Welcome to Yobeat’s firstÂ installmentÂ of High Fives with Todd Riachards. Each week, or wheneverhe can take the time out of his busy schedule, Todd will answer five questions about some current affair. This week we will be discussing the hot button issue of Somali pirates. Enjoy.
1) What do you think about modern Pirates?
Todd: Well, I think they are really giving the whole urban pirate thing a bad wrap. I mean, where is the scallywag? They should be called sea-hoods or something. Although I do think that the new pirates listen to way more Jay-Z than the old pirates. Kids and their hippity hop.
2) How should we handle these sea-hoods?
Todd: I think that the ships should just mount some big ass 50 cals on the decks. The deck hands are obviously bored 75% of the time. I mean it’s not the Love Boat out there, so it gives them something to do, they can defend the ships, and those 15-year-old floating sea-hoods will think twice about trying to kidnap Captain Stubing. I mean either that or hire ninjas obviously.
3) How long before snowboarders ditch the Caribbean pirate look and jump on the new wave pirate style?
Todd: Yeah, we are about 10 minutes away from the new slope blood diamond look. How come we can’t have future pirates like Mad Max? Shit, that dude Master Blaster was cool as fuck. Everyone needs a shoulder midget.
4) If you were going to be a pirate who would be your shoulder midget and how would you roll?
Todd: Oh man, if I was going to be a pirate I would totally get Gary Coleman to perch on my shoulder. Although that dude Vern Troyer looks a lot lighter. Dress them in like a small parrot costume. You think any of those African pirates wear shoulder parrots? I imagine they are plentiful. I wonder if they adhere to the pirate code? I would imagine that they like crystal better than rum, and I would think that Johhny Depp is not their role model.
5) Battle royal, we have Johnny Depp, a Butt-Pirate, a Somalian pirate, and Keith Richards. Who wins?
Todd: Well what about an internet pirate? I think that based on Johnny’s dep-ness, he is dead straight away. The Butt-Pirate would would go straight for the booty. Then Keith Richards, having seen all he has in his colorful career, would have no problem taking on a Butt-Pirate. I can imagine he had a crazy night on the start me up tour in 79’ where he may have sat on a rogue dong. But the internet pirate, man he is a wiley one, he will just throw a down load on everyones face. Do you think they yell arrrrgggg? Or fly the jolly roger? If they did that I think that the world would take them far more seriously.
Yobeat: Wait, what is the Somalian pirate doing during the battle royal?
Todd: The somali pirate is already dead, he was shot by a US sharp shooter 7 miles away.