a word to the wise, these product reviews should be taken with a grain of salt. Many of the claims of product reviews are bogus and lack any relevance to picking equipment. Here is what you need to remember when doing research for your next Mom and Me Shopping Spree.

-    It is unlikely that the reviewer actually tested the equipment. Rather, they read the product catalog and went from there.

-    Regardless of any claim, the reviewer was compensated for the publicity they gave the company.

-    Reviewees know that regardless of whether the reviewer liked the product or not, the reviewer will not acknowledge any negative aspects of the gear. Doing so would recant the potential of receiving free product in the future. Plus, you wouldn’t want to hurt your bro’s feelings.

-    The terms sidewall, camber, forward lean, effective edge etc. are all nonsense. The only thing that matters is the brand name.

-    Instead of reviews that make claims such as “quick edge-to-edge, stable at speed” etc., look for reviews that use hip lingo like “buttery.”

-    The more claims of “New Technology” the better. For 2010, look for reverse-reverse Wi-Fi capabilities.

-    The only “Product Reviews” you should consult are the ones conducted by some sort of celebrity or cool kid. Who cares if the Official Snow Sport Industry Association Organization Council Review Board liked the thing? Does the Council get a lot of chicks? No. But if Nick Lipton or Party Time Nate give it a thumbs up, you are good as gold.

Purchasing snowboard equipment is a complex and critical aspect of snowboarding. In fact, purchasing new gear and toting it around the mall is probably the best part of snowboarding. So I encourage you to heed my review guidelines, and remember when purchasing snowboard gear, hype over quality.

6 replies
  1. Jimbo
    Jimbo says:

    Who buys snowboards at a mall anyways? I feel like even if I were in the middle of a mall that was erected on top of a halfpipe at park city, I wouldn’t be able to help but laugh at the kid carrying a huge ass snowboard an all the associated gear through Bloomingdales….

  2. snowboarding has been canceled
    snowboarding has been canceled says:

    This is hilarious. Uncomfortably funny. It makes me wanna puke actually.

    Support your local independent snowboard shop!

  3. ds0588
    ds0588 says:

    i actually work at a zumiez and our company is amazing. we sell snowboards because we’re experianced in that field. we know about it, compared to going to a sports store like big 5 and not getting into the right gear, or having the right fitting boots, or the wrong board. Come into the local Zumiez in your area and check out what we have. Legit hardware for a legit season!!! happy boarding.

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