30s Thursday: Alternative Energy

energy

By Preston G. Strout

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Back in my day…  When people needed energy they went to sleep and then they woke back up. 8-hours later, you had energy.  Sure, it was a primitive process and very time consuming.  Nonetheless, sleeping grew to a multi-billion dollar industry selling beds, pillows, alarm clocks and pajamas, you name it.  Let’s face it — sleeping was flourishing.  Today, however, sleeping finds itself under attack by energy drinks.

Why is this happening?  Because sleeping doesn’t have any athlete endorsements.  No pro rider ever wears a beanie with a logo of a bed sewn onto it at the X Games, and nobody ever flaunts off their pillow on a podium by lying down and falling asleep on it.  Doesn’t happen.  While energy drinks were busy swooping up this market — sleeping got lazy.

Sleeping needs to step it up and educate us all on it’s benefits.  Heck, if energy drink marketing has taught us anything, it’s that professional snowboarders aren’t better than you at riding because of natural talent enhanced by years of shredding, but rather because they have MORE ENERGY THAN YOU.  More energy, means more skills.  Think about it.  Ever tried driving a car while you were falling asleep?  Not an easy task.  It’s simple: the more awake you are — the better you are at something.  Plus, who wants to catch some Z’s when you can catch some air?  Not most people.

Now, I’m not bagging on pro riders for having energy drink sponsors, I’m bagging on the sleeping marketing department for it’s lack of effort.  There’s a big difference between  a rider selling out and cashing in.  Energy drink paychecks are insane, and I’m all for snowboarders getting rich.   Hell, I’d probably drink cans of pig sweat for the amounts of cash being thrown around to endorse an energy drink.  All I’m saying is that sleeping needs to step up and start paying our heroes.

My 30-year-old advice to you:  Just ask yourself why you’re buying and drinking energy drinks.  Is sleep really that bad?  Do you really need more energy when you’re 15 years old anyways?  Please, never be confused that an energy drink is going to help your riding, and god forbid, never drink something named “full throttle” unless you have barbwire tattoos around your biceps.

Welp, it’s getting late, I’m gonna dust off my old energy bed and take an 8-Hour power nap.  Before I do (since sleeping doesn’t allow multi-tasking) allow me to make a few predictions on the future of energy products and offer up a recipe suggestion:

The Future of Energy
Energy Deodorant — your pits don’t stink, maybe they’re just tired!
Energy Sleeping Pills — once they knock you out they give you the energy you need to stay asleep!
Renewable Energy Drinks — Energy in, energy out, energy back in.
Energy Diapers — Infants need energy more than anyone, they’re ALWAYS sleeping.   Why take a nap when you can just take a crap?

Recipe Tip: 5-Hour Energy Jerky

If you plan on going snowboarding, you need energy.  Problem is, a lot of energy drinks freeze out there in the cold and it’s dangerous to sleep on the chairlift.  A simple solution is to combine an energy drink with beef jerky (both of which are available right at the counter of any convenient store).  Simply marinate the jerky for the drive up the hill and you’ve got a dried up piece of energy meat.  The longer you marinate, the more energy the beef jerky soaks up.  Don’t marinate the jerky too long though!  You don’t want that stuff coming back to life.

NOTE: This column is self-expressed opinion of the author, Preston Strout and does not necessarily reflect the views of the YOBEAT ad sales reps.  All energy drink advertising inquiries should be directed to we’[email protected].

8 replies
  1. dave
    dave says:

    Fuck it, just raise cattle on nothing but red bull. Then marinate the meat in monster and sprinkle with powdered rocksTar

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