10 Reasons NOT to Move to Portland

portland

Like Breckenridge in the 90s or Mammoth in the early part of this decade, Portland has become the hot spot for snowboarding. It’s an interesting choice, since the mountain is actually over an hour away, but it seems that being hip and urban is in these days. But as a Portland resident who has lived here since before it was cool (but not actually a native, those are like unicorns), I am here to tell you Portland is TOTALLY overrated. Here are ten definitive reasons why.

1.    It rains

You’ve probably heard this rumor and it’s true. From Nov- March it rains pretty much every day. The worst part is all that rain is snow in the mountains, so you are pretty much ALWAYS forced to ride powder. Stupid northwest.

2.    Affordable housing

It’s actually possible to buy a house here, and with that comes all the headaches of home ownership. You’ll likely end up a slum lord, renting out your house all of your dirt bag buddies and actually paying less than you would to rent. Damn that responsibility.

food

3.    Really good, cheap food

Portland has more good, cheap restaurants than most places, which leads to two problems. The first is trying to decide where to eat, which can take longer than the eating itself, and two, you’ll probably get fat.

4.    Cheap beer

PBR is kinda of gross, but in Portland, you will be forced to drink A LOT of it, as it is available at basically every bar for $2 or less. Also, you will probably turn into a drunk living here.

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Summer at Mt. Hood. Photo Amy Galbraith

5.    Year-round snowboarding

It’s nice to be able to get away from snowboarding every one in a while, but here, the mountain literally never closes (well ok, it does for like a week sometimes.) There are also four resorts on Mt. Hood to choose from (3 you would actually go to) and all these choices get exhausting.

6.    Job opportunities

If you live in Portland, you might find yourself in a position that you actually want to get a job. Companies such as Bonfire/Salomon, Holden, Airblaster, Nike, High Cascade, Grenade, Atmosphere and more call the city of roses home. What is the world coming to when you get a job somewhere that you actually might WANT to go to work?

7.    Cool people

Seriously, people here are so cool. So if you don’t like hipster bullshit, you’ll have to actually find a group of the normal people who lurk in the outskirts to be friends and ride with. There are plenty of them.

photo4

photo: Jared Souney

8.    Tons of skateparks

If you’re a typical snowboarder, you probably think you like skateboarding, but are bad at it. So there’s a better-than-normal chance you will manage to hurt yourself skateboarding and then be out for the season thanks to endless free concrete parks.

9.    You don’t need a car

Having a car is awesome. You can get a bitchin’ one that chicks will dig and will probably get you laid. But here, you can ride your bike and take the Grease Bus to the mountain. This will probably not get you laid (or if it does, it will probably be by a snowboard chick.)

10.    We don’t need any more idiots

If you haven’t figured out by now that Portland is actually the greatest city to ever become “hip” in snowboarding, seriously, don’t move here.

26 replies
  1. Ian Macy
    Ian Macy says:

    Ever since I visited Portland at age 10, I’ve always wanted to leave Maryland. Fortunately I still get to visit sometimes and ride that NW pow. There are so many activities, loads of fully stocked thrift stores, tons of boarding, and while the natives tell everyone it rains ALL the time – the rest of the time it is 60 and blue bird. The beach is awesome trip if you like to look at it, but don’t plan on getting wet unless you are wearing a wetsuit. Its hilarious that Portland has about 3 snow plows. Last year if I remember correctly a foot or two shut the whole city down, because most people don’t know how to drive in snow or don’t have 4x4s… Oh and no sales tax for you cheap skates. Don’t worry, I’m “not” moving there, ever. Damn hipsters…

  2. Scatman Crothers
    Scatman Crothers says:

    Bend, OR.. Smaller, not as gay, very little rain, and 20 minutes away from better snow than Mt. Hood will ever see. hows that for hip.

    PS. you can buy meth at taco shops 24/7 in Bend. need i say more?

  3. ScrewBend
    ScrewBend says:

    Native.
    Also, it’s not 1.5 hours to the hill dipshit, unless you live in some shitty place like Beaverton. Also, Bend sucks. The mountain is crap and the “small town” thing is a joke, it’s just rednecks and preggo teens. Portland is a nice spot.

  4. Person
    Person says:

    According to mapquest.com it is 66.1 miles from the heart of portland to meadows. Traveling at an average speed of 50 miles per hour (which on a pow day would be amazing for rt 26) that equates to a 80 mins. Add in your trip through sandy, gresham and the multiple stops you will encounter, 1.5 hours would be a great time. ScrewBend, you are the dipshit.

  5. Person 2
    Person 2 says:

    ScrewBend, you sir, are and idiot.

    ps brooke branch out! i bet your good at other forms of comedy too!

    (no sarcasm)

    (k maybe a little)

  6. fooler
    fooler says:

    I have lived in Portland for over 10 years and go to the mountain 20+ times a year. In all that time I’ve only seen a few blue bird powder days worth bragging about.
    If you like riding mash potatoes/cascade cement while getting pelted with 50-70 mph sleet go ahead and move here.

  7. summit county dude
    summit county dude says:

    Fuck Portland and mold allergies! and while I’m at it fuck fixed gears with narrow bars, portland has more bike paths than any city I’ve ever lived in… you don’t need narrow bars cause your not weaving in traffic, you have miles and miles of bike lanes and paths! oh yeah you don’t need to roll up both pant legs while being hip on your fixie, your chain wont magically jump to the other side of your bike and catch your pant leg I promise. Oh yeah the fucking parks suck at hood until the summer and the palmer isn’t even open in the winter…

  8. blake
    blake says:

    screwbend you can eat a dick. you don’t know what the fuck you are saying…
    1) getting meth 24/7 and a burrito on the side is beyond the luxury of anything portland has to offer
    2) hicks are fucking sick, they will tow you around with their big trucks and think anything loose cannon is “fucking tite”
    3) bachelor shits on hood every day of the year… if you think otherwise it is because you are a jackass and because we don’t tell you how to find our good shit
    4) the wannabe small town crap is hilarious, you know it, i know it, and the fuckers marketing it to california know it
    5) bend is MILF city USA
    6) josh dirksen…. nuff said
    and
    7) please keep your opinion and stay out of Bend, we don’t like you either

  9. Dirty Nig
    Dirty Nig says:

    Portland is the shit.
    It sucks sometimes when it rains for 6 months straight.
    But Portland is the only place I ever want to live.

  10. Plugs
    Plugs says:

    Fuck this Vice/Street Carnage write up. No different than the whole NYC Shtick. Fucking lame. We get it, you like where you live.

  11. LumberJackJibber
    LumberJackJibber says:

    some of the best strip bars and slut chicks are in pdx… granted they all seem to ride fix’d beers and wear shitty tom’s shoes.

    how about doing a story on ‘the best slutty cities’?

  12. 503 Hulkster!
    503 Hulkster! says:

    “you are pretty much ALWAYS forced to ride powder”
    haha!
    if you wanna move here im sure you can find a link on this page to Brooke Geery’s house for sale.

  13. Rebecca
    Rebecca says:

    Other than actually listing legitimate reasons for not moving there, these reasons seem to all be personal…. This list actually makes me want to move there even more, so thanks for convincing me to move to Portland!

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