The NooB- Snowboarding Improvements

I’ve been following a piece on Transworld Snowboarding’s web site about new binding technology as I research and learn more about this little subculture you snowboard fellows have carved out for yourselves, and I’m completely fascinated.

Here are five suggestions to help improve snowboarding, based on my initial impressions of the sport:

1) This whole bi-directional board craze is kind of silly. What’s the challenge in riding backwards if you have essentially the same board regardless of the direction you’re facing? Put some square ends on the back, and a pointy nose on the front, that way nobody will “snake” you (did I get that one right?) without risking a mortal wound.

This dashing young rebel doesn’t have a problem with breaking the mold, and he probably doesn’t have a problem breaking your face if you get in his way.

2) Following the aforementioned dashing young rebel, neon clothes provide an element of pizzazz and a certain kind of counter-culture flair to the snowboard look. If snowboarding’s about doing your own thing, as I’ve been told, why is everybody dressing like a member of some cold-weather rapper’s entourage?

On the same token, a pair of fancy-looking Oakleys with iridescent lenses will help you stand out from the pack!

3) Doubles (or to be slightly more correct, “tandem”) snowboarding is the next big thing – I know it. Think of the challenge of trying to maneuver with two bodies! So right now, I’m claiming it. Anybody who wants to talk business can get out their checkbook and give me a call.

4) You know what would be even cooler than those bank-robber ski masks that seem to be the rage right now? Make crazy, outlandish hats, so when some old man comes sashaying down the mountain on his skis, he knows you mean business. Maybe you could even do different hats for different personalities! A speed demon might wear something that looks like his hair is being blown back; the goofball in your “crew” could wear a hat so he looks like a jester. No matter your style, there’s a hat to match! Cool idea, huh?

5) Why not try some sort of snow/surf combo, where you have a board that isn’t attached, or only loosely attached to your feet? This would add a dimension of difficulty that could push snowboarding to a completely different level. Sure, you can do a pretty tight whoop-de-whirl (is that a trick name?) in your science-fiction-board-strapped-into-gravity-boots gear, but let’s see you try it while trying to keep the board on your feet.

(Note: Looks like somebody’s already doing something like that.)

6 replies

    Tandem snowboarding?…..pure genius! 1 snowboard, 2 people, apply liberal amounts of boozeamahol and matching sequined onesie’s and you have men’s doubles figure skating’s cooler but still homoerotic twin. Lookout vancouver 2010!
    Lets see Shaun spin that front 10 for the gold with me strapped to his board.( hint: He wouldn’t because I’d pull his power cord out, because everyone knows he’s a robot built by Burton.)

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