Best Week Ever: The Best of 2008

-Some girl writes me on Myspace insisting I have my own reality show. I acknowledge that it would be good television. I inform her that I have no idea how to acquire a reality show. I go, “What if I just show up in Times Square at TRL with “I heart Carson Daly’ posters?’ I’ll then just act totally devastated when I find out he no longer works there. I go, “I will throw myself on the ground screaming and crying.’ That will have to get me at least on TV.

-My mom has survived Breast Cancer three times. She asks me to do the “Whatever-annual Breast Cancer Walk’ in Boston some weekend coming up. I ask her the date and start pulling up my Blackberry calendar seeing if I was free. She tells me it is three days long. I had assumed it was some sort of mile or two trek along the Charles River. In disbelief, I go to the computer and pull up the website. I shake my head and go, “Oh my god, the Avon Breast Cancer walk sounds like fucking Burning Man.’ I then agree to just “give money.’

-Leah is inquiring as to my whereabouts via Blackberry Messenger. I detail my self-induced depression.’ I add, “I am going to NYC. Hopefully tom will help me out.’ Leah writes back, “Who the hell is Tom?’ I go, “Oh, I thought “tom’ was BBM short for “Tomorrow.’

-I pick up the ringing phone at my parents’ house one night. After awkwardly holding their portable phone hoping someone would take it from me and no one did, I awkwardly answered it. I was so confused. My aunt said, “Is this Sarah?’ (I think I nodded, but was unable to actually respond.) She then asked, “How is your new job in New York?” I manage to nod, “Um ok.” I held the phone away from my head, looked at it confused, and brought it back, “I’m just so confused. I hadn’t answered a non-cellphone in years.”

-I am driving from New York to Boston, again. I encounter a snowstorm, again. I end up getting off the highway after 8 or so hours and get a motel somewhere outside of Hartford. I go to some nearby gas station to get chips or something to eat. The gas station dude is eyeing me as I roam around the store. A minute or so after my entrance, he actually wanders over to the aisle I am standing in and asks if he can help me find anything. I shake my head no. I pick up a bag of chips and then put them back and pick up another bag. He is staring at me from behind the counter and angrily yells, “Can I help you with something?” I put whatever is in my hand back down. I have been in instances like this before. This time completely alone in a LAMB coat, some cute-ass dress, and pair of three hundred dollar boots, I manage to announce, “I swear to god when I am anywhere besides New York or LA people think I am homeless.” I slam the door, go back to my motel and opt for the less judgmental vending machines.

-I am half listening to Anthony and typing away on my phone. I hear him inform me that I smell “like blackberry.” I become startled enough to stop typing and completely put my phone down. He explains that it’s my lipgloss, not my phone he is referring to. I pick my phone back up, confused as to why I didn’t assume that.

-Donavon inquires how my stay in Boston is going. I nod calmly and reply, “I want to jump out the bathroom window upstairs at my parents house. There’s like three feet of snow on the ground. So, I am afraid that might cushion my fall.”

-I opt to move my belongings from my parents’ basement in Boston to my new apt in New York during the Superbowl. My mom, not a football fan of any sort, thinks I should stay through the game, and leave in the morning. My dad is helping me put things in my truck, during half time. My mom finally goes, “You are really going to drive from Boston to New York, while these two teams …” My dad interrupts, “Sure she is. There will be no traffic and every cop will be sitting in a bar watching this.”

-I find some feature on Facebook where I can get engaged and simply chose whom on my list of friends I would like to be engaged to. I instinctively select Steve Aoki. It then informs me a message will be sent to Steve to “confirm the engagement.” I felt defeated figuring he won’t approve it, and instead “yell at me” on BBM. For reasons unknown and unquestioned, I woke up engaged to Steve Aoki on Facebook. While some of the comments I received regarding said engagement were kind of funny, those that Steve received were priceless. My personal favorite was, “Congrats you’re engaged to one of my favorite 20-somethings in all of the United States of America!”

-Nikki starts telling me she saw them filming the Sex and the City movie on her way to work. I tell her to shut up because I don’t want to hear anything about the movie. She continues, “They were in Duane Reade! I just ruined the whole movie! There’s a scene where Carrie goes to the drug store.” I roll my eyes, “You still just made me sad.”

-I meet up with Will Tee Yang to take photos. He starts telling me about how one of his friends was in Scotland and ran into one of my friends from high school’s little sister. He says homeboy called him in disbelief that he met girls in Scotland who knew me. I go, “I wonder how that conversation started? Oh hey, are you from America? So, do you know Sarah Morrison?”

-I end up at the ER last weekend. Don’t ask. I end up at another medical facility two days later with a completely different diagnosis. I inform Nikki over iChat that I am probably going to die due to the shitty medical care the uninsured receive in this country. I tell her that I am going to sacrifice myself to prove how much our Healthcare system blows. I add, “I am gonna go down a cross between Kurt Cobain and Ghandi.”

-While sick last weekend, I watch a bunch of dumb movies just to distract myself from how miserable I am. I somehow ended up watching “I Robot” and “I Legend” in a row. I presumed the two were related, like one was the sequel to the other. I don’t think, but am still not entirely sure this wasn’t the case. But if so, I hope the third installment will simply be called “I Will Smith.”

-I am out to dinner with my mom and brother. I go to order a beer and realize I don’t have my license. But quickly perk up when I remember my mom is sitting across from me. I point to her and inform the waitress she can vouch for my age. The waitress says no. Sort of irritated I say, “She is the best ID you are going to get.” She says no again.

-My brother and I are catching up on episodes of Entourage. We watch some recent one with Marky Mark Wahlberg in it. As the credits roll, my brother reads “Mark Wahlberg’s hair stylist?” Confused he turns to me, “Wasn’t he wearing a hat the whole time?” I respond, “I want that job.”

-We have gotten really into smoking weed. So much so that I ambitiously created a section in the notes part of my phone called “Olivia’s stoned thoughts.” So far the list reads: sew sequined dinosaurs on really nice sweaters, Tyra Banks is made of alien, and VH1 reality show “tandem bike.”

-We are at some magazine-type party thing last night. There is a mysterious free punch available. Next to the punch bowl is what I assume to be the ingredients of said punch: tequila, rum, and vodka. We are standing around awkwardly trying to drink it, pretending to look at art. Some dude from the magazine approaches us. He points at our cups and asks us how the punch is. Olivia answers, “It tastes like high school!”

-We are editing the magazine. I see a piece I had written with someone’s edits on it. I whine and mumble, “I would never use words like that.” When asked what words I am referring to, I look down at the paper in front of me and answer, “Desire and refreshing.”

– Olivia and I are watching a string of dwarf themed shows on TLC one afternoon. The dwarf marathon comes to an end, and Jon and Kate Plus 8 comes on. Disappointed I add, “Dammit, these aren’t midgets, these are just kids.”

-I show up to work in an adorable new dress. Mary and Sam Oohed and Awed. They asked me who made it. I had no idea. So Mary pulls my tag and read, “Elizabeth and James.” She then starts cackling telling me I was wearing a Mary Kate and Ashley dress. I got sad and mumbled, “But I got it at Saks.”

-We are watching this show about people who won the lottery and the weird crap they bought with their gabillions, on TV one night. I announce, “If I won the lottery I would buy a house. Then I would pay my rent from that moment til I was like 85.” Olivia then reminded me that if you buy a house you don’t have to pay rent anymore. She added, “That’s how buying a house works.”

-I see an ad for that new movie Beverly Hulls Chihuahua. I get excited and announce, “Yay! I love animal road trip movies!”

-Olivia informs me the vice presidential debate is on. I apparently had missed the fact Obama had chosen a running mate. I ask Olivia who it is. She shrugs, “Some old white dude.” Confused I reply, “I thought he would have chosen someone super hip to be the vice president like um…Kanye.”

-Rose is rolling her eyes at my diet of eating nothing. Since I am moving in with her next week, she expresses her concern that I will be starving myself at her house. Christine goes, “You will walk into the kitchen and Sarah will be passed out while boiling water or something.” I add, “Yeah, but I will be boiling water and trying to convince you I am making water soup!”

-Olivia arrives home from work to me watching television, like usual. She remarks, “You look really tan.” Confused, I explain that someone else had told me the same thing. She stops, “Wait you saw someone else today?” I shrug, “No yesterday.”

-A stoned kid is explaining some strange theory of his, sort of regarding the galaxy and how the planets align. It makes no sense and he keeps referencing Willie Nelson. I periodically nod to allude to caring. He then adds, “I have seen a bunch of different Youtube videos about it.” I nod, “That’s like saying you read about it in a bunch of Wikipedia entries.” In all seriousness he replies, “I know right?”

-Out of boredom and out of nowhere Olivia suggests, “Let’s go try on spandex unitards at American Apparel.” I decline. She adds, “Come on it’ll be funny!” I shake my head, “No, it won’t be.”

-I roll my eyes and remark to one of my co-workers that the Yobeat commenters are getting all upset that I am not talking about snowboarding. I add, “Wait two of them just said shred.” She asks, “What does shred mean?” I shrug, “The 1990s.

-Christine and I are outside smoking in the freezing fucking cold. I am bitching and moaning about the temperature. She interrupts, to remind me that just last week we were out smoking and I was calling her a pussy for being cold. I explain, “It wasn’t even cold out that day. It’s cold today.” I then add, “Plus, I am always right.”

-Danielle emails me the details for a baby shower next weekend. In said email she reiterates that it is a baby shower. She explains, “Baby showers aren’t bachelorette parties. Dildos aren’t appropriate gifts.” I reply, “What about a baby dildo?” She reminds me that it’s a boy. She adds, “A nice pocket-pussy would be more appropriate.”

-At my job, I am responsible for managing some new bloggers. Admittedly blogging isn’t the easiest thing to get the hang of. I am attempting to be supportive and blog-motherly to my new recruits. I take down a blog one of the girls has written. The topic of the blog is said girl’s love for the show Mad Men and her confusion to it’s sudden absence from TV. She writes me confused as to why I took the post down. I reply, “Mad Men is not on TV because they had the season finale. It’s like asking our readers asking what happened to George w Bush…Oh wait, he’s just not president anymore!”

-I am talking to Dave via Ichat one morning. It is still the previous evening for him, making our conversation that much more enjoyable. At some point he goes, “You have 29,000 Myspace friends?” I inform him he is correct. He then adds, “You must still be relevant!” To which I add, “I am not dead. I am just in New York.

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