Best Week Ever: January 16, 2009

“If you were a fly people would be trying to kill you all day long.”

-I find myself re-telling Lloyd that story about that crazy retarded roommate kid I lived with early summer who went through my belongings and emailed Olivia about anal sex a bunch. Lloyd enjoyed the full story. He then supportively added, “The day we met that kid, me and James placed bets on when he was going to try to kill you.”

-We find ourselves enjoying the Golden Globes Sunday evening. Upon the announcement of Heath Leger’s win, we pause to see who is going to accept Heath Ledger’s award. Some guy stands up in the crowd and begins to head to the stage. Will gasps, “Oh my god is that Patrick Swayze!” I pause, “That would be so fucked up.”

-We are watching the Golden Globes after show. Sal Masa-whatever and his E network counterpart are stopping unwilling attendees and forcing them to discuss the award show on the way to their cars. They are awkwardly interrogating Eva Mendes when that Jon Voight dude runs over and interrupts them and begins hugging the group. They try to keep up their banter with Ms. Mendes as Jon Voight awkwardly keeps trying to interject. I simply state, “That dude is so weird.” Will adds, “I think he’s a Republican.”

-En route from New York to Los Angeles to relocate my life, I find myself and my place of employment parting ways due “the recession.” My mother is being less than helpful in ideas of how to fix my current life crisis. She asks me what I plan to do repeatedly, but since I do not know I keep ignoring her. I finally inform her I am in Texas. She asks, “Are you going to stay in Austin and start a magazine?” Due to the ridiculousness of this question I simply answer, “Yes.” She then asks, “Is Olivia going to move to Austin and help you with the magazine?” Due to the equal ridiculousness in this question, I again reply, “Yes.” She replies, “That’s great!”

-My best friend Melissa runs a vintage company. I used to do modeling for her when I lived in Los Angeles. Due to the fact I am relocating back to California and have lost the weight I had happily gained living in Brooklyn, I ask her if I can model again for her. She looks at my awkwardly and start to laugh. She then says, “The cut off age is 24 now.” Kind of offended and kind of confused I go, “I wasn’t even 24 then.” She tries to inform me that things have changed. I am still offended and add, “But I am famous on the internet.” She adds, “But you are almost 30.”

-Melissa is out of weed one night and decides we should try to smoke catnip and see what happens. We continue smoking it and trying to gauge if anything is happening. I decide to inquire whether smoking catnip is an actual thing people do or if this is a completely pointless endeavor. I opt to text my brother who is a drug expert of sorts. I simply type, “Is anything going to happen if we smoke a bunch of catnip?” Sam replies, “I got a new phone and don’t have anyone’s numbers. I am guessing this is Sarah.”

-I am depressed and have been dragged out of the house one evening by force. I remark to Will than I wish I was invisible. He asks me if I had heard the This American Life episode where they ask people If they would rather be invisible or be a fly. I instantly remark, “Invisible. If you were a fly people would be trying to kill you all day long. He corrects me,  “No, invisible or to fly.” I add, “That makes more sense.”

-While watching television one night. I hear the cat squealing and look over and see Will stepping on the cat. Alarmed I tell him to stop. He explains that she likes it and demonstrates how she enjoys being stepped on and her tail stomped on. She rolls around in enjoyment and he I let the whole sick thing continue. I watch the whole thing confused and add, “She is like an S+M cat.”

-If you want to hire me to do anything, I am really talented. Holler at me [email protected]