The n00b in the Trailer Park

noobtrailer

Okay, now what the hell is going on?

We leave for a few weeks and all of a sudden YoBeat is a veritable trailer park – and not the fun kind with empty cans of High Life and sweet reservation fireworks. Why did every snowboard company/homie crew in the world put out trailers for their videos this week?

We suppose the logical answer is this: companies are saying, oh so subtly, “Snowboard season in America is over, so while we edit the video and the slackers get last-minute bangers, here’s a teaser. See you and your wallets again in October.” But logic has never been snowboarding’s strong suit (neither has it been the n00b’s) so we’re dumbfounded. But like the celebrity internet journalists we at the n00b aspire to be, we’ll gladly take time to comment on real work presented by others.

Firstly, remember you don’t actually need a video to make a trailer. A few weekends of filming HD time-lapses, tricks that are “just for fun,” some bails and dudes walking around with or without shirts will get you enough material you need. With enough quick cuts, people won’t even know you filmed it all on one mountain.

Pick a completely ludicrous song for the trailer. Would you put it in your iPod if you knew it was going to be used by a DJ at the club you’re going to later? If the answer is no, you’re golden. Make sure it’s something your teenage sister would listen to, whether she’s a pop-hipster or some weird emo vampire goth.

If you can’t come up with any songs like that, or you don’t have a little sister to suggest annoying techno-pop songs or underground internet DJs, go with obvious trailer songs like “Ride of the Valkyries,” “Mama Said Knock You Out,” or “Wild Thing.” While you’re at it, why don’t you really break the mold and use the theme from “2001: A Space Odyssey?” It’s not like that one’s ever been used before. And it’s hella sweet.

Spend at least as much time working on the titles and graphics as the snowboarders did on their tricks. Everybody knows a good snowboard video is more about effects than tricks. Moving on.

Think of at least three funny things to say. We say three because you need plenty of backup options. Not everybody can be drunk and witty like Ali Boulala circa 2001 and have kids worldwide saying, “My hass is out,” every time their pocket rips or their pants fall down. And make sure, unlike the beginning of the Isenseven trailer, your snowboarders know their funny “off-the-cuff” lines.

And never, never, never, never say anything about a “hard day at the office.” Not only is it the most trite, pretentious, 80s hair-metal band thing to say, but we at the n00b, and probably anybody else who actually has to deal with hard days in an actual office, will rise up and slay you.

Our final tip: release your trailer two to four weeks after another company’s major release. That way, you’ll ride the swell after the novelty wears off. After skateboarders got done cleaning the “Fully Flared” out of their sheets, they wanted something new. Be that something new, so the kids think “Hey, that Forum vid was tight, bro! But did you see the new J/O Apparel teaser? Shit’s gonna be siiiiick…”

Now, if you’ll excuse us, we just got an e-mail. Our producer is way behind schedule on the new “the n00b movie” trailer and needs help deciding which DJ AM/Travis Barker song to use. We swear to Christ, we’d have to eat his lunch for him if we paid him enough to afford food.