Best Week Ever: February 27, 2009

“Sorry I am not usually this nice. I just really like people when I am drunk.”

-I cancel on a boy one night this week. He is annoyed. In retaliation, he informs me he is way too busy the rest of the week to possibly hang out. The following evening, I read some girl’s Twitter that says she is at dinner with him. I am rolling my eyes and expressing my annoyance to Olivia when he texts asking if I want to do something.  I turn to Olivia, “I am going to tell him I am starving and make him go out to dinner again.”

-I am about to take a shower and decide to kindly announce this fact to Olivia.  I walk into the kitchen in a towel and ask, “Do you need the bathroom? I am going to go shave my entire body.”

-We are watching a commercial for that model show on Bravo which Tyson Beckford hosts. Olivia stares at the TV and asks if Tyson Beckford has tattoos on his arms. I look closely at the screen and remark, “Either that or he has tights on his arms.” I realize what I said and nod, “Yeah, probably tattoos.”

-Maude goes to some meeting of a secret sect of virgins who are promising their hymens to God or something. She is set to pretend she is one of them in order to write a story on the whole thing. After returning from the venture she explains, “I told them I was you.” Confused, I ask for more information. She explains, “When the virgins asked my name for some reason I just said I was Sarah Morrison.”

-A friend of Olivia’s comes over one night. Me and kitty Olivia’s cat are sitting on the couch watching television. The girl looks over and remarks, “Aw she is so pretty!” I simply reply, “Me? I know right?”

-Dan and I are discussing the poverty epidemic that seems to have plagued us and everyone we know. I have an amazing idea and suggest it to Dan. I say, “Let’s rob Steve Aoki’s house!” Dan agrees with the brilliance in this idea. He adds, “And let’s rape Jacob!”

-Some dude writes me on Facebook. He explains that a friend of his had seen me out in Brooklyn one night. Said friend had then proceded to describe me as “larger than life.” I inquire if by large, he meant physically large. He explains, “Not wide, no.” He continued, “He said you were tall and leggy with a really large face.”

-I am doing the door for Dan’s birthday party Saturday evening. I am sort of positioned away from everyone. I find myself playing Brickbreaker and eating candy to entertain myself. My boredom subsides when the drunkest girl in the world discovers me. She decides she is going to spend her evening speaking incoherently to me and dancing in circles around the chair I am sitting in. One of the only things I actually understood her say the entire night was, “Sorry, I am not usually this nice. I just really like people when I am drunk.”

-I am talking to a gentleman friend of mine who runs a website that makes no money, but in theory should. He is detailing his level of poverty including the fact he doesn’t even have an apartment. I offer to let him live in my backyard. He declines due to the fact he has plenty of “girls’ beds to sleep in.” I excitedly suggest, “Charge them to sleep with you!”