History Lessons with the n00b: The U.S. Open

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When it comes to throwing parties, X-Treme athletes seem to be the leaders of the pack. The only people that rival them are rock stars (obviously) and cowboys – if only because they can straight up get sponsored by Pabst Blue Ribbon.  (How much ass would that kick?)

But it seems like X-Treme athletes have been the only ones to combine major events in their respective sports with wild ragers. Not a year goes by that a skateboarder is unable to skate in the Tampa Am or Pro contest because of some late-night Ybor shenanigans, and that Tanner Hall dude is pretty much always high, so his whole life is a party.

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So what’s snowboarding’s contribution? Well, based on our exhaustive research in the YoBeat Archives, there’s an assembly of world-class professionals in Vermont called the “U.S. Open.” And from what we here at the n00b have read, the Open is almost as much about shredding as it is about getting fucked up in the hills and waking up with regrets.

The only shot from 2006

The only shot from 2006

Like YoBeat’s esteemed editor wrote in 2006,  the “US Open was much like every other snowboard event this year: people spun around a lot, Shaun White won, and it was cold out. So I am not going to bother covering the snowboard action, instead I am simply going to tell the story of the most offensive/hilarious/unique moment of this event.” The event in question is when Dingo, the Open’s perennial wacky announcer guy, inadvertently raised hackles by cheering on Shaun White chanting “White Power!” over the P.A. Maybe not the best time for people to actually be able to understand what he was saying, but they’ll never forget now!

AHH, the 90s!

AHH, the 90s!

It was hard to get good, in-depth information on the event though, largely because everything I read seems to be obscured by drinking and fighting. The oldest reference in YoBeat was from 1998’s Open. But things get good in 1999 when the event was  dubbed “18 years of Snowboard Mayhem 1982-1999″,  and leads with the following: “US Open troublemaker gets in Bar Brawl!! Credibility questioned!! Exclusive Photos!!” It followed with a piece of high-brow investigative journalism entitled “Beer: What to get and where to get it.”   The verdict: you people are crazy!

Quite simply, after doing all of this reading and compiling, we at the n00b have realized the futility of trying to recount the history of the U.S. Open. All we’ve been able to find out is Burton and a bunch of mega-corporate sponsors threw a bunch of money at it, YoBeat hated on it and nobody really remembers what happened for sure because everyone was drunk pretty much through the entire event.

Sometime in 2007

Sometime in 2007

We could pretty much say there were real live dragons cutting the pipe, the ‘Noid from those old Dominos commercials won every year and YoBeat staged a bunch of photos with their buddies after realizing the lens cap was on all week during the parties so they didn’t look like they blew it, and nobody there could definitively prove us wrong.

On the plus side, we read one of the funniest things ever written:

“Mom swore that middleschoolers in her neighborhood have giant blowjob parties (to practice SAFE SEX) ‘fucking Connecticut,’ I said, and then I moved in closer to get a better listen.”

That’s how wild it was. Well-done, snowboarders. Well-done.

If you think there is actual information I missed, here are all the stories I found, in chronological order:

1998

1999

2000

2001

2002

2005

2006

2007