Trick Tips by the n00b

I know, I know, it’s strange for a n00b such as myself to be giving trick tips.  I mean, I barely know the slang, and it seems like my understanding of snowboard “culture” is limited at best.  But I’ve been reading these trick tips, thinking maybe if I study enough before the final exam (when I finally make it up to a “mountain” out here on the East Coast), I’ll do all right.

Now, call me a nay-sayer, but what help do these trick tips provide?  I’m at least a little sure that if I follow the advice of whatever pro tells me so I can do a sick corked 720 (is that a trick?  I admit, I’m just guessing at this point), I’ll end up shoulder deep in snow – but with my feet and board in the air.

So, here are my real-life snowboard trick tips:

Trick #1: Backflip

Okay, this is pretty much the best thing anyone can do, ever.  Have you seen those dudes that can run up a wall and do a backflip?  Damn, that shit’s hot!  If I was a lady, I’d gladly make sweet love to one of those dudes.  So, practice a bunch.  Get on a trampoline and throw yourself around until you pull off a backflip.  (Don’t land on your head.  It hurts.  TRUST ME.  Fun story, actually, I never could do a straight backflip.  I had to do this weird 360 backflip thing where I rotated over my shoulder rather than straight backwards.  It’s because I’m a pussy.)

Then, when you’re riding, get hella wicked speed as you approach the lip of whatever it is you’re going to backflip.  When you Ollie (or “jump”), do whatever the hell it is you were doing on the trampoline.

Trick #2: The “Crippler”

This one, according to EXPN, is “An inverted aerial where the rider performs a 180 degree flip. The athlete approaches the wall riding forward, becomes airborne, rotates 90 degrees, flips over in the air, rotates another 90 degrees, and lands riding forward.”

Well, I guess that covers how you do it … but why the hell would you call it a crippler?  Who wants to do a trick that will paralyze them?  It doesn’t even sound cool.  It makes me think of the Crypt Keeper, who is awesome, but doesn’t make me want to get gnar.

Just call it a spinning backflip.  Backflips are badass!

Trick #3: “Corking” a trick

This sounds like something a gigolo does.  But in snowboarding, doing a “corked” spin is doing it sideways (again, thanks EXPN!).  Here’s a question, how does one NOT do a corked spin in a half-pipe?  I can understand doing a barrel-roll type thing if you’re airing straight, but on a pipe… isn’t everything sideways?  Or would you stay vertical and call it sideways because you’re sideways relative to the takeoff?  I’m so confused.

Not that it really matters, because only really big pussies would call it a trick to almost do a backflip.  God DAMN I love backflips.

Trick #4: Frontflip

GAY. Don’t do it.

Trick #5: Double Backflip

See trick #1, do it twice as hard/awesome.  You also should pull twice the trim at the after-party if you get this one.

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