Date Night Movie Review

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Summer is dead. It’s time for shitty weather, too many trips to the skate shop, new snowboard movies, and relationships. I hear Videograss is a blast, that Transworld made some sorta rad movie, Todd Richards has his own damn movie out, and all the other guys brought their bangers to the table too. I noticed something though, there are a lot of straight to DVD type shred flicks laying around. Everyone knows OutCold, and if you don’t that’s just weird, but there are all kinds of shitty movies trying to make a buck off of what we do. Recently I browsed the DVD section at the local flick store and found these “gems” that will be perfect for a date night.

First up: Frost Bite: 2005

Frost Bite is a wanna-be raunchy comedy that falls short in every possible way except for the amazing character JB, a few wonderful titty shots, and the inclusion of ex-pornsuperstar Traci Lords. Basically LA stoner/jock guy gets accepted to some super awesome snowboard academy (that is run by an Ex-Army Colonel). He and his obviously cute (and only non-playmate) in the movie move up to the mountains so he can chase down a Gold medal at the Olympics. You’ve got to remember, snowboarding in the Olympics was totally awesome back then and all the LA stoner/jock snowboard stars were all over that scene. Anyway, they get up there and the mountain is split between the cool dude academy rich kids and, you guessed it, the poor locals. The word “Bra” is thrown around an awful lot. Like, “Sup bra’s, ya’ll rippin’ the slopes lateski?” Back to the plot though. Main character Billy gets up there and all the “richies” hate him because well, he’s just so badass. There is a small hazing deal where the rest of the all-star academy team drops the pipe only to have no ability at all, Billy then follows with what I’m guessing was some hot shit for 2004. Eventually Billy joins forces with the locals and drops in on the gnarliest hill on the mountain. This gives the local crowd the ability to run the mountain, but of course there is a giant chinese downhill to settle the score once and for all. This is the coolest thing in the movie. Fights, weapons, blind people, horrible dialogue, and people literally shooting out of their bindings flood the scene. Billy then decides he wants to fuck his friend (the cute one) and then I think the movie ends.

Basic Plot: Classic Movie Plot + Johnny Tsunami + Ski Academy = Frost Bite 

By the Numbers: 0 smiles, 1 forced laugh, 8 real laughs (7 of which due to JB), five or six scenes with boobs (rad boobs), and one girl speaks with cum in her mouth. Traci Lords is in it and that is just plain awesome.This movie also gave me 1/2 of a boner once. 

Bonus: This movie blew it a lot. They used probably 75% Warren Miller footage and then inserted a few shots of Mammoth in what looked like June. The movie was actually made in Final Cut Pro, by 2004 standards that is hilarious. 

Best Quote: “What the fuck are you doing on ski’s you homo.” -The Colonel 

Date Worthy: For Boys: If you’re trying to land a respectable girl you better hope she’s a freak as every girl in this movie is a total slut. If you’re going for the girl that wants you because of your “sick dope moves” then yeah, rent it and get ready for a great night. For Girls: If you’re retarded then yes. If you just think boarding is so totally rad and a six pack and fake tan is the way a man should look, then double yes. If you’re a snowboard lady, not interested in watching real shred flicks with your current squeeze, then maybe. But this just doesn’t look promising for the lady rider, except that a really tall slutty girl rips down the mountain at one point. 

Next up we have: Winter Break: 2003

This is the worst movie I have ever seen. The box cover uses snowboarding and tits to lure you in, and then delivers the worst love story ever written or filmed. If we lived in Iran or one of those other crazy countries the director would be shot for creating this. The box cover even has the audacity to claim that Winter Break is, “Better than warm apple pie.” Yeah fucking right. The only comparison to pie in this whole movie is that guy from American Pie is in it, you know the ugly one that bones Stiffler’s mom, Finch. 

So the plot is basically this, a skier (and total loser) graduates college and after blacking out moves to Aspen with his good buddy (Finch) and the hippy/stoner guy that is supposed to stand in as comic relief. Well they get there, and get stupid jobs at Aspen. Grad boy decides he wants to stay and eventually falls for this sorta ok looking girl. Then over an hour goes by of him trying to land her and just not having the balls to do it. Towards the end of this steaming pile our main character gets a job in Seattle only to realize he needs to be with her, so he goes back, tells her, she says yes, then you kick a whole in your TV and throw it threw the window for having watched that movie. 

Basic Plot: Total asshole moves to Aspen to be a totally boring asshole and cry over a girl, then he gets her, the end. 

Bonus: There is an old couple that is kind of cool in this movie, and at one point a guy launches off a cliff that he can’t handle, but besides that this movie is worthless. The boobs on the cover are the best you’ll be seeing.

Best Quote: “You just wanted to fuck me first?!?” -from the girl Main Guy wants. 

Date Worthy: Boys: If you’re the sensitive boyfriend type, sure snuggle up with this one. On the other hand, if you have balls, kill yourself in the bloodiest way you can think of if you see this going towards the DVD player. Actually, this movie is really boring, maybe put it on and get “distracted.” For Girls: Trying to land a man? Watch this with him. If he makes it threw then you’ve found someone that reallllly loves you. For girls without agendas, that “distraction” might play in your favor too.

5 replies
  1. handsomericky
    handsomericky says:

    Alright Nick, how could you pass up the classic “Shredder”????
    Maybe you should make this a regular article…
    I love you

  2. Second Class
    Second Class says:

    Hahahaha saw these at the movie store once, turns out I was right on by just laughing at the covers

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