How to Start Your Own Company

crapcompany

There are many rites of passage in snowboardumb — first pow slash, losing your wallet on the slopes, “experimenting” with skinny snow pants, realizing that you are not that good — but perhaps the most momentous is starting your own snowboard “lifestyle” company. Even in these uncertain economic times, the demand for further saturating the snowboard industry with unoriginal companies is huge. In fact, economic experts agree that the key to surviving the lingering recession is to look for creative niches in thriving industries (Ed. Note: While the vitality of the snow industry is debatable, it is unlikely that your grassroots business endeavor would stand a chance in another industry, so you should stick to snowboarding). To aid you in the process of fulfilling your obligation as a snowboarder, Yobeat offers these tips.

Come up with clever name and logo. Before you have any sort of business plan, it is crucial to establish an identity. You have a couple of options in terms of naming your company. A popular route is a name that reflects your heritage, demographic, or place of snowboard. Another option are acronyms. And still another choice some witty combination of the words “shred, ride, snow, mountain, board, rad, pow, bro” or a word that you don’t know the meaning of. As far as a logo, just make a few tweaks to a preexisting logo and call it good.

Develop product. This is the easy part. Were it any other industry, you would have to do some serious brainstorming to come up with a unique product to sell in a time when no one wants to spend. But not in the snowboard industry. Snowboarders despise originality. All you need to do is select a product already offered by one of the thousands of other companies already out there. As it is unlikely that you have any financial backing or entrepreneurial savvy, hardgoods, outerwear, and accessories are not options. That means you will be making t-shirts! Hooray! All snowboarders like t-shirts. Especially crappy t-shirts made by their bros that they can claim to be sponsored by. Remember to cut costs by sourcing overseas (i.e. sweatshops) for your materials and that instead of having your goods professionally printed, you can just use some spray paint and markers.

Build a team. Because there isn’t a chance in hell that you are actually going to sell any product, it is important that you give away your goods to your bros. If your bro can do more than three tricks on a snowboard, bring him or her on as a “team rider” to spread the word about your sweet company. A lackluster team is an invaluable component of marketing your company. In addition to establishing credibility for your business, team riders serve as liasions to inform other people you already know of your company. This allows them to join the team and get free shirts as well.

Marketing. While most businesses devote much of their budget to marketing, we know that it is unlikely that your parents will pay to have stickers made for you. But the Internet has made it possible for anyone with an email address to share their company with the world. Create profiles for your business on social networks (e.g. Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, Flickr) and start a blog. Customize your profile and blog with a sweet background, wild widgets, videos and photos of team riders, and embed a music player with tracks by bands like Avenged Sevenfold and Saves The Day. Then spend an hour or two adding all of the friends of other snowboarders. Now that your profile and blog are constructed, forget the password to your account and never update it. There you have it: Marketing 2.0. Why waste time and money with an MBA when you have the Internet?

It’s as easy as that folks. A sure-fire strategy for snowboard significance. Note that nowhere in our business plan is there any mention of sales or generating revenue. That is not the goal here. The goal is to kill some time, occupy Internet space, and give your bros some shirts.

9 replies
  1. MAKINdollars
    MAKINdollars says:

    This article is like “The Prince” by Machiavelli or Sun Tzu’s “Art of War”, except for snow-dumbies.
    I feel like a lot of lives will be changed by this, perhaps Mr. Hart will get a column in the Wall Street Journal.

  2. joe buys alot
    joe buys alot says:

    Good advice there andrew. I am marketing fannypacks with your marketing advice. without your “how to sell swag bullshit like everyone else” I would not know what to do. Good luck with your t-shirts. mabye if there’s a grenade or skeleton on it, some 12 year old will ask their mom for 20 overpriced bucks to sport your lame ass company. wow

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