High Fives with Todd Richards- Mexican Cartels

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When the world economy began falling apart, Mexico felt left out. To remedy their situation, Mexico decided to have an all-out drug war. These days, Mexico is a great place to get kidnapped, murdered, or drunk — a big middle finger to all of the first world countries who are worried about money. While the body bags pile up and the violence grows, Todd Richards continues to laugh at things like pinatas, and this weeks topic, Mexican Drug Cartels.

1) Would joining a Mexican drug cartel be fun?

Todd: Well, no actually. It would stink for several reasons. The first and most obvious to me is living in Mexico. The next is that you never know when you are going to be the mule and have to smuggle 40 kilos of Mr. Brownstone in your rectum, or disguise yourself as a seat of a van to get through the border.

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Trick those border guards.

2) Do you think there are any Mexican Tony Montoya’s (aka Scarface)?

Todd: I think there are like drug czars for sure, but I think they are all like old men with failing prostates and liver spots. No playboy hot shots in flowered shirts or dressed in the Jay-Z white linen collection. Although I could be wrong.

3) Would you rather be kidnapped by Mexican drug punks or Radical Islamics?

Todd: Oh shit, that is a good one. Well radical Islam dudes pretty much just want to hold rocket launchers and AK-47’s and get hooded bgp’s, while another homey babbles on about you being an infidel or some shit, all the while holding the mother of all scimitars ready to liberate your head from your shoulders. That is pretty bad. The Mexi dudes might just want money from your family or something. Either way, I imagine you are pretty much doomed. Even if you end up alive for an extended period of time with the Mexican folks, there is a 98% chance that you will shit your lower intestine out due to a diet of nothing but undercooked chicken marinated in some weird Mexican Crisco rolled in a tortilla. ¡Ariba!

4) Would you rather have the Cartels kill you, or have your head cut off by a freak 900 at the X Games?

Todd: What if they (Cartels) just cut my head off and it ended up on that fucked up Latino channel that shows retarded shows with grown ass men with mustaches dressed up as babies? Sibatico gigante? If i got my head cut off by a freak 900 I would at least hope it was grabbed all the way.

5) How do we stop the violence?

Todd: Maybe just let the county implode. I really don’t see how the USA can do anything to stop Mexico from being Mexico. They have been killing, kidnapping, and deep frying everything for millions of years. All I know is I love going to that New Mexico place, It has that new smell, the old Mexico smells like fabric softener, and danger. Plus they have the goat sucker down there, fuck that. Don’t want my goat sucked. Oh what if Taco Bell did the Chalupacabra? It’s like a burrito thing that terrorizes your lower intestine then scares every last bit of solid matter out of your colon.

Bonus Round) In a battle between the Mexican Weed Cartel and the Colombian Coke Cartel, who would win and why?

Todd: Dude Colombians no contest. You ever hear of the Colombian necktie? Colombians have had way more movies about them and a space shuttle named after them. Unfortunately, it blew up. Don’t get me wrong the Mexican dudes are sketchy, but with swine flu killing off the country it wont be much of a contest. Somehow I just picture Cheech and Chong with uzis. Is that racist? Recreational racism, it’s all the rage.

Yobeat: Saying, “I picture big bean burritos shooting nacho cheese all over dudes is racist.”

Todd: What if they used like really stale churros to kill people? That is borderline racist. I do think that a nice secret weapon the Mexican drug lords could use is the old pinata full of wasps. Gets em’ every time. Like a trojan horse shaped like a bee that you can’t sit in. Make the Colombians fear the day they were born.

5 replies
  1. Melanie Lacosse
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