-I have a lovely one bedroom apartment for rent ASAP in South Philadelphia. [email protected] for more info.
-I hate the reference “Blah blah blah is the new blah blah blah. (ie. Gwyneth is the new black) Fortunately/unfortunately my week can only be summed up by, “New York is the new LA and Facebook is the new Myspace.”
-I am hanging out with Nicky and he is complaining incessantly. He is over Philly. As he continues his rant he appears to be over pretty much everything else, as well. He then announces, “Let’s move somewhere crazy and have babies!” I shrug and agree to it. He adds, “Like Croatia!” I look at him confused and go, “I was hoping it was going to be somewhere like Brooklyn.”
-I love Crystal, I do. Crystal writes me on AIM one day asking if I want to write for some blog she is starting. I tell her I will, only if it pays. It does not. She adds, “It’s a good opportunity to get noticed and out there.” I simply respond, “Oh, I was out there and they noticed me way too much. That’s why I left LA.”
-Greg has moved to LA. I know Greg from my formative days in Boston. I have probably seen Greg once since 2003. He has not just moved to LA, he has moved in with Gina and Lax. I am on the phone with Kelly one night, when she informs me he is sitting next to everyones new best friend, Greg. I relay this one story, “I was moving out of one of my apartments in Boston. Greg agreed to come over and help move the furniture out. All he did was throw my couch off the back porch.”
-Leah asks when she can come visit me in Philly. I tell her she can come whenever she likes. I add, “You just have to tell me when you are coming. So I can get furniture and clean.” She adds, “Knowing that maybe I will just show up. I add, “Great with a camera crew from TLC?” She adds, “With Ty.”
-Wes has some weird thing on his leg. I show up at his studio/crackden to bring him antibiotics, one afternoon. I hand him the medicine. I go, “Take two now, like when you were little and the doctor would say that.” He looks at me like I am insane and goes, “What doctor was that, Dr. Kevorkian?”
-We are all on our way out the door to leave Wes to his “music.” I am not sure why the exit stopped and turned to Wes discussing how he went to a better college than the rest of us. But it does, and we all stop to watch him Google. As the page is loading he announces, “I went to one of the best film schools in the country.” The page appears and his school is not on it. He sort of starts to scroll around on the page, getting upset. We all stand there sort of awkwardly with our coats on waiting. I finally go, “I’m sure it got like an honorable mention.” I then grab Naeem and Ian and whisper, “Let’s go.”
-I get mugged and sort of groped (I’m fine and it could have been worse. You guys get the brief and PG version) The whole thing rubbed me the wrong way and became my sort of reason to leave Philadelphia. Keith seemed sort of concern and inquired where I planned to go next. I told him I hoped to move to New York, a little sooner than planned. He then suggested, “You should just move in with Diplo’s mom!”
-After the mugging bit, I went to my parents’ house in Boston for the week. Me, my mom, and my sister went to the mall one afternoon. We walk into Abercrombie and Fitch. The teenage employees are sitting on the couches. The horrible music is so loud that you are unable to speak to one another or walk around without holding your hands over your ears. I run out of the store after ten seconds of this and scream, “This is like the worst party ever!”
-My mom offers to buy me a bra at Victoria’s Secret. I am wandering around, completely afraid. I finally ask a salesgirl if they make a bra without padding. She directs me to one. She holds it up for me to look at. I grab it out of her hands and deem it “perfect.” I begin to head to the register. She stops me to ask if I would like to try it on. I shake my head, “I don’t even own a bra. So whatever this is, I’m sure it will be fine!”
-I don’t like Iphones. I don’t want one at all. Even my own mother seemed disappointed when I arrive to visit her with a Blackberry. She remarks, “I figured if anyone I knew would have an Iphone it would be my daughter.”
-The East Somerville Community School caught on fire the other night. It was some sort of electrical thing that spread throughout the building. This means little to you if you are not from Boston. I cried when I saw it on the news. I spent a lot of time in that school. I wrote to Leah about it saying how sad it made me. She goes, “I felt so bad watching those kids on TV. They were so bummed out and I don’t even like kids.”
-I am sitting at the computer, at my parents’ house. My mother and sister enter the room. My sister turns to my mom and goes, “You look really skinny.” I turn around, point at my sister (who has lost at least 40 pounds since the summer) and go, “You look really skinny!” Then nether of them say anything. I start to awkwardly laugh. My sister then manages to announce, “I like you normal. When you are really skinny, it makes your face look weird.” I looked at both of them and simply and nodded
-I am leaving the airport and am getting into a shuttle to go home. There are two van drivers standing near the shuttle that is set to take me home. One of them starts laughing as I approach. The other one puts out his cigarette, smirks, ad goes, “How old are you, 13?” I roll my eyes, “No 12” and hand him my bag.
-Dora takes me out of her “Top 8” and replaces me with Anna aka miss Uffie who I love to death. I think its sort of funny and write some sort of sarcastic comment on Anna’s page deeming her cooler than me. Dora writes me some bitchy message telling me to get over it. I try to tell her I just thought it was funny. She responds, “It’s not that funny and everyone knows I havent’t talked to you in like five months.” The last time I did talk to her was probably October. She hasn’t returned any of my phone calls or texts lately. It was probably entirely so she could justify removing me from her “Top 8.” My god somehow someone just said to me, “Everyone knows I haven’t talked to you in five months!”
-I know a lot of you girls were Myspace friends with Waffles + Falafels.Waffles+Falafels was a clothing brand I modeled for. They had dope t-shirts. It was more like this gang of girls around the world that you wanted to be your BFFs. There was some business breakdown this week. Waffles is gonna try to put something new together and keep us girls ganged up. So add this page so you don’t miss out on what’s next. Cause whatever is next; you can guarantee I AM IN!
-I will be in NYC this week to support my “internet Boo Trevor” aka DJ Skeet Skeet and check out some Heatherette and Irregular Choice stuff. Mostly to hear what Trevors gotta show to NYC. See you Wednesday.
Best Week Ever: November 23rd
“One time Russ came over and there was a bottle of” I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” spray on the floor next to my bed.”
-I am in the bathroom at Tattooed Moms. It is probably 10pm. Some girl is puking all over the place. I sort of laugh and her friend informs me it is said girl’s birthday. She then leans in and sort of whispers, “She is 30.”
-Nicky and Matt are walking me to my car, one evening. Matt notices the missing passenger side mirror, which is actually inside on the floor of my vehicle, due to a mishap with my driveways fence a while back. He points at the missing mirror and asks, “So what do you see in this? I simply state, “The future.”
-Allegra and I somehow found ourselves dancing with some overweight bald dude at Making Time. We rolled with it. I end up downstairs later, without Allegra and encounter said dude alone. It is the end of the night and they are playing the Beach Boys. Dude pulls me over to dance with him. He seems harmless enough. His first move is to grab my left boob. Once I sort of call that move off, he simply grabs my vagina. With that, I will never feel bad for a penis again, no matter who it is attached to.
-Making Time ends at 4. We then head to Sean’s for some after party. It quickly becomes light out. I see people putting on their jackets and assume it is time to go home. I quickly learn we are all going to a bar that opens at 7am, instead. I put my coat on; shake my head, and go, “Only in Philadelphia.”
-I hate going to the movies, due to the fact I have horrible ADD and the whole process stresses me out. I really wanted to see Gone Baby Gone, last week. Nicky was unable to get his shit together. Nicky finally found himself “ready,” this week.Unfortunately for him, the movie is no longer playing. He then has to coerce me into going to see “the Devil something depressing” starring Philip Seymour Hoffman. I arrive at the theater 5 minutes after it started. He looks annoyed and I don’t really care. Trying not to laugh I go, “So Ben Affleck’s in this, right?” He replies, “Yeah, and Marky Mark.” We head into the theater.
-Taryn lives upstairs from me. We frequent each others apartments when in need of gossip or toilet paper. She shows up at my door one night. She is leaning in my doorway. I assume she is tired. She informs me that she is drunk. At some point during the conversation, she pushes my door open and screams when she witnesses the state of my apartment. I push her back into the hallway and tell her to stop. She starts laughing and asks, “Did I just see a Pizza Hut box in a pile of clothing?” I roll my eyes and reply, “Hopefully you are SO drunk you won’t remember this tomorrow.” I then add, “One time Russ came over and there was a bottle of” I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” spray on the floor next to my bed.”
-My flight to Boston is delayed for three hours. By the time I arrive in Boston, I could have driven there. Actually, I could have driven there slowly. While fake sleeping at the Philadelphia airport, I hear some woman trying to get someone’s attention by awkwardly saying “Excuse me” over and over again. I become sort of aware, afraid she is speaking to me. Luckily, I hear some lady recognize her request. She simply states, “Are we in Tampa?” The lady whose attention she had eventually received somehow managed to nonchalantly reply, “No, we are in Philadelphia.” I started laughing uncontrollably. When they looked at me, I went back to “fake sleeping.”
-I spend Thanksgiving at my grandparents’ retirement home in Worchester, Ma. My aunt turns run-of-the-mill dinner conversation into natural disaster conversation, logically. Due to my ties with Los Angeles, I am asked for my thoughts on the So Cal fires. I tell them I was worried. I add how I became especially concerned when I saw the television footage of San Diego, due to the fact that my friend Kelly’s parents live there. I tell my Thanksgiving audience about my distressed call to Kelly, “She told me her parents had been evacuated. I asked her if they were at the stadium. She told me they had gone to a resort in Orange County.” I then added, “I starting laughing and told Kelly that sounds like what my parents would do.” My dad trying not to laugh, shook his head in agreement.
-My sister wants to go to the local bar the night before Thanksgiving. I do not want to, due to the fact it will be a parade of everyone I do not want to ever see again from high school, but drunk. I somehow manage to get myself down there. I refuse to go in and am standing by a Chinese restaurant nearby. My sister comes out to check on my whereabouts. I see a bunch of overweight drunk girls in cheap shoes stumble by. I then hear someone scream their names. I go, “They are still fat, probably still angry, and I am going to sit in the car.” I then ran past them, with my hood on, while my sister screamed me name.
-I run into Mike’s cousin outside of that bar in my town Thanksgiving eve. He tells me he heard I moved to Philadelphia. He starts talking shit about LA. He can not believe I lived there that long. I sort of shrug and announce, “I love LA. I am just on a one to two year long East Coast vacation.”
-Steve Aoki whined and bitched trying to get me to go up to New York the last time he was DJing there. I had other plans here in Philly. I see on the internet this week, not only was he in NYC, but he DJed my latest internet idol Kesh’s birthday party. I avoided the topic of why he did not tell me he was in New York and went straight to the topic at hand. I wrote, “You DJed Kesh’s birthday party?” He replied, “Yeah, she is awesome, Sarah!” I rolled my eyes and replied, “Tell her to adopt me.”
-I invited Nicky to go to Boston with me for Thanksgiving. Due to my late notice, he is unable to get off work. I text Nicky on Thanksgiving to wish him a happy holiday. He tells me to say hi to my mom for him. My mom says the same back. I admit to everyone that it is my own fault Nicky could not come. After the discussion ends about my inability to understand people who have schedules, I text Nicky back, “Perhaps, I am unable to comprehend that people have lives. Apparently, the world does not revolve around me.” I then add, “I am not sure that I believe the second part.”
-I had what I thought was a zit that turned into some sort of crazy death looking abrasion on my thigh. I went to the ER where they determined it was a spider bite that got infected. Wes writes me this morning inquiring about that “bug bite I had on my butt” and informs me he has one now “too.” I tell him I have the rest of the medicine that I didn’t take. I tell him that he can have it. He then asks me to bring it to him. I simply reply, “No.”
Best Week Ever: November 16th
“Wait, you drink rubbing alcohol?”
-I have been told by half the world (i.e. three of my friends and one interview I read of Chloe Sevigny’s) that I need to purchase a pair of Cheap Monday jeans. Luckily, Urban Outfitters sells them. I take the size I should wear and one bigger (just in case) into the dressing room. I can not even sort of get into either pair. I am about to hand my unwanted items to the girl in the fitting room on my way out. I pause and ask, “Do these run small?” She grabs the clothes from me and tells me she has heard they do. I add, “Ok, that helps a little. You can have these and I will grab another size that I refuse to disclose on my way to the register.” She starts laughing, points at me, and announces, “I like her.”
-Urban Outfitters has given me a gift card in exchange for some of my services. I am looking at the website and find this cute romper I want. I text my roommate/upstairs neighbor, who works at Urban to see what size she thinks I should purchase. She suggests an 8. They biggest size the thing comes in is a 10. In New York, I see the romper in the Soho store. I try it on. I purchase a 0. Inside, I feel that I won a little.
-I am sitting on the bus next to some boy who is making conversation with me. He hears me on the phone talking about getting a job with Nylon and asks if I am a writer. I admit to “sort of being” one. I ask him what he does. He works at a bank or something; I was not really paying attention. He then adds, “It just pays the bills. I am really an artist.” So I inquire about the art. He is not sure what kind of artist he is. He says he likes photography and has read two books about it. He then asks me to suggest ways to get into photography. I try to tell him to take a class. He sort of shrugs that off. He sort of just wants to know how he can become a photographer with few skills by morning. I suggest he go to nightclubs with his crappy digital camera, take some photos, and post them on his blogspot. I add, “You will be a party photographer by the end of the week!”
-I am buying a bunch of dumb stuff at Wawa (Philly’s 711) late one evening. The sober checkout boy somehow charges me double for everything, plus a carton of Marlboro lights vs. the pack I had asked for. He returns it all. But, none of that will clear for a week or so, as anyone with a bank account knows. At this point, there are 80 people in line behind me yelling. Now, I just want the pack of cigarettes and to leave the store. When he goes to charge my card, it won’t accept the charge for the cigarettes, due to the fact I had probably 50 dollars in my account and he has charged 4 times that already. I get mad and tell him he screwed up and it’s not fair I can’t have cigarettes. He stops for a second and then yells to the line, “Someone buy the cute girl her cigarettes?” The douchebags in line start yelling obscenities. I scream back with more obscenities and tell them how I feel. The checkout boy hands me the cigarettes, winks, and says, “They are on me.” I give the idiotic boys in line the finger as I walk out.
-Spinderella is DJing here one night in Philly. We are at Tattooed Mom’s before heading over to see her. I text Sean Agnew the king of Philly’s social scene, asking him what he is doing and if he wants to come hang out. He responds with something about not coming out. I inquire, “Are you hanging out with Spinderella?” He replies, “You are like the third person to ask me that.”
-I get in a cab to go to Kelly’s. Upon entering the cab, my driver asks me if my name is Natalie. I shrug and tell him “Maybe.” He informs me that his mother has psychic powers or something. When he was in elementary school she told him he would marry a girl named Natalie. The story is actually much longer than this. Like, it is still going on as we approach Kelly’s house. I hand him the money and tell him my name is Sarah. I add, “I hope the next girl you pick up is Natalie.” I somehow exit the cab with his number anyways.
-Nicky and me get in a huge fight after I find out he is becoming a DJ. Our “relationship” has been strained since. I was sort of mean. I did announce during the argument, “I will never become a DJ, but if I did my DJ name would be DJ Haras.” He didn’t get it. So I had to add, “That’s Sarah backwards.”
-Wes doesn’t pick up his phone or respond to my “Happy Birthday” text messages, late Friday evening. I ask Sean if he knows where Wes is. He tells me Wes decided not to go out. I ask, “Why, it’s his birthday?” Sean obviouslly has no knowledge of this. He asks, “How do you know it’s Wes’ birthday?” I simply state, “His mom told me.”
-We are the Mad Pussy party Saturday evening. It is Wes’ birthday so since he wants to leave we all have to oblige. Allegra had just gotten to the party. She is talking to both me and Kelly, but I am sort of just standing there staring at both of them. She finally turns to me and goes, “What is wrong with you? I have never seen you this quiet?” I start laughing and go, “We ate weed cookies.”
-Jason Musson appears at some house party we are at Saturday night. It is approximately 3am and he asks me if I just woke up. I tell him about the Weed cookies. He becomes alarmed. He goes, “That’s what Kelly just gave me?” I shrug, “Probably.” He goes on about how he just ate one and she had failed to mention the weed part. I simply ask, “You just thought she just had cookies in her purse at some house party at 3am?”
-I am Buffalo Exchange selling more of my clothing. The boy doing the buying stares for five minutes at my Stitch’s jeans. He then announces “26.50.” Alarmed, I go, “Those are this season’s. They retail for like 210 dollars.” He looks at them again and asks me “where they sell them.” I sort of roll my eyes and go, “Um everywhere. I bought them at Fred Segal.” He gets all snippy and goes, “Well, why are buying 210 dollar jeans at Fred Segal and wearing them twice?” I reply, “That’s really none of your business.” I get 50 dollars for them.
-I spend Tuesday afternoon at the Spankrock “Bangers and Cash-Loose” video shoot. Naeem texted me asking me to come and be in the video. I arrive and they are shooting. So, I am stuck behind a curtain in the kitchen with some girl waiting for the shot to end, so I can head in. I am unable to see what’s going on. But, I am able to hear things like “Now, you make out with her,” “Grab her boobs, and “Lift your ass higher.” I turn to the girl holding me hostage in the kitchen and go, “I am going to kill Naeem.”
-Once let into the Spankrock and Benny video shoot, I witness what would be classified as soft core porn. Luckily, the participants are Suicide Girls or Burning Angels or something. I will be able to keep me clothes on. Naeem sees me standing there staring at the video screen. He comes over to hug me and asks, “How was your day so far?” I tell him I was at home writing and drinking coffee. Sort of overwhelmed I go, “Wow, I wish every Tuesday afternoon was like this.”
-During some break in shooting, we are corralled into the kitchen for some sort of Vodka demonstration. What occurs next is crappy 6.99 Vodka is filtered through some device where it the ends up tasting like Grey Goose or some comparable pricier Vodka. I clap my hands in the middle of the whole thing and announce, “This is like Science1”
-The demonstration involves us trying both the crappy Vodka and in the end the filtered classier Vodka. As the crappy Vodka is passed around, some dude announces disgusted, “This tastes like rubbing alcohol.” Immediately I announce, “I am so tired of drinking rubbing alcohol.” Some other boy apparently hears me, sort of shakes his head in confusion and asks, “Wait, you drink rubbing alcohol?”
-Amanda shows up at some point at the video shoot. She looks at the screen half laughing and half in shock, and announces, “My mom in going to kill me.” I add, “Once this video comes out, I am going to pretend I don’t know any of you.”
-There is a commercial for these Macaroni and Cheese bites at Sonic. I have never seen anything I have wanted to eat more. I went to the website and discovered the closest Sonic is 40 something miles away in New Jersey. Email them to me.
-I work things out with my mom this week. We are on the phone making small talk when the doorbell rings. I tell her to hold on a second, as I go to answer the door. It is some dude in a suit. I quickly ask him, “What are you selling?” He starts his rant about the Latter Day Saints. I shake my head, tell him no thanks, and head back inside. My mom is still on the phone and inquires, “What was he selling?” I go, “He was just selling religion.”
– The kind and charitable team at waffles + falafels have agreed to donate a portion of t-shirt profits to the Sarah Morrison charity fund. Up until recently they have not been for sale, and you girls have been asking about them. So this is your chance. Go get a shirt and become a Waffles girl just like us! Oh, and my charity drive ends Monday. So buy them now, bitches!
Best Week Ever: November 9th
“I don’t know bags or shoes. I am like Cobrasnake fashionable.”
-Kelly points at my blog, one afternoon. She shows me several instances where the name “Kelly” is mentioned. I tell her that she is not the only Kelly in my life, and that in fact I have a good friend in LA named Kelly. She then informs me that to her (and perhaps the other Kelly) it seems like I may be making up parts of my blog. I stare blankly at her and eventually agree to identify them accordingly. I doubt anyone else is convinced I am making things up, but whatever. So I will now differentiate them as we go.
-Kellyturso.com and I are at an art show of sorts. It is less than exciting. We end up downstairs and talking to the underage bartender. She is cute. Her name is Ayana. She is in school and is detailing the roommate drama that we remember oh too well from our college days. We promise to go out with her the following week to some college party. Half way through the week, Kelly texts me and asks, “Wait, are we really going to a college party on Thursday night?” I simply reply, “Duh.”
-Kellyturso.com comes back from NYC. She suggests we move there. I agree. She then details her stay in Brooklyn, with fear in her eyes. She starts detailing the overwhelming hipster epidemic that Brooklyn has been plagued with. She adds, “You are the closet thing I know to a hipster.” I roll my eyes. She corrects herself, “Sarah, you are not a hipster. You are like a hipster hybrid.”
-I am buying some dumb shirt Wes wants and then later does not want from Urban Outfitters. One person after other rolls up with returns. The checkout girl keeps apologizing and informing them she can’t do returns yet. I go to high five her and say, “Stay that way!”
-Urban Outfitters now employees me. So I go down to their store to purchase the free clothes they gave me. I am in line. Some girl behind me holds up this gray and red striped t-shirt to her male friend. She goes, “I could totally wear it with a pair of black jeans. Should I get it.?” I turn around, look at the shirt and simply go, “No.”
-I am walking out of Urban Outfitters and the alarm goes off. I stop due to the fact I am not stealing anything. Two employees grab my stuff and receipts and take off with them. I am on my Blackberry waiting to leave. Then manager dude rolls in and asks to check my bag. Perhaps somehow I look homeless or like a criminal, I don’t know. He seems sort of embarrassed when I explain I freelance for them. They eventually let me go. Upon leaving I was like, “This would never even sort of happen to me in LA.”
-I have been selling my clothes at Buffalo Exchange here in Philly. I sort of want to volunteer there. They are looking at my LaRok dresses and Yanuk tops and press 10 in the calculator because they don’t get it. I don’t need the stuff. So I figure 20 dollars is better than taking up space on the floor of my apartment. So, if you are looking for Sarah Morrison’s last season’s everything that didn’t sell at my LA yard sales, you will find it at the Philly Buffalo Exchange.
-I am on my way back from a meeting in NYC, one afternoon. Its pouring rain and I am hustled on to some Chinatown bus allegedly bound for Philly. I sit down and inquire if we are actually going to Philly. No one knows for sure. Then some dude comes on the bus to collect our tickets. He yells something about going to Philadelphia and DC. At least three people stand up, go over to him, and ask if we are going to DC or Philly first. I laugh and say to the dude next to me, “Oh, I hope to god we are going to DC first.”
-I am at a meeting at a magazine in New York one afternoon. They enlist me to write for the magazine’s boy version. I am thrilled. The gentleman meeting with me lays out what he wants me to do for the magazine. He then adds, “Maybe down the road you could write for the girl mag as well.” I shrug and say, “I don’t know. I don’t know bags or shoes. I am like Cobrasnake fashionable.” He laughs and agrees.
-Nikki and I are both brilliant in our separate ways. We opt to have a business meeting one afternoon in NYC. It ends up just being shopping. At some point outside of Uniqlo in the rain we start talking business. She gets a phone call. She goes, “I should just tell them I am in a meeting.” I add, “Let me call you back. I am in a business meeting outside of Uniqlo in the rain.” I pause for a second, and then add, “If this is really a business meeting, Lets move inside to Uniqlo’s elevator!”
-Nikki and I enter Soho’s Forever 21. I instantly became very overwhelmed and remark, “Oh my god. This place is like H&M on fire!”
-Me, Nikki, and Adam all head out of the rain and into some Starbucks in Soho one evening. I look like it’s my first time at Disney upon entering the establishment, as I observe people at tables in conversations with laptops. I remark, “I have only seen this on TV!” Nikki inquires, “What do Starbucks in LA look like?” I add, “They just have lines!”
-Adam asks me what my email is. I go, “Oh it is [email protected]” Nikki starts laughing. He looks up and announces, “I had just typed 3/4 of that into my Blackberry.”
-While at Nylon this week, I was handed the new Nylon. I was at Kelly’s (kellyturso.com) showing it to her. I the held up Steve’s interview (oh and that photo resulted) Kelly goes, “Oh my god is that Dan Oh?” I sadly informed her, “Just Steve Aoki.”
-Love me now, judge me later kids. I have been freelancing for several fashion establishments and magazines and am waiting for invoices. Due to a few glitches in a few peoples “systems” I am not receiving payments until mid December. I owe my landlord 1200 on December 1st. I do not have it. So donate here if you care. If not look for my blogs on “homelessness.” HELP ME PAY MY RENT AND
go to my page and send me money PLEASE! I love you all. xo sarah
“Sarah, you have a serious attitude problem right now. I will talk to you when it’s over.”
-We are in a cab one night. Jac and Crystal pass me some water bottle of Vodka with a splash of orange juice. I take a sip of it, start to gag, and then announce, “It tastes like Cinespace and Steve Aoki!”
-It is Halloween afternoon and I finally come to decide that I am going to either be “pregnant” or “Steve Aoki.” Leah votes Steve Aoki. She suggests I carry around a 12 pack of Pepsi as part of the costume. Texas Mike suggests I be “pregnant Steve Aoki.” When I inform Leah of this, she logically comes up with, “You can give birth to the 12 pack of Pepsi!”
-I receive a text message from Crystal that reads, “You remind me of Edie Sedgwick minus the drug overdose and catastrophes.” It was 3:15 am.
-I sleep at Kurt’s for reasons unknown the night of Halloween. Amanda was away so I could stay in her room. I am not good at sleeping at other people’s houses. I sort of just lie there for a little while, talk to Gina, and then call Kelly to come get me. Kelly and I may or may not still be drunk at 9 am when she and I decide to stop at some Asian market by my house. I am not sure why we are there or what we are purchasing. Kelly is trying to tell me how cool Asian food is. I keep insisting I want hash browns. A nice Asian lady rings us up. She hands Kelly her change. Kelly picks up the bag, waves, and goes “Gracias!”
-Allegra calls me the day after Halloween. She has a real job so this throws me off. I pause and ask her, “Wait, is today a holiday?”
-Allegra informs me she called into work and that it was not in fact a holiday. She then said, “I was like let me call someone who doesn’t do anything….Sarah Morrison!”
-Trevor inquires about my boy situations. I detail them and my frustration with each individually. I tell him I am done with all parties involved. I add, “I am going to focus on my career.”
-Now that I am “focusing on my career,” I am trying to remember what exactly my plan was before I became a Los Angeles nightlife princess. As I reevaluate, I come to the conclusion that I want my own Top Shop line.
-I do not really understand how people dress here. I do understand that it is very different from how I dress. I am shopping the other day on Walnut St. I am waiting for the light to change. Some dudes in a car yell, “Hey hottie where do you dance?” I roll my eyes, point to the curb I am standing on, grab my boobs, and answer, “Right here.”
-When American Apparel and I parted ways, a portion of the divorce settlement read that I would be able to keep my employee discount. I have been using it since. I go into an American Apparel here in Philadelphia. I am all set to be rung up. I inform the aspiring “Dora” at the register that I am an employee. She asks me which store I work at. I pause for a second and say the store I used to work at. I then watch her pick up a phone. She tells me they just have to call and verify that I work there. I start laughing, leave my purchases on the counter, and run out of the store.
-I call Kelly from across the street. I tell her the story, which she enjoyed. She doesn’t understand the part where I run out of the store, but nor do I really. (Kelly is aware that during this shopping venture I was supposed to purchase a shirt for a DJ gentleman friend of mine) She goes, “Did you get him the shirt?” Outraged I announce, “I bought his shirt at Urban. I did not like the way I was treated at American Apparel today. They just lost one customer!” Kelly laughing then informs me she walked into a wall.
-Crystal calls trying to get me to join her in New York one night. I decline. She then informs me they are driving to New York (from Atlanta.) She sounds drunk. So I begin asking a few more questions. I get no coherent answers. I suggest, “You might want to stop drinking if you guys are going to drive 15 hours to New York right now. You are going to have to pee.” She replies, “Ashley knows how to pee in a bottle.” I nod.
-Both Kelly and Bettie are away for the weekend. Allegra suggests I go out with her and her friends. Something happens and I get homesick. She calls and I am sort of crying. I announce, “I am not going to go out. I miss LA. I miss my friends and I keep crying.” She tries to act normal. I add, “I’m probably getting my period. But if you want to continue being my friend you should know, I am always like this.”
-I have two separate conversations with Trevor this week on BMM that made no sense whatsoever. The first conversation, I felt like I was communicating really well, but he had no idea what I was saying. At some point he suggests, “Maybe I am not getting all of your messages. The second conversation he is trying to ask me something about booking Amanda Blank. I get lost somewhere when he brings up twelve other people that are completely unrelated to the situation. I keep asking questions for clarification. He clearly thinks he is making sense. I just give up and go, “Maybe I am not getting all of your messages.”
-I spend one afternoon watching some sort of marathon of that show Made on MTV. I don’t really want to be “Made” into anything, but I really like that show. If you want to be “Made” into anything I could help with, let me know. I will be your Made coach!
-Marky Mark (Mark Wahlberg-my soul mate) is here in Philly filming some movie. We are out the other night and some conversation about New Kids on the Block ensues. I logically bring up the Marky Mark thing. Homegirl gets excited. She adds, “I hope I run into him somewhere.” I then add, “Run into him? I have the website where they list the locations for filming each day for the extras.” I figured she would be impressed. She just found me creepy.
-Myspace now allows you to have unlimited pictures. It also lets you upload hundreds at a time. I decide to take them up on this offer. I uploaded hundreds of not so great photos of me and my friends like Myspace asked. While uploading them, I paid little attention to what I was offering the internet. When it came time to label them, it got good. I forgot how funny my life actually is until I had to determine what was going on in half these pictures. My personal favorite is my current “default.” This is the Brittany Moore wasted yelling “I made out with Mark the Cobrasnake night.” Matt Colon involves me in this due to the fact she is muttering “Steve Aoki” from the floor of the LAX girls’ bathroom. Somehow Mark and I end up in charge of keeping her alive. If you look at the photo, there is a tent where some homeless woman is living. She proceeds to spray Mark with Lysol to keep him away. I could type a story like this for every single one of these photos, but I won’t. But, Will claims to have a video of this night. Write him and make him put it up.
-Nicky has agreed to drive my brother’s car back from Colorado with me. He is looking for details on the trip. I get sort of bitchy and tell him he doesn’t have to come. He responds, “Sarah, you have a serious attitude problem right now. I will talk to you when it’s over.” It’s not over yet.
Best Week Ever: October 26th
“When you talk it’s like listening to Six from Blossom on Speed.”
-I stay at some loft in NYC with Crystal and her crew. I wake up one of the last days there and walk into the livingroom. I begin to discus my period, or something similar. .Crystal just throws her hands up in the air and announces, “Everytime Sarah Morrison walks in a room, I feel like I am on a reality show.”
-We are checking Myspace. Gina has a new picture up of her and Anna (known to most as Uffie). I stare at the photo for a second. I show it to Jac then go, “Look at this pretty picture of Gina and Anna! They never look this pretty!”
-I am standing outside the bus station in Philly, waiting for Kelly. I meet the homeless crew of the block. Some gentleman is talking to me. He asks me if I have a boyfriend. I tell him that I do. He inquires if said “boyfriend” is going to give me a massage when I return home. I shrug and inform new homeless friend that homeboy, “better.” He goes, “If he doesn’t, come back down here. I will get some baby oil and rub your feet down.” I add, “Oh my god, I might come back.”
-I get back from CMJ, exhausted. Nicky writes me a text asking me where I am. I inform him that I am “hiding.” He asks me from what. I inform him “New York.” He goes, “Like the whole city?” I affirm, “Yes.”
-Naeem calls and asks if I will do his latest Spankrock video. I agree. Then I add, “I am going to ask that if all possible, I would like to roll around on the hood of a car in a metallic American Apparel bikini.” He laughed, but then he said he would “try.”
-A while back, I decided I TOO wanted to be a white rapper. I was going to break into the “industry” with my “rap” cover of “Hey there Delilah” by the Plain White Ts. Donavon informs me that the little brother of one of the Gym Class Heroes already did this. I get pissed. I then announce, “Yeah, he probably reads my blogs.”
-Kelly calls me to go somewhere and do something. I attempt to decline, due to the fact it is raining. I then add that I bailed on Naeem the night before, so maybe I should I go out. She goes, “I was driving today. Naeem was walking in the rain. I pulled over and offered him a ride, but he said no.” I start laughing and ask, “Were you like little boy would you like some candy?” Kelly responds, “Well yeah, who doesn’t like candy!?!”
-I post blogs on Trevor’s site EatSkeet.com. After a wonderful post I wrote about some LA kid’s crappy blog, our readers decided to “hate me out” over there. I say to Trevor the other night, “Uffie is to the Hollertronix board as Sarah Morrison is to EatSkeet.com ”
-I leave Gina a message telling her a wonderful story, I KNEW she would enjoy. She calls back past my bedtime and leaves this voicemail message, “When you talk it’s like listening to Six from Blossom on Speed.”
Best Week Ever: October 19th
“I thought Frankie Chan was my least favorite DJ of the day. I changed my mind it is Blake Miller!”
-I write Best Week Ever last week. The first comment I receive is from DJ Mom. It reads, “So, that’s why he calls me about the thingy on his chest! Both of you need to stop being paranoid. You forgot to mention that his Mom requested you to be her friend. Ha! LOL DJMom1 PS Next week may be even better since you lived!!!” It is really my best week ever because Diplo Wes’ mom is my friend on Myspace AND she is reading my blog.
-We have some sort of intense social gathering of Philadelphia’s finest, Sunday night. The celebration which involved a full bar and really had no other purpose than entertaining ourselves on a random Sunday night before we all had to go to New York for CMJ. Naeem aka Spankrock and I spent a good deal of the evening sitting on the couch talking shit about people. Every time Naeem says anything to me from “I will call you back” to some actually scandalous story, he is convinced it will end up in my blog. This evening Naeem is fascinated by my outlook on throwing parties, useless people, and my new search for an east coast intern. He announces, “Can I be your intern?” He continues, “I think I will learn a lot. Several boys start shaking their heads in confusion, “Wait, Naeem is going to be Sarah’s new intern?” I shrug, “He is going to learn a lot.”
-I am telling Kurt about the mouse that is still living in my apartment. He suggests I get a cat. I express that getting a cat with the sole purpose of having it kill a mouse is probably not the most favorable pet adoption tactic. (If you live in Philadelphia you know the city is full of feral cats that just wander around everywhere. If you don’t live here, you now know this.) Kurt adds, “Just leave the door open and let those feral cats come in and eat the mouse.” I nod my head in acknowledgement of his latest brilliant plan.
-I am entertaining everyone with the story about the art school girl taking photos of me with my shorts half down coming out of the bathroom at the Khyber one night. The only other girl present begins to discuss the Philadelphia-Cobrasnake-esque dude. She has us acknowledge how often we see him out. She then reveals, “He lives in Delaware. He drives up here every night.” I pause for a second, “That’s another state, right?
-Kurt and I are having a lovely conversation until I decide I want to discuss being 28 instead. I ask him if he has found any grey hairs yet. He admits to finding two or something. He then makes me answer the question. I go, “I found a colorless one once. It was more blonde than gray. Kurt starts laughing, and then tries to nod, “Yeah, I’m sure it was blonde. Most girls with black hair just get blonde ones sometimes.” I roll my eyes.
-One of the boys that had not yet met me was enjoying my presence. He goes, “Woah you don’t wear bras. How come you don’t wear bras?” I shrug, “It is sort of my thing.”
-I am supposed to be on my way to New York, but am not yet. I ask Nikki if I should take a bus or a train. She tells me a bus would probably be cheaper. I tell her, “That’s makes sense. I was going to fly.”
-Nikki is asking me questions about my plans for CMJ. Her complicated line of questioning goes from what are you doing to where are you staying. I tell her, “I am just going to throw clothes in a bag and see what happens. I hate organization.”
-I am at some Vice party. Mark Hunter texts me asking me where I am. I am in the middle of writing back telling him, when I run into Ana. She is typing on her blackberry and goes, “I don’t know where Mark is.” I show her my phone. Then some girl I do not know at all wanders over holding up her BBM conversation with “The Cobrasnake” to show Ana. I start laughing. As we all begin to realize the ridiculousness of the situation, Mark comes up behind me. We all hold up our Blackberrys to him. Mark leans over to hug me. I say, “This probably actually happens to you more than I realize.”
-We head to Rebel to set up for our party sometime when it is still light out. They have me making gift bags. I am incessantly complaining. I suggest, “Why don’t we just leave all these boxes out and just have people make their own gift bags? Crystal pretending to humor me goes, “Like a gift bag buffet?” I get excited, “Exactly.” She walks away.
-I continue complaining about the dumb tasks I am doing. I inquire if anyone has an intern that can do this stuff. I then suggest, “I will go post a Myspace bulletin. I guarantee I will have ten girls down here that will want to hang out with us and do this stuff for us.”
-No one lets me post my Myspace bulletin so I continue making gift bags and whining. I inquire if there is beer anywhere. No one helps me. I then announce, “I have never had a job I couldn’t drink at.”
-I am on the phone with Nikki trying to explain why it is light out and I am at the club where our party is at 10:00pm. I tell her I have been making gift bags and hanging things up. I go, “I have never done anything like this.” I explain how there was an amount of time set aside to make a dj line-up. I add, “I usually just have them all fight over it.” I explain how I have been at the club since 3pm. I then add, “Seriously, it is a good night if Sarah Morrison shows up at the party she is throwing before 11pm.”
-I start panicking then I realize the party is 21 plus. Crystal is sort of ignoring me as I ask questions about sneaking in my underage girls. Nikki is with me when I have to go try to get Lauren Foust and her gang in. I go, “This is my first 21 plus party. I’m going to have to spend the evening trying to figure out how to get all my friends in.”
-Blue Jemz James and his lady friend Lax roll into our party Thursday night. Us ladies are in the bathroom chatting. She goes, “Did you hear who I am moving in with? Gina!” I try to be excited, but for some reason just start crying. As I cry and laugh at the same time and try to explain how I miss LA, I just scare everyone in the bathroom. Gina enjoys the story. (In my defense, I get my period the next morning.)
— LastNightsParty’s front man Bronques and I FINALLY meet each other one night this week. He took some pretty photos of me. We sat and chatted for a while apparently “on the record.” He asked me questions like, “Not everyone loves Sarah Morrison huh?” and “Doesn’t Trevor look like the guy from the Truth commercials?” It will probably appear on the internet shortly.
-That girl Anne Lee rolls into my party with Ellei. I hug Ellei, then go to hug homegirl. She just turns her head pretending not to see me. The problem is, she is standing less than a foot away from me. Ellei tries to defend the girl as drunk or something. I try to call her a bitch, but she is too busy pretending to be invisible 8 inches away from me to notice. I shrug, “I will just call her out in my blog later.”
-The video interviews don’t go as planned due to the fact the DJs were all very intoxicated. I am sure they will be entertaining for you guys to watch. They should be up on MixRevolution.com soon. I actually tried to watch some of the footage. The interview with Blake (Moving Units, Weird Science, drinking problem) hits a 15 minute mark and I still haven’t asked him a single question. At some point I do announce into the microphone, “I thought Frankie Chan was my least favorite DJ of the day. I changed my mind it is Blake Miller!”
-Star comes down to Philly for a photoshoot a couple weeks ago. I wanted to see her, but I had been so sick that I didn’t meet up with her. I tell her how bad I feel and promise to hang out when i am feeling better up in NYC. She opts to text me, “I don’t like the way you treat me.” She then removes me from her top 8 on Myspace. For the finale, she does not return my phone calls when I am up in New York. So I replaced her in my top 8 with Tom.
-The DJ interviews Thursday night were exhausting. Naeem/Spankrock agrees to do one before his show Friday night at the Fillmore. They won’t let cameras in. It is raining. I have my period. I am tired. Then the door guys starts hassling me about my press pass. I just start crying and call him asshole and proceed to go sit on the sidewalk outside. As I storm off, I do begin to remember that 90 percent of the crowd of djs and indie press outside knows me. At the time, I really did not care. I get it back together and go in to the show. Donavon points to Ryan and goes, “He heard like three different people talking about how Sarah Morrison was crying outside.” I start to laugh, “Only three? That’s not that bad.”
-One of Crystal’s roommates from Atlanta comes up to hang out. She is on the phone with one of her friends, yesterday afternoon. She goes, “I am in New York for some DJ fest.” I start laughing, “Oh my god, I like that hanging out with us makes CMJ seems like a DJ fest!”
Best Week Ever: October 12th
“I am officially “Dallas.” I just dyed my hair blonde and just tried cheese.”
-We are driving around Philly. There is some Irish festival gong on. I turn to Bettie, “I’ve always wished I was Irish.” She spits out her coffee on the dashboard. I continue, “No seriously, growing up in Boston and not being Irish Catholic sucks.” She nods her head in understanding, “So you wish you had skin cancer and a drinking problem?” I shrug, “Whatever.”
-We are all out to eat one afternoon. I like eating. We all order our individual meals. I sort of encourage everyone to order and consume several appetizers and chocolate cake for dessert. Gina is splitting the bill up fairly evenly. I announce, “I should pay more.” She doesn’t understand why. I shrug, “They didn’t want cake. I should pay more for the peer pressure.”
-Dora takes me off her Myspace top 8 within days of me leaving LA. We are on the phone the other night, and I bring it up. She tells me she has just been having a hard time lately. I go, “I seriously thought everyone in LA took me off the day I left. They were like “Yes Sarah’s gone, free spot in my top 8 for my new best friend.”
-I am out in Philly one night. Some girl comes up to me at the bar and asks, “Are you who I think you are?” I simply shake my head, “No, I am not Posh spice.”
-Mallory writes me this week. She details her morning ritual of standing at the bus stop at 7am n Glendale, Starbucks in hand. She says she turns towards the bus stop and almost spills her coffee when she notices the entire bus stop in plastered with photos of me. I assume it’s some horrible drunk disastrous picture and get nervous. She says, “No it was that cute one of you from Nylon.” I am as confused as she is.
-Reagan leaves LA around the same time I do. I move to Philadelphia. She moves to Dallas. We share our stories of LA girls trying to fit into normal places with one another on a fairly regular basis. This week she texts me, “I am officially “Dallas.” I dyed my hair blonde and just tried cheese.”
-I have what I assume is a giant zit on the back of my leg. I am showing it to my friends to gross them out. The next day, I am bending over to get something, when Wes screams and grabs my leg. I look at it and my “zit” has a giant black circle around it. He is yelling that I am going to die. I shake my head, “Ok, then take me home. I would rather die there.”
-I go to the free clinic Friday for my spider/bug bite death thing on my leg. The free clinic is closed for meetings. A nurse comes out to talk to all of us waiting outside. She says they will be open Monday. She then asks us what is wrong. I show her and (everyone else standing outside) the thing on my leg. She starts waving her hands in the air, insisting I go to the ER. Then three other ladies standing outside are grabbing at me, looking at my leg, and talking to one another. One of the ladies goes, “Girl, you are going to die by Monday.” Another chimes in, “You sure are.” I stop, back away from the crowd, and announce, “Ok, I am gong to the Emergency Room. Just stop saying I am going to die.”
-I am waiting to be seen by a doctor at the Emergency Room. There is a girl next to me who had come in a few minutes before me. A boy our age rolls in 20 minutes after me. He is crazy sick, and looks miserable. Old person after old person comes in. They have wheel chairs or walkers. They have issues like their “eye hurts” or their elbow “looks weird.” One old person after another keeps complaining to the attendant at the window. They are issued past us. After the third one or so, the miserable boy next to me starts laughing. I go, “We are going to die here for being young.” (It is an infected spider bite and I survive.)
-My mother calls me last night inquiring if I still want “a car.” I affirm that I do. She tells me that if I buy a plane ticket and fly out to Denver, I can take my brother’s 2004 Honda Accord from him and drive it back here. I become ecstatic, and start looking at flights. Today, I call my brother to inform him of the plan. Of course, he knows nothing of this. He proceeds to flip out. I start laughing hysterically and he hangs up. I continue to look at flights.
-I have a dream last night that Nicky and I are getting married. I miss some of the details, but for some reason he leaves me at the alter. I text him today, to tell him. He replies, “I wouldn’t do that. I would leave you after we had a couple of kids and a mortgage. I go, “Oh good, hopefully that will be my dream tonight.” He adds, “You would look hot stressed out in a nightie with mad kids running around.”
-I will be in NYC all week for CMJ. I am doing video interviews with DJs and dance music-esque artists for Mixrevolution.com. Mixrevolution is a networking site for DJs and the like. So go sign up for a profile and check it out. If you are a DJ and want to be interviewed hit me up. I am asking all my DJ friends who are going to be around to do interviews with me. On the phone with Steve Aoki one night, he starts whining and tells me he hates interviews. I roll my eyes, “God Steve, I’m not going to ask you questions about your remixes.” He waits for me to continue. I add, “It’s going to be more like why are there dinosaurs on all of your sweatshirts.”
-This Thursday night October 18th at Rebel NYC is our Heist party. We have Deerhunter, LeCastlevania, Klever, Roxy, Lauren Flax, Frankie Chan, and a bunch of others. It is hosted by me and Crystal. It is going to be epic. Rsvp at myopenbar.com/deerhunter. See you bitches there.
Best Week Ever: September 28th
“I may not be a DJ, but I own a gun.”
-I am talking to Naima, who is in NYC. We are discussing how much we miss LA. I tell her I want a burrito. She goes on about how there is no Mexican food on the east coast. She adds, “They have LIKE Chipotle.” I pause for a second, “Wait, that’s that place in Glendale, right?” Naima replies, “Exactly.”
-There is a mouse in my apartment. I have no idea what to do. I enlist the help of a boy I know. His only solution is to sleep at his house. I decline. I inform him, “I am putting cheese outside my door and sleeping with my apartment door open. He replies, “Yeah that seems logical. The mouse leaves and someone comes in and kills you.”
-I was at a certain fashion brand for a business meeting, this week. They toured me around the building introducing me to everyone. The gentleman doing my introductions announces, “This s Sarah Morrison. She has Myspace and a Blog.”
-My tour guide at said meeting was showing me a bunch of photos “my friend Mark (thecobrasnake.com) Hunter” had done for them. I was looking over the board, when the gentleman turned to me and said, “Mark told you about the project he did with us right?” I tried to think. My brain was saying Mark probably did inform you about *said* project. So I simply stated, “Sometimes, I only half listen when people talk.”
-All awesomeness/hell breaks lose on the “internet” aka eatskeet.com, this week. After I say some scene kid’s blog sucks. It quickly goes from a “who’s who is the Hollywood club scene” to my “alleged sex-capades” and Gina’s ability to DJ being injected into her via Dan’s penis. It is a good read. We had to disable comments, due to the fact I was losing sleep because they were blowing up my blackberry. In case you missed it “the worst blog i have ever read.”
-We still need a headliner for our CMJ party Thursday October 16th. I decide to just ask everyone I know to do it and see what happens. I target Wes, early. He tells me he only wants to DJ things when there is something to promote. I go, “There is something to promote!” He looks at me waiting for more. I think for a second and remark, “We are promoting FUN!” He rolls his eyes.
-There is a girl here in Philly named Allegra. She is a teacher, but doesn’t seem to have a problem drinking 40s and talking shit. We are shaking our asses to some Spankrock at the Diplo show the other night. I lean over and tell her I want to ask her a question. She looks at me, waiting. I go, “Did it bum you out when that allergy medicine ruined your name?” She told me it “did.”
-After the “Diplo rave” Wednesday night, I end up somewhere in New Jersey at a lake with Wes and Sean Agnew. We go cliff jumping, swimming, and fall asleep on a raft. Wes says I almost die at one point, by falling off a cliff. Luckily the Vodka I consume prevents me from remembering that part. All is good and fun until we wake up on the raft in the middle of the lake, with no “land” in sight. I am freezing and may have the worst headache of my life. The boys start paddling so we can get to “shore.”
I start shaking my head, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
-For unknown some reason, we wake up in the car next to Wes’ apartment that morning. He has a doctor’s appointment. I go inside to sleep. He returns home. I try to wake up by continuing to lie there making business calls. I hear him on the phone as well, but am not really paying attention. He starts throwing t-shirts at me. He goes, “There are dudes coming over. You have to put something on. After they leave, you can go back to lying here, on the phone, in your underwear.”
-Some dude comes over to have some business meeting with Wes. Dude is hung-over and goes to the bathroom to puke for at least five minutes, during said meeting. I find the whole thing informal enough to decide me lying on the ground is appropriate. They discuss remixes, emails, and the like. I am not really paying attention until I am hit in the stomach with a pile of napkins and a pen. I quickly sit up. Wes goes, “Sarah, take notes.”
-My roommate from college gets married Saturday. My date “bails” last minute for some NYC Switch thing. I start to panic. Then I realize I can probably get Nicky to go with me. I call and tell him my date has a conflict and I NEED him to go with me. Like I assumed he would, he began a rant about how he doesn’t want to be my second choice/back-up plan for everything. I am rolling my eyes and half listening to him when he announces, “I may not be a DJ, but I own a gun.”
-Lauren and Jason’s wedding is at 4:30 in the Pocono’s. It is supposed to be a little less than two hours away. I leave Philly at 2:30pm. I hit traffic to the point where I am still in Philadelphia and it is 3:45pm. I text Lauren to tell her, but will safely assume that my traffic issues are the least concern of a bride on her wedding day. I drive at least 90 mph the entire way. I impressively pull into the parking lot a little past 5pm. I run from the car towards the banquet hall with only my keys and Blackberry, in hand. I stop as I see some formally dressed people heading my way. I ask them if it is ok to go in, due to the fact I just arrived. They shrugged and informed me the wedding was over. So I run and find myself the last person in line to greet the bride and groom. The couple in front of me enjoyed my arrival. The wife told me, “We missed a wedding once. We were driving from Ohio to DC and hit traffic. It was my college roommates wedding and I still can’t forgive myself.” I simply nod, point towards Lauren, and announce, “And, that’s my college roommate.”
-I spot Chris Ryan at the wedding, and get excited. Chris and I have known each other for a long time. We only run into one another every few years at weddings and chance meetings in random cities. I am glad to have him as my surrogate wedding date. Everyone is up and dancing to “Celebrate” and “Sweet Caroline.” The two of us are sitting at an empty table picking at cake and gossiping. I turn to him and go, “I have never understood why people choose to stand, when they could just sit?” Chris Ryan looks around, nods, and goes, “Look at all these chairs.”
-My friend Bettie works at the airport. We are sitting around one night talking about nothing important. She had learned that day that Jane magazine had been given the ax. She seems sort of unnerved that this information came to her 2 months later. I change the subject and begin talking about CMJ. I am talking about my plans to go out and flyer the few days before the party. I go, “I haven’t been in New York in a long time. Now that Misshapes is done, I don’t know where the kids go.” Bettie quickly shakes her head, waves her a hands a little, and goes, “Wait Jane magazine AND Misshapes are done? Where have I been?” I shrug, “The airport?”
Best Week Ever: September 21st
“This is like my version of that Tom Hanks’s movie Castaway. Me without my Blackberry is pretty much me, on an island, with a volleyball.”
-Melissa informs me she has a really good idea for a reality show. She details, “So you put the Hogans and Dog the Bounty Hunter’s family all in a big white trash house and see what happens.”
-I get a locksmith to come out and make a key for my car (due to it being lost amongst all the rest of my shit at my birthday party) The “locksmith” ends up being a 40 something Russian couple. He details his love of tantric sex in broken English to me as he removes pieces of my car door. He continues on about their open relationship and stripper pole in their living room. Together, they then encourage me to attend some swinger party they are having at their apartment on New Years Eve. I end up with their phone number, address, and me promising to come by on New years.
-I lock myself out of my apartment one afternoon. I initially leave to walk to the market on the corner, for a second. I do not take anything but what I presume are my keys. Once I arrive home, I realize I have Bettie’s keys and not mine. I do not have my Blackberry. The only three numbers I know by heart are Melissa’s, my parent’s, and Cinespace’s. I realize I am sort of screwed. My only option is just to sit on the steps hoping one of the girls from upstairs comes home eventually. They do not. Luckily I am on the east coast, where people sit unemployed on their stoops drinking 40s all day. I meet the neighbors. The 84 year old woman across the street had some good stories that the gentleman of the neighborhood seemed to have heard a hundred times before. The teenage boys wanted to know about LA. Their burning question was “Who is hotter in real life Lohan or Hilary Duff.” At some point, some gentleman I had yet to meet comes from around the corner and hands me a copy of Cosmo Girl. I look at him blankly and inquire where it came from. He shrugs, “I stole it out of the Beauty Shop’s mailbox for you.” I smiled, “I love Philly, already.”
-It gets dark and no one has returned to my building. Realizing I have Bettie’s keys, I decide to walk over to her house. She is hungover from the night previous and staring at the television blankly. I arrive all agitated, begging for tools to break into my apartment with. She tells me to just relax and watch TV or “eat something.” I try for a little while then announce, “This is like my version of that Tom Hanks’s movie Castaway. Me without my Blackberry is pretty much me, on an island, with a volleyball.”
-I am sort of half asleep at 1pm one afternoon when the doorbell rings. I quickly get up realiz