The NooB- Where’s Our Swag?

The Noob has been practicing, this picture is proof.

The Noob has been practicing, this picture is proof.

Here at the Noob, we’re getting jealous.

You see, our staff of writers, reporting assistants and mail clerks have to deal with being stuck in Washington, D.C. Now, the Dirty District isn’t so bad -— there are plenty of cool bars, lots of bands to see and a healthy supply of fresh young interns every semester.

But it seems like there’s absolutely zero snowboard industry here, and we think we’re missing out. Where are all of the awesome parties? We always see things about Boston and New York having these big snowboard hoe-downs, but we have yet to come across anything D.C. in snowboarding. (Well, there was this a friend request on Facebook, but we haven’t gotten any party invites yet.) So what’s the deal, snowboard conglomerate party planners? What about the “cool bars and young interns” remark didn’t pique your interest? Show some love to D.C. riders!

Ummm…

Okay, okay, we admit it. We just want free swag. We’re a legitimate part of the snowboard media, right? (…don’t answer that yet.) Why can’t Big Snowboarding fawn all over us when it needs a favor?

We want the same perks and privileges offered to the snowboard media out west: every time a snowboard company’s stock starts to plummet, we want a free coozie and mesh hat to publish an article about how cool they still are.

We want a new jacket for the winter, so we know to tell people how sweet Brand Xtreme’s new UltraLiteHot winter vest is.

We want advance copies of every ad, poster, video or Playstation game that gets put out. Not to promote whatever item we get like the UltraLiteHot winter vest, but so we can maintain an air of superiority over all of the 15-year-olds with better style than we have.

We want Red Bull girls to pretend to flirt with us instead of look at us like we’re the weird old guys that still hang out at the skate park.

We want to be famous. Or at least feel like it.

We want you to hand us your screamo band’s new demo and ask us to “hook you up” with our “industry connections.”

We want to be invited to a party and be given free drinks and cheap praise and a “so, when’s the article coming out, bro?” at the end of the night.

We want to go back to the skate park and tell the Red Bull girls about how we got personally invited to the Forum premiere and given the V.I.P. treatment because we’re such big deals in the snowboard media. Hey, maybe they’ll want to go out with us! Those girls look wicked easy! That would be AWESOME…

Wait, what are we talking about?

4 replies
  1. cracky jones
    cracky jones says:

    It’s funny ’cause it’s true

    dc aint got shit but shit shitty shit shitbreak like Ians stubbly fecal face

    steer clear of dcs herpes ridden snowboarding crowd theyll make it burn when you pee

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