When I heard a woman had given birth to Jabba the Hut Jr. I knew Todd had to be in the loop. Why? Because Todd had babies once, and he’s seen the whole birthing process. Todd didn’t think it was that funny that a woman had pushed out a monster, he was more sympathetic, but either way, here is another edition of High Fives with Todd Richards.
1. Two weeks ago a woman gave birth to a 19 pound baby. What do you think she looks like now?
Todd: Well have you ever seen one of those inflatable sex dolls? I would imagine that her uterus and abdomen look like a deflated one of those. Talk about a kicked in cookie.
2. Generally speaking giant babies tend to die. Do you think this little sucker will grow to be some monster of a human, or just die in the coming weeks?
Todd: Hmm, giant babies, I don’t know what size constitutes a giant baby. I can only imagine big black being a giant baby and he’s not dead yet. His organs may be running on max, straining every muscle to the max, but not dead. It’s really hard to say, but a human beast that eats boob milk for breakfast, lunch, and dinner would drain a woman in ten minutes. So then starvation.
3. Reports say the baby has been eating at an almost constant rate. Could this be an example of human evolution? We will now be born unbelievably fat and hungry?
Todd: Yes it’s like that movie Wall-E where everyone loses function of their legs and then you are a sloppy blob. It’s like a crack baby, except you are addicted to Ring Dings.
4. Since super-baby was born so large do you think it is possible he is just a two year-old who was never pushed out?
Todd: Wow, I never thought about a womb with a view. Like a human kangaroo pouch. Hmm makes you think that Gary Coleman might be such a midget because he never moved out of “mom’s house” til he was 18.
5. As a father yourself would you be proud if you laid the seed that created a 19-pound baby?
Todd: High protein diet for sure. I don’t know if proud would be the word I would use. More like, responsible. a woman already goes through hell during child birth. Imagine giving birth to Gary Coleman? Or Louie Vito?