Old Gold: Director of Homeland Security Speaks Out on Burton


Original Publication Date: 2002

My fellow Americans, today I would like to bring to your attention an example of capitalist discourse far greater than the faulty accounting practices of Enron and Worldcom — a discourse more potent to the well being of our economy than a dosage of anthrax.

My fellow Americans, I am talking about the deterioration in the quality of the snowboarders used by the Burton Snowboards Corporation to promote the sale of their product.

Burton’s snowboard teams are not how they used to be. There is no longer the small band of solid riders representing the Corporation with the tenacity and mental diligence of a United States Marine engaged in combat. There is no longer the small, lethal, faction of rep riders responsible for representing the Corporation on the local level like our National Guard represents patriotism on every inch of soil of this blessed sacred land we call America.

The good old days are gone now and with the change in time so changed the goals of the Burton Snowboards Corporation. With strong profit earnings in the final quarter of the 1990s, Burton decided to super-size its team by way of acquiring halfpipe riders. By all accounts, minus the executives at the Burton Snowboards Corporations who made the call, the expansion was an absolute mistake. Senator Gibbons of Burlington, Vermont deemed it, “basically retarded.”

No longer can 15-year-old children experience the sheer the joy of fast-forwarding one of Whitey’s snowboard videos to their favorite Burton rider’s segment. Why is this so, a concerned snowboarder may ask? The answer: Because there are and never were Burton riders in Whitey’s snowboard videos.

One could easy hold responsible Al Queda and the terrorist attacks of 9-11 for this gross form of negligence. But I, along with my board of advisors and policy makers, believe that the fault lies within the constructs of team itself: A team consisting of eleven over-imaged type-casted riders extremely popular on foreign shores, but not on our own.

Solutions to clear this malady are few and far between. Unfortunately, for every day that this problem remains the market share owned by the Burton Snowboards Corporation will continue to diminish and total revenue incurred by the Corporation will thusly be out-weighted by the cost of daily operations and the price paid to the exorbitant contracts married to certain team riders exhibiting average snowboard ability.

This said, I challenge the Burton Snowboard Corporation to turn itself around and for it to regain the majority of the market share it once had. If the Burton Snowboards Corporation wants to remain a leading competitor in wake of the terrorist acts of September 11th it must relegate its entire Global Team — with exception to Gigi Ruf and Jussi Oksanen– to its Rookie Team and create a new team under a non-Burton name and sign to contract JP Solberg, JP Tomich, Henki Sorsa. Also it will be necessary to resign to contract Killington legend Jason Ware.

Failure to adhere to these terms and conditions proposed by my staff and I will surely ensure the demise of the Burton Snowboards Corporation.

In other words, if you can hear me Mr. Jake Burton, it is time to step up to the batter’s plate and for you to cut your ties with Osama Bin Laden. You can either hit a home run or a line drive. It is up to you. But just remember, “Carpenter,” my task force — compiled of eleven hundred reconnaissance Marines specialized in demolition and seventy-eight android-operated gun ships equipped with heat-seeking nuclear warheads — is watching.

— Tom Rydge, Director of Homeland Security

8 replies
  1. Jake Burton
    Jake Burton says:

    Ouch. I thought we were friends?

    Kingpin is right. I had plenty of riders in Whitey’s films. I even had a cameo dressed as a dog with a banana in it’s mouth.

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