Best Week Ever: April 3, 2009

“Make sure no one tries to touch Melissa and Sarah! They don’t have feelings!”

-My phone is about to die while out and about in Austin. I opt to make a list of what at the time I deemed important phone numbers in case my phone completely turned off.  Jessica looks at my list and asks why Franki Chan is on it. I look at the list and think for a second, “I guess it’s more like people that would help me if I got lost in Texas.”

-We are leaving Austin for our journey back to LA. The girls I am with are all saying goodbye to Melissa and Will and thanking them for letting us stay. Everyone is hugging and being nice.  Neither Melissa or I are particularly touchy feely. We opt out of the hug fest.  Will notices us and remarks, “Make sure no one tries to touch Melissa and Sarah! They don’t have feelings!”

-We are watching the Bad Girl’s Club episode where they go on vacation to some sort of Spring Break-esque place in Mexico. Two of the girls get on stage and take their clothes off. They proceed to stand in their underwear under some shower type thing getting wet and being sexy. I excitedly clap and turn to Sally, “Look they are making it rain on them hoes! This must be what Rose means when she says that!”

-Olivia is driving. We are at a complete stand-still in traffic. A car attempts to turn in front of her into a a McDonalds. Olivia becomes irate. I am unclear why. She explains that the guy in the car looked at her weird. She pauses for a moment. She then adds, “Ok maybe he just looked at me.”

-I make an alarming sound and motion to Olivia’s phone on the coffee table.  She is confused. I explain that her phone is next to a cup of water and it’s making me nervous. Olivia ignores me. I add, “I don’t have many rules of organization, but the one I DO have is no liquids near electronics!”

-We are watching television. A commercial for some new-ish Resident Evil video game comes on. The voice over creepily says, “How would you return to your life after being in hell?” Oliva looks at the TV and shrugs, “I guess it depends on what hell was like.”

-I inform Olivia that some teenage boy wrote me on Myspace asking if i would model for him in exchange for him cooking me dinner. Olivia replies,  “Oh wait till you crush his dreams by telling him you charge upwards of 500 dollars a day!”

-My vision is getting really bad. I have no insurance and am unclear what the protocol is to see a doctor in order to get contacts. Erika crushes my dreams. She explains, “Poor people don’t GET contacts.” Confused I ask her what poor people do in order to SEE. Erika remarks, “They wear glasses.”

-I am over at Steve’s admiring his new fancy house which doesn’t have much furniture besides a giant poker table. His closet door is partially open. I slide it entirely open and discover his clothing is not only hung up in color coordinated fashion, but also by shades of said color. My mouth drops. He asks me if I am impressed. Still flipping through his clothes I manage to reply, “It’s admirable Steve. As you may know, I keep everything I own on my floor.”

-Steve is showing me how many comments he gets on his blog. Jacob is asking me what I am doing since the magazine I worked for is now done and gone. I am explaining that a clothing company hired me to launch them a lifestyle blog type site. Steve interrupts, “I was thinking that you should hit up a clothing company.” I look at him blankly and reply, “I am glad you kept that to yourself and didn’t mention it to me ONCE during my two months of virtual unemployment.”

-I get pulled over in Orange County for failing to wear my seat-belt. The cop is asking me my hair color, eye color, and other descriptive questions. He then asks me how much I weigh. I cringe. I then reluctantly reply, “I am gonna lie and say 140.” He points his pen at me, smiles, and replies, “And I am gonna lie and say 135!”

-Olivia’s mom is genuinely concerned that she doesn’t have a boyfriend and is encouraging her to get “out there” and what not. Olivia is detailing her mother’s concerns to me. Due to the fact my mother has never brought up a single concern related to my dating habits or lack there of, I decide to text her. I write, “Are you ever worried I won’t get married?” She replies, “What? No! Have you seen Zack and Miri make a Porno? It’s SO funny!”

-For reasons unknown there is a photo of me on the flyer for Cinespace. Confused I ask Jason about it. He explains that some Dim Mak intern made it. He has no idea why said intern decided to use a photo of me. He apologizes and assures me he will go back to making them from here on out. He then adds, “But I might put a hidden Sarah Morrison now on each flyer!” I add, “Oh fun. It’ll be like Where’s Waldo!”

-Olivia asks me if I am going to Cinespace Tuesday night. I look at her like she is crazy and tell her I can’t possibly go. Confused she asks why. I remind her, “BECAUSE there is a picture of me on the flyer?! They might make me DJ or something.”

-Diddy Twitters asking us all to do something in remembrance of Biggie on his birthday. I reply, “Juicy is my ringtone! I am just making people call me tons and then not picking up!”

-Don’t forget to come to the Yard Sale Clothing Swap Tomorrow!