The n00b Gets His Wish

“Be careful what you wish for, you may get it,” goes an old adage. How true it is though, I had no idea until my last column. You may remember, I published a list of gifts I wanted to receive for the holidays. It was a list of big-ticket items, lots of drugs, money and other luxury goods. Namely, I asked for a pair of Grenade Gloves. Basically, anybody who makes outerwear based on ninjas, skeletons or dinosaurs is awesome, and I wanted a piece of the action.

Apparently, one of my many fans works for Grenade, so in a few weeks, I got “a pair of the best gloves in the snow business.” And hot-DAMN are they sweet. I didn’t get dinosaurs or skeletons or ninjas, but I did get something to keep my hands warm when I need them to be as such. Most importantly, I got an actual taste of the good life, the perks of being an action sports journalist: freebies! All it took was a shallow compliment and a picture ripped from their catalog and I got free shit.

Now, maybe writing this all in an incredibly transparent column isn’t very smart of me. But what the heck. I am going to try my luck. Here are other things people can send me.

Airblaster makes this really, really cool ninja suit. Basically, it’s like footy pajamas for adults with a hood and face mask. With it, you can 1) be warm all the time, 2) have the feeling of fleecy material rubbing all over your body all at once, 3) kick the living shit out of people on the sly. Nothing like getting your nuts rubbed with soft fabric while you beat the fuck out of some random chump and sneak away in the shadows, right? Right!? Don’t make me kill you with a ninja star.
Those Burton Love snowboards are really irking some people, but I’d ride one …all night long! Woo sex jokes! But seriously, the more sex in snowboarding, the better, so put a naked chick on a board, and I’ll make sure it collects dust in my attic all year until I make my semi-annual snowboard trip to somewhere. But guys, these boards are not an excuse to J/O on the lift. Just wait for the post-shred hot tub party, ok?
Ray-Ban still makes the most badass sunglasses on Earth. Sorry Electric, Dragon, Ashbury, Oakley, Smith and all you other jerks, you’ll never top a pair of black Wayfarers or classic RB Aviators. Just can’t be done, dudes, so stick with M-Frames and plastic neon Wayfarer knock-offs.
Back when I was a young’n, I was super into everything Airwalk. I didn’t know how to skate at the time, but I knew all the cool kids at school rocked Airwalk gear, so I had to as well. Now they have a boot called the Pirate, but the boot doesn’t live up to the name. It’s this weird silver space-boot, not a black leather piece with a big buckle. Ditto with the Rome Libertine – no reference to 18th-century France, nor to Pete Doherty in 2005. Vans, however, has a boot called the Hi Standard that’s Rasta-colored. Normally, being a white guy, I know to avoid Rasta style. But the sneaky double entendre of Jamaican coloring on a shoe called the Hi Standard is too good! Get it? It’s like getting high!

So yeah, no pressure, but my address is: The Noob. 7420 8th St. NW, Washington, DC, 20012

5 replies
  1. Matt
    Matt says:

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  2. Pandora Bouleris
    Pandora Bouleris says:

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