Come On and Snow Already

Snowboarding is laden with cultural taboos, unspoken truths and sacred rituals. For instance: you must never call last run, because this means that you don’t like snowboarding. Snowboarders that like snowboarding should snowboard until their legs fall off or the lifts stop running. If you have additional interests that take you away from the snow, it means either that you don’t like snowboarding or that you have expenses that cannot be paid in snowboard stickers and high fives.

Perhaps one of the most sacred practices is refusing to acknowledge shitty snow or lack of snow. For example: it is almost Thanksgiving. There is no snow in the Pacific Northwest. And yet, NW snowboarders are waterproofing their flannel, lacing up their Sorels and waxing down for the Legendary Banked Slalom. For some snowboarders, snow is optional. This is the case for kids from the Midwest who don’t turn and slip-n-slide on rails. This is also the case for the Dingo and people from Great Britain. But Northwester’s need snow to snowboard. We have tried the rail thing, and it is hard to throw slashers on handrails. And without snow, it is rather difficult to rip “gnarly lines.”

Currently, no one in the NW is ripping “gnarly lines.” Instead, NW snowboarders are watching old TB movies and talking about how stoked they are for the snow season. No mention of the lack of frosting atop nearby peaks. In fact, I heard tale of a noob who asked if the snow was usually this late, and he was chopped up by a snowjack (snowboarder-lumberjack hybrid) and left for the bears. Gnarly. All the while, mountains in the Rockies, Midwest, and even the East Coast fire up their lifts. Yet NW resorts remain snowless. Why?

A distinguished colleague proposed that it is God’s attempt to quash the snow industry located in the NW. I say nay…respectfully of course. NW peaks remain bare because everybody in the NW overloaded the stoke-o-meter. There were too many premieres, too many high fives, too many silly outfits, and too much talk of pow-days-to-be. Thanks a lot assholes. While I was enjoying the fall colors and football, you were all bro-brahing and strapping into your new 184 cm swallowtail. The hype killed the snow. Now that I am ready to snowboard, it is clear and 60 degrees. So we can chalk this season off as a dud, and remember not to jump the gun next year. At least the Internet snowboarding lifts are up and running.

7 replies
  1. Jared
    Jared says:

    utah got hit early season and at least allowed brighton and snowbird to open, but its starting to get a little thin. Come on and snow already!

    ———————————————————- | a utah snow shred blog

  2. martin beran
    martin beran says:

    God I feel you on this! I NEE SNOW!! There is no snow in Eastern Washington…. Everyone in Colorado is talking about snowboarding and I cant even look at the stuff…

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