Hump Day with Todd Richards

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Almost 40 and still looking better than most of you.

Todd Richards was snowboarding before most snowboarders leaked out of mommy. Todd has seen it all, done it all, and hated on most of it. Sitting down with Todd, I quickly realized he knew more about snowboarding than I will ever care to know. An announcer, a snowboarder, a business man, a hater, and above all a family man, Yobeat picked the mind of snowboarding’s grand daddy.

Yobeat: What’s the grossest thing you’ve seen in your 80 years here on earth?

Todd: This chick I was dating had this thing called a pilonidal cyst removed from her upper buttocks region. Well it’s a day after the surgery and she’s like, “Can you change the dressing on the wound?” So I take the tape off and there is a little cotton. I go to pull the cotton off and it’s like stuffed down this fucking hole in the chicks back. Like a skin well on this chick’s back/ass. I pulled it out and looked in and saw a fucking troll winking at me from in there. Well that, and when my friend Matt threw a shit he just made in the street at a bouncer in Boulder and said, “Here’s your tootsy roll back.”

Yobeat: Have you ever had a STD?

Todd: No, but I did have crabs once.

Yobeat: How did you get crabs?

Todd: I’m pretty sure it was from this house. Not really like a chick, but a house that we used to chill at after skating. It was like a petri dish.

Yobeat: When were Todd Richards “Glory Years”?

Todd: Well, I consider now the glory years because people don’t expect me to be able to ride well anymore. But the salad years were between 96’ and 2006, free money giveaway.

Yobeat: What was the all time low point of your snowboard career?

Todd: The day after the Olympics, oh and when I broke my arm real badly.

Yobeat: What happened the day after the Olympics?

Todd: It was such a roller coaster to get to that point, and then I choked.

Yobeat: Why did you Choke? Nerves?

Todd: Yeah, just the whole thing got to me. I was focusing on what would happen if I won, not what it would take to win. I was going to fucking buy a lier jet, but who would have known that snowboarding was sandwiched in between ice dancing and snowball throwing.

Yobeat: Terje (Haakonsen) wasn’t into the Olympics, but you were, why?

Todd: Because I am not Terje, nor was I trying to make some big stink. I thought that the Olympics were cool, well coolish. It was neat to be a part of the first U.S. snowbro’ team. That’s history, I am historic.

Yobeat: The halfpipe gold medalist had his medal taken away for marijuana use, are we to believe no American team member smoked weed?

Todd: Dude it’s a joke. Lance Armstrong smokes mad weed and he has an american eagle and a liberty bell in his ass. I don’t really see what the big deal is, if anything weed is not enhancing anything except for the taste of pizza and the experience of Call of Duty 4. But shit man, you have to play the I.O.C’s (International Olympic Committee) game if you want to go to the olympics. No big mystery, they tell you ahead of time.

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Posing for the camera is easy after 25 years.

Yobeat: What’s your role in life now? What do you do day to day?

Todd: I am the marketing dude for O-matic. That means I come up with board graphics, ads, team dudes, anything that has to do with our outward perception. I shred on a board of some kind usually and play dad when I am at home.

Yobeat: So you’re married with kids?

Todd: Yeah, I have a daughter Reef, who is four, and my son Camden, who is seven,and yes I know he is named after the hardest mo-fucking city on the planet, Camden, New Jersey.

Yobeat: Is baby making sex more fun than “I hope I don’t get preggo” sex?

Todd: Yes, because you can just spill D.N.A willy nilly, who cares where it goes. Well actually I take that back, when we were going for number two it was all scheduled, we had to hit the mark. My genitalia felt used.

Yobeat: How many times did you have to have make sweet love to produce a scheduled baby?

Todd: However much it takes, I would look in there everyday and if I didn’t see a head we would do it again. They are really more like squishy sea monkeys at that point though.

Yobeat: Since your wife actually wanted a baby, was she more into it than you? Did you ever feel like you needed a break from being a sex machine?

Todd: I am always “a sex machine”, have you ever seen me on a dance floor? I once got punched straight in the eye by Gretchen Bleiler for being too much of a sex machine on the dance floor

Yobeat: What are you going to tell your kids about sex, and how will you explain things like Mormons?

Todd: The history of the X-men was more thought out than the Mormon religion. Well I will say, “These right here are the weirdos son. Stay five feet away at all times.” But they say the same about me and my family so who cares.

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Bet you can’t do that. Photo Brian Craighill.

Yobeat: When your daughter brings home her first boyfriend, how do you plan on handling the situation?

Todd: Hmm… I will tell him that I will superglue his hand to his dong if he makes her cry. Dude I don’t know, that is actually something that I will have a hard time with. Dudes are scandalous.

Yobeat: And when your son brings home his first good looking lady?

Todd: Fucking tell him that he can throw it on Youtube if you can’t see bush or tits.

Yobeat: Is he going to be some mini-shred master? Or will you provide him with a normal life?

Todd: I’m not into that Shaun White/Ryan Sheckler shit. The only thing i push on him is Starwars, so he will be a 40 year-old virgin.

Yobeat: Would you rather have your son become the Ryan Sheckler of wakeskating or a Pornstar?

Todd: Porn dude, come on. But I don’t want his mom to know.

Yobeat: With your new occupation as a contest announcer, are you trying to be the next Sal Masekela?

Todd: No, I want to be action-Seacrest. Sal is chocolate Seacrest, everything is based on Seacrest.

Yobeat: Last year, while announcing the X-games, you said that if Shaun White won X-games pipe it would be bullshit. Did you take any shit for that? Do you stand by it?

Todd: Yeah got a lot of shit for that. Shauns Dad “the Rog” like hates me. But shit man, I am one person, they pay me to have an opinion. Shaun’s run was sick. I saw that run four years ago at Torino, he did a safety run. Kevin did a run to try and win. Thats what being under the lights at winter excrement is all about, fucking eye of the tiger.

Yobeat: Do pro-hoes still chase you?

Todd: Yeah I get them, I am the older dude. Pre-approved dick, that’s what being married with kids is like, a stamp of approval from another chick that this one is good for breeding.

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Taken during Todd’s artsy years. Photo: Brian Craighill

Yobeat: What goes through your mind when those ugly bastards that compete at the X-games and Dew Tour have girls clamoring to get in their pants and play with their penis’s?

Todd: It just shows that ugly dudes can bang chicks too. It’s all about popularity, I mean look at the Dingo. Dude has hooked up with hot chicks, you ever seen the Dark Crystal movie? There is a scene where the lizard fuckers strip down the gay lizard fucker and he’s all skinny and ugly without his robes on. That’s what I think a girl gets when Dingo disrobes but shit man, self esteem is sure a bitch.

Yobeat: Are their any riders who don’t deserve a paycheck? Because you recently hired a rider many would say doesn’t.

Todd: Dude here is the deal, and I have said this before. Snowboarding is not about the riding skills anymore. The average kid at the resort can do every trick or more than the average pro. It’s getting like skating where the am’s are actually better than a lot of the pros. I am looking for people that I can get along with or are offering something that makes them stand out. Sherm is one of those dudes. As much as everyone hates on him he can actually ride well. But his biggest attribute is his personality. Love it or hate it, he has one, and people talk about it.

Yobeat: Are you planning on making him snowboard?

Todd: No, he is like a living model. We just have him roll with our stickers n’ shit. Fuck I shouldnt talk that way about Sherm, but I am, so fuck it.

Yobeat: I once showed Josh a video of a man breaking a glass jar with his rectum, he was bummed. Who would you like to see have a glass jar broken in their ass?

Todd: Oh Piere Wickberg, no question.

Yobeat: Why?

Todd: One, it would be funny as fuck, well not the internal bleeding but the fact that I wouldn’t help him, and I would make him go to the ER and tell them he slipped and fell on a mayo jar, in the shower, with Astroglide.

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Photo taken during Todd’s better than you years.

Yobeat: A Few years back you starred in an MTV contest/show with some other Action Sport superstars. Do you regret that?

Todd: I don’t regret it cause I won in it. It was fun, however (Hannah) Teeter is dumber that a box of rocks. But she does give away all her prize money to some starvin’ marvin’ in Africa. That is either the coolest thing, or dumbest thing, I have ever heard of.

Yobeat: Would you rather see Teeter and her brothers become the most respected snowboarders on earth, or cut off your left foot?

Todd: Easy, I would rather cut off my foot.

Yobeat: Is it true Scotty Wittlake lost your sled?

Todd: Dude, Wittlake called me one November and my sled was at Brad Kremer’s house. He was like,” Can I use it to check this shit out.” I was like, “…sure.”, because I am just that cool. So I tell him don’t break it. Well he breaks it, then brings it to the sled shop to get it fixed. It gets fixed then he leaves it outside his house and goes on a trip. Did I mention he left it outside his house for like a month with the keys in it? Well then it disappeared and he really didn’t call me about it and kind of blamed me for not picking it up. I’m not that guy though. So I let it slide. But shit man, I know he had a hard time being friends with me then because I was getting paid well and was dong the X-games and shit. But, he lost my sled and never said shit. Now it’s a legend in shred.

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Todd surfs and stuff, that’s why his arms let him do pushups like that.

Yobeat: Who do you think the most insecure pro is?

Todd: Jp and Jeremy without a question. I love those dudes and respect them but they really hate more on people than anyone I have ever met. I don’t really see that as a diss though. Would you rather; Slide a 7-inch long 1-inch thick Kielbasa into your rectum every morning for a week and go about normal daily duties, or make-out with Kelly Clark at the Transworld Snowboarding awards in front of everyone?

Yobeat: Make out with Kelly Clark.

Todd: Lie, total lie.

Yobeat: Would you rather be molested as a child or be cursed with a boring life?

Todd: Oh shit, molestation for sure and I’m pretty sure that I was. Things were just different back in the 70’s. No big whoop.

Yobeat: After the longest career in snowboarding, what is ruining it, and what is keeping it alive?

Todd: Ruining it? People who obsess about what is cool and how to keep it core and fucking blah, blah, blah. The deal is like 0.5% of the people that buy snowboards are giving a shit about who has the tightest Rome shirt. What is keeping it alive are the kids starting creative companies and doing fun videos and basically not making it hard to want to take part in. The way it is right now is pretty sweet, a really inviting vibe is out there. Everyone is really nice and friendly to one another on the hill. They only talk shit on the message boards, and then its really only like five dudes using different names to back up their own bullshit with made up peeps.

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The guy in the background just got 15 minutes of fame, sorta. Photo: Brian Craighill.

Yobeat: What snowboard company is doing the best job at fucking over their riders?

Todd: That is a good one, BURTON.

Yobeat: Your rider Josh “Shermdog” Sherman, strongly dislikes my boss Brooke Geery. Who would win in a fist fight?

Todd: Sherm, he is like a ninja.

Yobeat: Why should people hate Yobeat?

Todd: I don’t know, cause Brooke’s humor can sometimes be misunderstood, and she is a Wake Skater. Which is like four notches below a rollerblader.

Yobeat: Why should people like Yobeat?

Todd: Because of that chick who has the Best Week Ever column. She seems retarded, but in a good way.

  • eric

    I have a new found respect for TR.
    Awesome.

  • everybodyLuvsSmurfs

    That shit was hilarious.
    Give Todd a “Best Week Ever” blog here.

  • Naw

    That’s the real shit right there, everything everyone thinks but don’t have the ballsack to say it.

  • The history of the X-men was more thought out than the Mormon religion – one of many classic quotes. the hate is strong in that one. see you at the open.

  • Yes please, so funny

  • Yes

    Nick does the best interviews.

  • Mr HIPHOP

    it is funny becaus it is true…

  • Oh man. I love Todd. What a fucking badass.

  • nigel08

    oh man i read his book p3 every book report i had from like 6th grade all through high school but i learned more from this.it was awesome.makes me feel good about o-matic to.

  • How the fuck is Todd so funny and still legit after all these years. I thought for sure he would have gone crazy and become a Scientologist or something by now. I had his poster on my wall in High School. Matty Ryan nicknamed him Benjamin Button cus he just keeps getting better and younger looking! Tood let’s shred Bear soon!

  • robbie

    TODD- BIg Black’s dick on your lips for 5 minutes after he just walked up 5 flights of stairs, OR have to watch all the women’s snowboard olympic runs from the first couple Olympics on repeat for 12 hours straight (no commericals, no music)???

  • therealeric

    Best interview I have read on this site, maybe ever. The shit talking and insight to other snowboarders is what people really want to hear about

  • B

    Benjamin Button

  • nicholas lipton is killing it hard. todd richards is a fucking g. hilarious interview, best yet nick. yobeat gets better. dont agree about the sarah morrison though, get rid of that shit and get nick liptons best week ever going.

    stripper poop for life.

  • danny scanzoni

    ok, have someone put your face on the freeway for five seconds while going seventy, or swallow a lightbulb and have a minor league baseball player hit you in the chest with a lead pipe.

    oh and its nice to see someone actually talk shit for once.

  • trichards

    ooooh nice would you rather ! hmmm, i would imagine that you would loose a portion of your skull along with all the skin on your cheek with the facial skeetch, and shitting shards of frosted 60 watt would really be a bummer, well, for your bum. not to mention the metal thing at the bottom because you know that thing would be all bent up and shaped like a fucking mideaval weapon after the gut buster suprise…..i will go with the face thingy for 100 alex. if your brain doesnt hit you are sweet, granted it would sting a bit but i think thats better than shitting dragons teeth. my retum is sensy

  • cr

    In one interview Yo Beat just got itself a whole new collection of random quotes. Todd needs a Yo Beat column. Brooke, please get on that, work something out.

    The lizard Dingo response made my day.

  • JLD

    Give TR a column!!! He makes riding the park after 30 ok.

  • Zim

    Props for a Dark Crystal reference. Ha!

  • dean

    that was great

  • tiger

    non stop laughs. mad respect for both guys involved.

  • T

    TR rules and Sherm does too! Snowboarding has become so gay!!!!!

  • Beg Birtha

    Man, Todd is so sick — just give the guy a column on here.

  • Thomas

    TODD BRING BACK LATE SPINS!

  • Johannes

    hilarious shi right there. gold

  • danny scanzoni

    you should turn matty mo pro, and put billy mackey on the womens team.

  • Big L

    ahhhhhhh so fucking on point…….pure gold

  • Todd- your my hero. Best Tre Flip in Govy Camp- circa 97.

  • TR is a great interview…. all deserved. yobeat is back.

  • g

    very entertaining…great interview! Todd is a insightful dude.

  • TR and me are the same age but that fucker stole my talent, my ideas, my sponsors and my fucking looks – other than that the guy is too funny. Long Live Action Seacrest – I wanna be British Seacrest – better looking with crappier teeth!!!!

  • Fucking incredible dude. I’m in a Starbucks in Keystone pirating internet right now and was laughing out loud, drawing suspicious and demeaning looks… So funny though.

    Speaking of Todd…. I’ve had a recurring dream with him in it, 4 times now. So weird…. I wrote about it on my blog, peep it if you give a shit. http://www.hybridsessions.com/2009/03/to-sleep-perchance-to-dream.html

    Great interview!

  • Andrew Marriner

    I think i was on the beach that day down in Encinitas right after little man was born when that dude (good surfer artsy guy) said how sketchy that town in Jersey is. Camden.

    Its a bad ass boys name. Well done Todd, glad i got to read this. Hilarious!

  • hater

    what a fag

  • Hardway

    TR is a total duche, couple friends met him in Banff a while ago. Pretentious prick, thinking he’s all that. Shit attitude definately not cool…

  • carlito brigante

    todd is rad.

  • trichards

    i can tell you with much confidence that i have not been to banff in like 10 years at least. why would you lie homeslice ?

  • Todd Richards. One of my all time favorite riders. Keeping it real while keeping it fun. Werd.

  • dude todd, quit reading your new replies every 5 minutes.
    best interview ever.

  • I want to punch Todd Richards in the face just to see what would happen. Then I want to go riding with him. Then probably punch him in the face again.

  • kimmy MACKEY

    hey mr, danny scanzoni

    billy could tear you apart. 🙂 have a nice day and keep dreamin you had flowin locks like his

    xoxo

  • knut eliassen

    Yeah Todd,

    Probably the best dude in the whole world!!! Hands down no lie… Love is style and moves…

    Happy birthday

    knut

  • GOLD questions! Real, but funny shit man.